s^ ^. 



.<^'^ 



o. 



^/. 






A^' V 



3-^ 



'^. 






^ 0' 



'=^^. 









o 0' 






.0' 



'-^^> ,<\' 



^^^>. 



oX- 



■/' 



'^ , <^. 



A 









'^A V^ 




xOo.. 










■/* 



N c 



.# 



^5 -^^ 



^^ -n^. 









'-^^ *^ 8 1 \ 






.^^ 



:Sf-^ 









^''o. 






^-^^ V^ 



xO^^. 



-71 



ci-. 



"^y-- O^^ 

,\^^^-:< 









.0 



). 



r. 









O. 



/ V 









■ ^ 



:% 



-^<.. 



"</' 



n^. 






<o 



^^ 



v^^ '''^.. 



a5 n^. 



.,^' 



c^. 






cP \ 



y-<f' 






,v 



<^' -^ 



;' '^^^' "■>, 



1 e ^ 



"^A v' 



H ^. 



c^. 






o. "* 



V 





















■\c^ 



\ 



i', ^ 









^^A v^' 



.-i.-^ 



\' 



.01 



,0- 









'./•n.. 






v-^#' J^/ 



■^> 


















\ 












> 









'"^ 









.'^ <^ 



A\^' '^/>. 



.^-^ 



\ 






n^. 









<. '^^"^ 






^^^ ^ 
.^^.. 



^ "' 
'^^ 



^^r. ,^^' 



vX^^"^^. '^ 









^^:' 



,xV^ 



V 



















^•/, * 



\V 



^, «'• 



..S^ '-^ 



'i>'" '^ 






Dinnerology 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET 

From Crankery to Common Sense 



PAN 



CHICAGO, NEW YORK, and SAN FRANCISCO 
BELFQ RD, CLARK E & CO. 

London : H. J. Drake, Lovell's Court, Paternoster Row. 

The Household Library. N. Y. No. 31. Vol. 4. Nov. 19. 1888. Annual Subscription $30.00. Issued semi-weekly. 
The Housenoia Liorary, '^^^^^^^ ^{^ost Office New York as second class matter. 



Belford, Clarke &- Co/s New Books. 



A Drummer's Diary. By Charles S. Plummer. 12mo, cloth, 
gilt top, $1.00; paper cover, 50 cents. 

What Dreams May Come. By Mrs. Gertrude Atherton. 

12mo, cloth, $1.00 ; paper cover, 50 cents. 

"The interest of the story lies in its all-absorbing: plot, its strong dra- 
matic treatment, and the bold handling of one of the most difficult and 
least used subjects of literature." — Rochester Herald. 

"■ There is good work and strong work in the book, and it is quite enough 
to make one hope it is not the last the authoress will write. "--i\r. Y. 
Journalist. 

Bella-Demonia. By Selina Dolaro. Madame Dolaro's Posthu- 
mous Novel, 12mo, cloth, $1.00 ; paper cover, 50 cents. 

This work, founded on a drama by Madame Dolaro, shortly to be pro- 
duced, is an historical novel of pure incident. It is composed of a series of 
startling dramatic situations, founded on facts not hitherto published in 
connection witli the Ru so- Turkish War of 1877-8, of which it is an accurate 
history of absorbing interest, 

Mes Amours : Poems, Passionate and Playful. By Selesta 
Dolaro. 1 vol., small 4to, Illustrated, $1.25. 

" Some of them are from her own pen ; she is the inspiration of the others. 
A few of the latter are really quite clever verses, but not nearly as bright as 
her annotation of them all." — N. Y. Graphic. 

" There is many a laugh to be had from reading the book."— Tow?! Topics. 

" These verses are full of spirit and life, and the merry mood sings 
between the lines like the contented streamlet between wind-swept hill- 
sides." — Albany Journal. 

That Girl from Texas. By Jeanette H. Walworth. 12mo, 

cloth, $1.00 ; paper cover, 50 cents. 

" Is one of the nicest girls ever introduced to readers. Well told, and 
decidedly interesting," — New London Telegraph. 

A Splendid Egotist. By Jeannette H. Walworth (author of 
"That Girl from Texas"). 12mo, cloth, gilt top, $1.00; paper 
cover, 50 cents. 

a brilliant society novel by this gifted author, and one of the best she 
has written. 

History of New York. By Jeannette H. Walworth. In words 
of one syllable. Richly illustrated. Illuminated board cover, 
$1.00 ; cloth, $1.50. 

"This book is well calculated to give young children just about the 
histoiical knowledge in that direction which their minds are prepared to 
absorb and retain." — Oswego Palladium. 

His Wav and Her Will. By Fannie Aymar Mathews. 12mo, 

cloth, $1,00 ; paper cover, 50 cents. 

" Is a novel of more than usual merit. Its characters are strong in word 
and action, and although it is a love story, its sentiment is manly, and not 
mawkish."— iV. H. News. 

" The characters are drawn with a firm and free hand, and the story has 
that symmetry of construction which shows the practical workman. The 
literary style is finished and graceful."— J?a7tmore News. 

CHICAGO, NEW YOKE, and SAW FBAWCISCO. 



DINNEROLOGY. 



DINNEROLOGY 



Our Experiments in Diet 



FROM 



CRANKERY TO COMMON-SENSE 



A TALE FOR THE TIMES 



BY 







CHICAGO, NEW YORK, AND SAN FRANCISCO 

BELFORD, CLARKE & CO. 
Publishers 

London : J. H. Drane, Paternoster Row 




COPYRIGHT BY 

BELFORD, CLARKE & CO. 
1889 



DINNEROLOGY; 

OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 



CHAPTER 1. 

OUR START IN HOUSEKEEPING. 

Ten Years of Foolish Feeding. — Wastes and Waists. — Folly, 
Consequence, Penalty.^ — Origin of Our Society for the 
Abolition of Slavery to Dyspepsia. 

Our "tin" wedding, indeed ! A miserably mean 
libel on the ten years of golden bliss we had been cel- 
ebrating in a cosey little Thanksgiving (dinner) ser- 
vice in our own domestic ten^ple. In a playful sort 
of way I asked my venerated High Priestess whether 
she thought the " tin " was a sly hit at the striking 
union flinty-hearted sparks used to have with the 
gentle, but somewhat inflammable tinder — in the dark 
ages, of course. I only intended a feeble joke, and 
expected a smile, but it seemed to get lost on the waj", 
until it swam out of her blue eyes as she called me to 
order: "No, George, ours is a ^tin' wedding 
because of 

' The tin-tin-nabulation that so musically wells ' 
from the jo^^-bells of our loving hearts,! '' 



8 DtNNEnoLOGy ; 

I masked my discomfiture by giving her a ringing 
kiss. 

Martba and J have always got along splendidly. 
We began with a resolve never to drive tandem. She 
is anything but a blue-stocking, yet she is never so 
happy as when exchanging sensible talk with a 
sensible person. T consequently give her as much of 
my society as possible. We are not quite so young 
as we used to be, nor so frivolous, nor so imprudent, 
nor so slim; that is just where our worry came in. 
Our lot had, as I have remarked, been one round of 
happiness, but when ten yearly laps of prosperity have 
wound themselves round the averacre middle-ao-ed 
citizen, his happy lot is apt to extend his lot of bulk. 
For the last year or two my excellent tailor has flat- 
tered me with periodic felicitations on the steady 
expansion of the lower chest. He, innocently enough, 
puts it down to my proficiency in dumb-bell exercise. 
I had a guilty consciousness that he would have been 
nearer the mark if he had guessed "dumb-waiter 
drill." The plain truth was — I was growling visibly 
bulbous, with " the promise and potency " of full- 
blown obesity by my jubilee birthday, and my once 
sylph-like wife was already as deliciously plump as 
the chubbiest Eaffaelle cherub, had he been burdened 
or blessed with a body. 

We were having an enjoyable talk over things in 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET, 9 

general, family affairs anc wliat not, as befitted our an- 
niversary, when we struck this matter of bodily health. 

" Now, see here, Patty," said I, and my head gave 
itself a sideway nod that seemed to shake all the other 
bumps into my left-hand bump of wisdom, "there's a 
trouble that has been weighing heavily on my mind 
for a long time, and I propose we discuss it and do 
something about it right here and now '' 

" Whatever's that, George ? " 

"Well, it's just this: I guess we either eat too much, 
or the wrong sort of stuff; look at your dyspepsia! 
look at my size — and that of the kitchen and doctor's 
bills, my dear ! " 

^^ DonH ! they haunt me in my very dreams ! But 
I always thought you wished to be a man of weight, 
George ? " 

'^And idJw dissuaded me from running for the 
Senate by swearing she would waste awa}'' and die by 
inches in my absence, eh ? Pretty good chance of 
lingering a century or two if somebody^ s waist only 
wanes an inch in a year ! " 

"Now, George, its wicked of you to poke fun at 
the afiflicted when 3''ou ought to help cure them ; what's 
your idea on this dinner-table problem ? I^ve been 
thinking a good deal about it, too." 

" Well, mj' dear, has it ever struck you that ever 
since we started as copartners in this housekeeping 



10 DINNEROLOGY : 

business, we have been vastly more business-like in 
caring for the smartness of our chairs and tables than 
in securing good health to enjoy them ? " 

" Well, I was never taught to bother with any of 
those dreadful 'ologies that girls nowadays have to 
dabble in, and I don't see that their complexions are 
much improved nor their common sense much in- 
creased with all their learning. We were trained to 
leave all those things to the doctors, poor dears, they 
must live, you know — but lately I've come to think 
we have done our full share towards their mainte- 
nance." 

" Full share ! Why, bless your heart, Patty, do you 
really know how much we have paid for physic in 
all its disguises these ten years ? Not less than 
$5000, I reckon, omitting the bills for medical at- 
tendance !" 

Taking advantage of the momentary dumbness that 
was caused by my hap-hazard revelation, I went on 
to deliver my teeming mind of the reflections which I 
here briefly summarize. Please picture my angelic wife 
transfixed with alternations of astonishment and ad- 
miration at my hitherto unsuspected bump of philos- 
ophy. 

For ten long years we have been sailing with the 
social stream, eating, drinking, ailing, wailing, and 
doctoring in the good t»ld conventional way. We 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 



11 



have been mighty particular in adapting our dress, 
our daily routine, our places of abode to the times 
and seasons, but we keep to the jog-trot diet all the 
time. The coats on our backs give us more concern 
than the coats of our stomachs, and good living, to 
keep pace with our neighbors, outweighs the import- 
ance of enjoying a good liver all to ourselves. By and 
bye there comes a day of reckoning uj) correctly these 
forgotten miscalculations. This is how the ghosts of 
my own arithmetical blunders appeared to me on 
mare-back one memorable night. 



Folly. 



Breakfast : 

Hot bread, baked pork 
tenderloin, mush and 
milk, fruit, potatoes, but- 
ter, pickles, tea, ice water. 

Luncheon : 

Soup and lobster salad, 
mutton rare, apple pie, 
tea, coffee, beer or ice 
water. 

Dinner : 

Oysters, soup and sber- 
ry, fish and hock, meat 
and curry, game and 
claret, sweets and cham- 
pagne, ices and cham- 
pagne, cheese and beer, 
nuts and old port, coffee 
and brandy. 

Nightcap : 

Wliisky and crackers, 
soda and brandy. 



Consequence. 



T h i c k-headed- 
ness, disinclination 
for brain-work. 



Uneasiness in the 
equatorial region. 



Ligh t-headed- 
ness on a leaden 
stomach, temper- 
ed by twinges and 
tantalizing fore- 
bodings. 



Thou g h ts too 
deep for words. 



Penalty, 



Cocktail and 
reaction. 



Whisky 
st r a i g h t and 
headache. 



Morning blues 
after vigorous 
nightmare ex- 
ercise. Pills, 
po t i o n s, and 
pick-me-ups. 



Dyspepsianity. 



12 



DINNEROLOGY : 



And I saw this other grim squad hovering over the 
heads of Patty and the children. 



Folly. 


Consequence. 


Penalty . 


Breakfast : 






Porridge aiul milk; sar- 


"Sort of a sicky 


More ice water. 


dines, liot buttered cake 


sinking sensation." 


sal V o la ti le, 


and tea, candied fruits, 




candies, or soda 


ice water. 




water, and float- 
ing aches. 


Lunch : 






Cake, chocolate, pie, 


Slight suspicion 


Soda water or 


ice water. 


of indigestion. 


o t li e r d r u g - 
drinks, and fit 


Dinner : 




of the blues. 


Can't eat; nibble a bit of 


Temper somehow 


A champagne 


pie, just one macaroon, 


gets three-corner- 


or Maraschino 


a nut or two, a candied 


ed, everybody is so 


af t e r - d i n n e r 


plum, a sip of peptonized 


disagreeable. 


tonic, with the 


port, a couple of pearly 




very latest var- 


dinner pills as a final 




iety of Society 


relish. 




headache to 
follow. 


Finale : 






Libation of Vichy- 


An uncertain re- 


Until next 


washy water to appease 


spite. 


day. 


the Demon Dyspepsia. 







Well, I set to work to tot up the whole sum. I 
found that our butcher-bills seemed to grow bigger 
the less we were able to eat, because we got too dainty 
to enjoy a hearty meal off a plain leg or loin, and yet 
they were needed to yield our dainties and feed the 
household. And my wife's library of fancy cook- 
books threatened to swamp everj^ spare shelf in the 
house. They were quite an item in the year's expen- 



OUR EXPEillMENTS IN DIET. 13 

diture, to say nothing of the brilliant failures they 
created in the kitchen. I went on an exploration 
tour through the house one day when I happened to 
be alone and the regiments of " tonic " bottles, the 
battalions of quack medicine cartoons, and the masked 
batteries of pill-boxes that met my gaze utterly ap- 
palled me. Talk of doctors' bills ! Why, here were 
proofs palpable that for every dollar 1 had ever paid 
to our worthy Dr. Drencham, at least three had been 
paid for drug-drinks and kindred bastard physics. 
And the organic remains of defunct lizz-syphons, 
spent candy caskets and dislocated nutcrackers that 
lay strewn around bafSed my comprehension. There 
was a dose remaining in one of the anti-blue-devil 
bottles, wliich I thought came in rather handy just 
then, so I drank to my own good health, wishing it 
might soon rival that of a lusty-lunged ballad singer 
who was introducing the fresh air of "Sweet Violets" 
to our neighborhood for the first time that Spring. I 
envied the free and easy play of his wind apparatus 
as I reflected that the natural music of my pipe organ 
was one rasping howl for "Hop Bitters" or other such 
herbal abominations. As I came panting down the 
stairs the rascal knocked at the door and asked for 
his reward. " See here," I said, " you're a lazy 
hound, I can see, but I'll give j^ou a quarter if you'll 
tell me how you manage to keep those leather lungs 



1-i DINNEROLOGY : 

of yours in such good working order on what 3'^ou 
pick up, which can't be much ? " 

" Oh, shure an^ it's that I will, sorr. I lives, so I 
does, jist like the blessid bastes uv the field, God's 
good craythurs jist like you an' me, sorr ; I ates whin 
I'm hungry an' dhrinks whin I'm dhr}'^, an' laves off 
whin I've had enough, an' as for the fools that makes 
bastes o' thersels, as the sayin' is, by layin' in more 
tlian's good for them, divil fly away wid them for 
shlanderin' their betters by the kimparison !" 

He got his quarter for the oration and another for 
making quick tracks into the next parish. 

He preached a smarter sermon than I had heard in 
a long while. I preached a few more thirdlys, finallys 
and lastlys to myself. How is it, I eloquently pro- 
ceeded, that these poor, who are alwaj^s with us, are 
so much richer in rude health, and perhaps in com- 
mon sense, than we are ? How is it that the so- 
called pauper laborers on European farm lands, the 
Scotch cottier, the English Hodge, the Irish bog- 
trotter, the French vine-tender, the Spanish ox- 
driver, the German wood-chopper, the Eussian sickle- 
wielder, the Turkish porter, all sustain their health, 
strength and toughness on a diet as costless as it is 
plain ? How is it that the native laborer in India 
gets through more hard work than the well-fed Eng- 
lishman, though his only food is three cents worth of 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 15 

rice a day ? And that handful of Vegetarian cranks 
I met in London hist summer, I guess they had the 
hxugli on me when my masterly exposure of their 
queer fallacies was cut short by about the worst at- 
tack of indigestion I ever had. These things are 
mysteries to most of us. But then, most of us are 
out and out fools when it comes to a pitched battle 
between our health and our appetites. We don't know 
how to referee the business. At school I learned 
pretty nearly every useless thing in the books, only to 
find out on leaving that I knew nothing about " the 
one thing needful " to a live man, namely, how to live. 
From to-day I am going to "read, mark, and learn" 
how to "inwardly digest " the terrors of the table 
which harm or help the liver. This is the era of in- 
vestigation, I will prove the pros and C07is of this 
question with what remnant of common sense dyspep- 
sia has left me. To know how to live rightly is the 
soundest preparation for learning how to die rightl}^, 
and in resolving to study the welfare of my body I 
am fortified by the text our good rector preached 
from last Sunday : " First cometh that which is nat- 
ural, and afterwards that which is spiritual.'' 



16 DLNNEROLOGY : 



CHAPTER II. 

GOING BACK TO A B C. 

Our Co-operative Lecture Scheme. — What P'ood Is, and 
What Food Does. — Dinner-table Keforni, not Revo- 
lution. — Science. — Facts in Plain English. — What You 
Actually Buy When You Go to Market. — How to Make 
Allowances. 

We discussed our new hobby every meal-time, and 
a lively toj^ic we found it. Hardly a day came without 
bringing its bunch of new facts, and each dish on the 
table nourished our minds, if not our bodies, by serving 
as a corpus vili for experimental demonstrations and 
most learned moralizing-s. But it was all desultory, 
disjointed, unpractical. Patty had lately taken it into 
her head to attend a course of college forenoon leC' 
tures on — was it Lunar Psychology ? or something 
high in that line — and though she evidently didn't 
find it worth crowing about, she had too much spirit 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 17 

to admit that the course tickets were a bad bargain. 
So she 'cutely remarked, during dessert : " I've learnt 
one thing, George, at the lectures, that is well worth 
all the fee, if there were nothing else, and that is 
the great improvement to one's mind in having to sit 
still " 

"And silent? " 

"Yes, anc? silent (nasty thing !), while a man fills 
a whole hour with dry talk which you have to pencil 
down into the most interesting brevities you can in- 
vent." 

"Not invent, my dear, surely!'' 

"Yes, invent^ remember — any man, almost, is 
capable of spinning loose yarn by the hour, but it re- 
quires a woman to weave it into a usable fabric ; — have 
another candied ginger ? " 

" Thanks, I'll take another chocolate ice and a few 
almonds. Well, go on ! — " 

" Well, I was thinking how nice it would be if you 
would just turn Professor, you know, dear (only pre- 
tending, of course), and while you lecture, as it were, 
I can take down all bits oifact, and sense, you know, 
that—" 

" Oh, yes, I see ; I'll unload my coal-cart and you'll 
produce the diamonds !" 

" iVb y you'll furnish me with the diamonds, dear, 
and I'll sift your coal into best cobbles and rubbish. 



18 DINNEROLOGY : 

But there — don't cry — and the dear ill-used darling 
shall have an extra treat to-morrow — I'll make you 
a delicious ^wr^ey-rhubarb pie — I'm sure you'll need 
it badly after those ices ! " 

" But how is a sinner going to reform if he doesn't 
enjoy a lively realizing sense of the bitter conse- 
quences of his sin ? You ought to rejoice at such a 
sign of grace and back it up — hand me that slice of 
melon, dear !" 

"Now, seriously, George, hadn't we better go about 
our reform, as you call it, systematically ? You have 
been reading up the food question here, there and every, 
where, you are well stocked with all the latest scien- 
tific facts and doctrines, it would be so nice, and quite 
literary, you know, for you to just talk them in your 
own way to me and then you can arrange my notes in 
their proper order afterwards, you see, and who knows 
but what you may blossom into a real live author yet, 
— think of that, George ! " 

I don't mind confessing, in a confidential way, 
mind you, that Patty touched a tender chord right 
there. Not that I am conscious of the least lust after 
the fame-dregs drained out over the vagrant tribe of 
bookikins that are not akin to Books, and yet I have 
always fancied that the latent genius of my country 
has never yet been fully put forth, at least in its liter- 
ature. This is a patriotic, not at all a personal, re- 



OUfl EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 19 

mark. However, aside from this, there was excellent 
common sense in Patty's suggestion, and we agreed 
to adopt it. 

I shall now reproduce, substantially, the notes she 
made of my remarks, great though the labor it in- 
volves ; for she used the shiniest paper and the hardest 
pencil procurable, and her " free and independent " 
contempt for punctuation is glorious, if a trifle puz- 
zling. The inevitable improved spellings I have 
restored to conventionality (Mem : Did you ever know 
of a lady's letter without at least one orthographic 
originality ?). I will just remark that the following 
is a fair epitome of what I said, or intended to say, 
when I addressed my vast imaginary audience, of 
whom only one was actually visible. 

Ladies and Gentlemen : When a person stands up 
to address an audience so eminently intelligent and 
critical as the one before me, it behooves him to make 
clear what he is going to talk about, why he is going 
to talk about it, and what right he has to talk about 
it. Now, ray subject is, " What Food Is, and What 
Food Does.'' And I'll tell you why I have chosen it. 
Because experience has convinced me that people in 
general, including my enlightened audience and my- 
self, enjoy a sounder ignorance upon the common-sense 
of eating and drinking than upon any other prevalent 
fashion of the day. And, again, because Food and 



20 DINNEROLOGY : 

Feeding are absolutely the most important considera- 
tions that affect our bodily, and therefore our mental, 
welfare. As for my fitness to talk about this matter, 
I will content myself with the statement that I have 
had a wide and deep practical experience of stupid 
and sensible feeding, its system of rewards and pen- 
alties, its expenses and its economies, and its litera- 
ture of the last quarter century has added to the 
information gained from specialists, both scientists 
and cranks, and from the data set forth in the Gov- 
ernment Food Museums in Washington and London. 
W^hat is Food? Just that proportion of what we 
swallow which is thoroughly digested j not a bit 
more. What is Feeding f A fascinating popular 
pastime ? Yes, and it is also, or should be, the art 
and science of selecting the digestibles which best 
replace the waste in our individual body, while giving 
us pleasure after, rather than during, eating. 

What coals are to a steam engine, so food is to a 
man. So much of each is required for each day's 
work, so much is consumed, i. e. transformed into 
force, and so much goes off as waste. The engine has 
its "horse-power" limit. We each have our man- 
power limit. Cram an extra sack of coals into the 
already sufficiently filled engine fireplace, and it 
either explodes or chokes. Stuff more food into the 
stomach than it needs, be the excess little or much, 



OUR EXI»ERIMEKTS IK DIET. %1 

and you surely spoil the smooth working of the sys- 
tem. So much for quantity. But there are good 
coals and bad, coals that waste their heat in splutter- 
ing sparks and useless smoke, and coals that give out 
a bright glow from first to last. So with food. We 
have the choice between foods that really feed, that 
build us up honestly just where we need repairing, 
and foods that are like a coating of stucco on a plain 
brick house, the wrong thing in the wrong place, 
giving a wrong impression to the fool who thinks all's 
right. The practical question for each of us is to find 
out what toodsj'eed / which have the most value, and 
which the most waste. 

Here we may do one of two things, we may either 
trust to the kitchen customs of the day, as the out- 
come of the rough and ready experience of our 
ancestors, or we may reason that scientific investiga- 
tion (a long-winded word for fact-getting) may have 
something eye-opening and valuable in this as well as 
in other directions, which may revolutionize our sys- 
tem of feeding as it has done our system of lighting 
and distance-talking. I propose to adopt both courses. 
I don't want to disturb the conventional system more 
than I can help, for "with all thy faults, I love thee 
still." I only insist on the wisdom of using the 
lamp of knowledge to throw its penetrating light upon 
the dishes on our table. It brings out their little 



22 DINKEROLOGY: 

secrets, their good or bad designs upon us, their 
powers of revenge, their ability to console and succor 
and bless. Let me know my friends from my ene- 
mies, say I. 

Now we have got to learn our A B C of foods and 
their properties. Everything we eat and drink has a 
certain amount of waste in it, often a mischievous 
amount. In the solids there is more liquid than we 
fancy, so much flesh-forming material, so much force- 
furnishing material, and a residue of solid waste. 
Get to know just what proportions of these materials 
there are in your bread, mush, steak, fish, and pie 
crust and then you are for the first time in your life 
qualified to out-wit the doctor in his own domain by 
Preventing nine-tenths of the ailments which nine- 
tenths of the medicos never cure. 

You are afraid it means a return to the drudgery of 
our schooldays ? Well, it does not. If it did, wise 
folk would be wise to get the A B C at any rate. As 
the old proverb has it, "a little Jcnoioledge is a mighty 
convenient thing." I never was remarkabl}^ accurate 
in my quotations, but I'm always right in their drift. 
We cannot all be learned Professors (thank the Lord), 
but we can be humble Practisers of the sensible things 
we are permitted to learn and think out for ourselves. 
May my sins be forgiven me, but I sometimes think 
the best-intentioned learned Professors scare us away 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN" DIET. 23 

from their fountains by their dryness and the learned 
confusion of tongues in which they invite us to drink. 
At a certain college a very accomplished scientist 
discoursed upon ^' the Physiological and Fecundary 
Economy of Food/' and the papers reported him as 
prescribing for the laboring man a daily diet of "one- 
fourth pound of proteine, one-fourth pound fat, and a 
pound of carbo-hydrates," to keep him well and strong. 
This was excellent advice, but it is like putting a hungry 
man's dinner on a shelf just out of his reach. He 
might be too far gone to climb the ladder by the time 
he had found one. There have been various essays in 
popular serials from time to time in which facts, 
figures, and diagrams have crowded upon each other's 
heels to the bewilderment of the general reader. The 
intention has been admirable, the erudition and pains- 
taking beyond all praise, so that we common folk find 
it so good that we put it carefully aside for " some 
other day," when we have nothing to hinder our 
giving its intricacies a real good study. 

Now, I don't proj)ose to use scientific terms when 
ordinary words will do as well, nor to rack anyone's 
brain with figure or diagram puzzles. All the same, 
though, I shall sing their song, but to my own tune. 
My facts will be their facts, only I may make them 
march in my own " awkward squad" formation. And 
in deference to the gifted audience I have the honor 



24 BINNEEOLOGY : 

to see before me I shall flourish my modest math- 
ematical gift as sparingly as possible, well knowing 
this assembly's constitutional hatred of percentages 
and decimals. 

If the laboring man aforenamed, or if you and I, 
had been told in plain language that three-fourths of 
our weight is water, and that to make up for the day's 
waste we have to take food, three-quarters of which 
must be water, and the remainder flesh-forming, heat- 
giving and bone-making substances, we should have 
been more likely to work the subject up long ago. 

We could then have procured one of the tables of 
food constituents and values such as have hung these 
thirty 3'ears in the London Food Museum, and are 
printed in the cheap catalogue, as also now in Wash- 
ington. Or we could get the substance of these 
tables in a hundred cheap books, pamphlets or free 
leaflets. Or we might easily compile a good enough 
table or chart for ourselves. The foods classify their 
properties as follows : 

1. — Flesh and muscle-formers, (nitrogenous). 

2. — Heat or force-givers, (carbo-hydrates). 

3. — Ashes. 

4.— Water. 

Now we want to know how much of each of these 
qualities there is in what we are going to eat. Then 



OUR EXPERIMEKTS IN DIET. 25 

we shall know what the dish is worth to us, and 
whether it is cheap or dear at the price. 

I am pretty safe in assuming that my gentle 
audience is more familiar with dollars than with 
decimal fractions. I will therefore ask j^ou to suppose, 
for our present purpose, that you are going to buy a 
dollar's worth of each of the following articles. Then 
you will see what ybo(^ you get for your money. But 
as you note the proportions (which are given in suffi- 
ciently accurate round numbers) you will allow for 
the difference in cost and nutritive value of the 
articles which contain water when you buy them, and 
the others which 3'ou buy dry and add the water in 
cooking. For instance, a pound of dried peas, costing 
say three cents, yields more nutriment thanapoundof 
steak, costing say 18 cents, as the peas contain only 
two ounces of water, while the steak holds more than 
10. But you never eat the same weight of dried 
peas as you do of wet steak, and the water they absorb 
in the boiling brings them nearer to the level of the 
steak as food, as to which we shall get more practical 
information in a later talk. 

Now please fill your pocket-book with crisp one 
dollar notes and come with me to market. 

It will simplify the thing, in view of the above hint 
about the differences, if we keep the wet and the dry 
foods separate. 



26 



DINNEROLOGY : 



FLESH AjS'D fish (wET), 





t« . 




M 






*^ Vi 


-*j . 


q; 


c3 . 










^ : 


WHEN YOU SPEND 


M O 


o . 


o 


o • 


A DOLLAR ON 




1/3 • 


















o o 


G fciD 


j^ 


C +^ 






-Jl 


<1 


<*1 


Fat Meats 


15c. 

20 
25 
15 


30c. 

■5 
10 

o- 
O 


5c. 

5 

5 

2 


50c. 


Lean Meats 


70 


Salmon 


GO 


Cod 


80 


Oysters 


5 


5 


5 


85 


Eels 


10 
15 


20 
2 


5 
3 


65 


Chicken 


80 


Sardines — canned 


25 


15 


5 


55 



FARM PRODUCE. 



Cheese — best. 

Butter... 

Milk 



Eggs, 



Apples . . 
Potatoes . 
Turnips. 




4c. 

4 
3 
2 
1 



30c. 

10 

85 

78 
83 
75 
90 



OKR EXPERIMENTS IN" DIET. 



27 



DRY FOOD-STUFFS. 



Whole wheat — flonr 

Wheat — bread 

Rye flour ... 

Lentils 

Peas 

Beans 

Oatmeal 

Rice 



PIH 



lOc. 

8 

5 
29 
23 
25 
12 

6 



> 

*5b 



75c. 

55 

80 

52 

63 

54 

75 

80 



•v 

.^ 



2c. 

2 
2 



13c. 

35 

13 

16 

11 

18 

10 

13 



So much for the statistical business. Just enough 
to be an easy guide to the selection of the especial 
nourishment we need, as from these examples a fairly 
good guess can be hazarded at the value of most ordi- 
nary articles. A moderate exercise of common sense 
will enable us to arrange a course of dishes propor- 
tioned to each other and to our bodily requirements. 

One important point invites consideration. Bear- 
ing in mind that the Heat-givers are fully as neces- 



28 OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 

sary as, and sometimes more valuable to our system 
than, the Flesh-formers, we may be surprised to see 
how high the figures run in the second column of the 
last two tables. Look into it a moment and you 
will learn that you get very much more Heat and 
Force-giving material for your dollar when you buy 
the non-flesh foods than when you buy the flesh 
foods. The first two columns in each table show the 
proportion of nutriment over waste. Add the totals 
of the first four articles in the Flesh table and it 
comes to $1.23 worth of Food in your $4.00 outlay. 
Do the same with the first four articles in the Farm- 
stuffs and you see your $4.00 there have yielded 
11.74 worth of Food; and your 14.00 expended in 
the first four articles of the Dry-stuffs (omitting the 
bread), have brought you 13.37 worth of nutriment. 
And we must not forget that cooking meat multiplies 
its cost nearly three-fold. 

We must remember, however, that mere statistics 
are very dry bones indeed, bad to digest and not 
always nutritious when digested, unless simmered 
down into a gelatinous gravy with a good ^^ stock " of 
common sense. Chemical analysis is infallible in its 
wa}^, no doubt, and when it shows us that our oyster 
is little more than mere water, and our milk cheats us 
out of ninety cents in the dollar, we are bound to be- 
lieve it. And yet we know very well that (honest) 



DINNEROLOGY : 29 

milk makes us plump and we are exhilarated by the 
innocent bivalve. If we can't get precisely these 
qualities in the water from our back-yard pump, well, 
we'll pay the clever chemist his analysis fee all right, 
but we have a sneaking sort of notion that the 
other waters are cheaper at the price, after all. 
There are still some estimable souls who solemnly be- 
lieve that each little pot of condensed beef-extract 
they buy for forty cents contains a whole ox, boiled 
down. Of course, the lamented Liebig is not respon- 
sible for this big lie. One of the prettiest ways for a 
gourmand to hasten his end by starvation would be to 
limit his diet to beef-extract. On that and sawdust 
he could live for months, but deprive him of the saw- 
dust and he would not last as many weeks, if days. 
We must have bulk with our chemical proteine, 
carbo-hydrates, etc., and though much of the fibrous 
matter we eat ranks chemically as waste, it has served 
its useful purpose, as the coals fill the grate and sup- 
ply the body for the soul of consuming heat. The 
water that oozes from an oj^steris as full of phosphorus 
as its body is, and we lose its best quality the longer the 
interval between the opening of the shell and our eating 
of the oyster. This phosphorus has been recommended 
as " brain-food," and now some of our scientists are 
pooh-poohing the idea as a fallacy. Again let me 
urge the wisdom of applying the test of experience to 



30 OUR EXPEEIMEXTS IN DIET. 

» 

the statistics of the hiboratory. When we come to 
deal with another branch of our subject I will give 
my own testimony for what it is worth ; remarking 
for the present that whether in daring to do good in 
its artless way fish-phosphorus transgresses the rules 
of professional etiquette or not, it assuredly doctors 
the nervous system and tones the brain better than all 
the medicaments of the laboratory clubbed together. 

To sum up ; we have arrived at the clear under- 
standing that each thing we eat performs several 
offices for our benefit, and that it is wise for us to 
know what each food is capable of doing for us. We 
have seen that this can be learnt by a little easy study 
of the component parts of our staple foods, not worry- 
ing ourselves over unnecessary minutise. We also 
appreciate the verdict of practical experience as mod- 
ifying some of the cast-iron decrees of scientific stat- 
istics. Here, then, is where our individual responsi- 
bility comes in, and I promise you will find it no less 
a pleasure than a profit when you begin to work out 
the golden mean between scientific and practical 
dieting. 

What my patient audience and myself are now 
going to do is to blend the knowledge we possess, 
(such as it is, seeing we are only beginners) of the 
scientific properties and uses of foods with our more 
advanced knowledge of kitchen cooker^'. Fur m^'^self, 



DINNEROLOGY : 31 

I have been so struck with the conviction that most 
of us eat much too much meat, game, and flesh food in 
general, I am disposed to experiment in a long lenten 
abstinence from them, though I scarcely expect to 
carry my naturally conservative audience with me. 
If I so decide, it will be in sheer philanthropy, though 
I doubt whether the terrible deprivation will be com- 
pensated for by the delight of having sacrificed my 
table-pleasures to give the public the benefit of my 
martyrdom. The fox that lost his tail made very few 
converts. I shall plunge into the dread unknown in 
the coldest possible scientific spirit. Probably one- 
half of mankind live and flourish without tasting 
roast, boiled, stewed, baked, fried, hashed, devilled or 
flesh food in any form, which consoles me in advance 
against the dread of starvation. In assuming the 
position of an experimenter, pro bono puUico, I am 
simply beginning at the beginning, like Adam, who 
was happy and prosperous as a virtuous vegetarian 
until his strong-minded wife led him to misery and a 
meat diet, some of the curses of which hang over hus- 
bands unto this day. 

[Mem. : This is as far as the edifying portion of the 
lecture notes extends, what follows being the reporter's 
sharp digression into a purely domestic side issue, 
quite UQScientificand, strictly speaking, impertinent.] 



32 OUR EXPERIMENTS UST DIET. 



CHAPTEE III. 

OUR VEGETARIAN EXPERIMENT. 

How we Kept a Literal Lent. — Our Table-Turning Device. — 
The Ills that Flesh is Heir to.— Our Vegetables, Fishes, 
Pigeon-pies, Beefsteak-Puddings and Poultry. — What a 
" Banquet " is. — The Elevating Tendency of Vegetarianity. 
— Our Failure and its Lessons. 

Patty and I agreed very nicely about the desirable- 
ness of reforming our diet, up to the point of how to 
begin, and on that we agreed to differ. She, as I 
have implied, was conservative, like all the sensible 
of her sex, while I was radical, like many of the 
foolishest of mine. I wanted to revolutionize the 
dinner table, she to improve it, dish by dish from day 
to day. 

" My dear George, j'^ou'd go from bad to worse if 
your passion for novelty had its fling ! Isn't it more 
sensible to weed out the harmful things one at a time 
till we are sure we can replace them with something 
better ? '' 

" Your argument would be a good one for you to 
use next time they tempt you to purchase a flimsy 



DINNEROLOGY : 



33 



new outfit before your sensible suit is half worn ; but 
there's no rule without an exception." 

'' Yes, there is ; the cleverest husband must be in 
the same room with his wife before he can give 
her the morning kiss he owes her." 1 took the hint, 
and changed the subject. 

"By the way, this is Ash Wednesday, isn't it ? " 

" Why, of course it is, don't you see it's soup 
maigre and fish ? " 

" I felt there was something new, it's generally 
Hash Wednesday with us " 

" George ! consider the children — suppose they 
grow up to be punsters — humorists ! " 

" Heaven forbid ! I withdraw the slip. But, 
Patty dear, as this is the first of Lent, what do you 
say to keep it up, strictly, mind you, right through 
the forty days ? " 

" What, no meat, no pork, no " 

" No nothing beefy or vealy or piggy or goosey 
or " 

" Nor turkey ? " 

" No, nor brawny nor gravy ! " 

" What, forty days without 



" The children of Israel were forty years without 
tasting the flesh-pots they used to like, and when 
they grumbled, they were glad to put up with manna, 
my dear." 



34 DINNEROLOGY : 

" Yes, to eat with their quails — mayn't vje have 
quails, George ? " 

"Not unless we quail before our task, which won't 
be for the next six weeks, will it, Patty ? " 

"No, George, it shall not. There now, we'll brave 
every danger with the heroism of a lioness when the 
cruel hunter fires " 

" Or when the mean lion grabs her favorite quarry j 
that's a neater simile." 

" You always spoil my little soarings. But have 
you really mastered the subject fully enough to ven- 
ture on so serious a change ? I had no idea you 
had got so far " 

"Certainly. I have been reading more deeply than 
you have fancied. I have been studying the early 
authorities in the original tongues. Porphyry of 
Tyre, who lived in the third century, strongly 
denounces the eating of meats. The ancient Greeks, 
he tells us, lived entirely on fruits, vegetables and 
grain, so did the Syrians, and by the laws of Tripto- 
lemus, the Athenians had to abstain from eating any 
creature of flesh and blood." 

" Well, I suppose we Americans know a thing or two 
more than the gentlemen who died thirteen hundred 
years before the first cook-book was printed ? " 

" My dear, they knew all that was worth knowing 
of baking and roasting and drinking and indigestion 



OUll EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 35 

and gout and big heads long before Doctor Moses 
invented Lent as a preventive of dyspepsia, a cure tliat 
has never been improved on since ! " 

"JSTo doubt of it, George, but however well their 
messes of pot-herbs and porridge may have suited the 
antediluvians I'm afraid youHl soon begin to look 
lean and lanky, and the neighbors will hint that you 
are mean and cranky." 

" Let 'em ! I'll write some tracts to educate them 
enough to know that there are miners toiling below 
ground, trappers in Arctic regions, dock and farm 
laborers, brain workers and sedentary toilers who 
to-day enjoy perfect health and abundant strength 
though they have never tasted flesh for as long as 
forty years, some of them ! " 

" That's a good deal more to the point than ^ the 
laws of tomfoolery,' only I feel afraid you would lose 
your good looks, if even you kept your health, and I 
shouldn't like to see you going off——" 

" My dear old Beef-eater ! see here, has any two- 
legged animal more physical beauty than a racehorse, 
more strength than an elephant, or more endurance 
than a camel? And aren't they strict vege- 
tarians ? They have just the same flesh and 
blood and the same internal machinery that we have, 
but we eat beef and enjoy dyspepsia, while they 
avoid it and flourish." 



36 DINNEROLOGY : 

•' I hadn't thought of that— " 

" Nor this either, perhaps ; that we cannot eat the 
flesh of flesh-eating animals, because it is carrion ; we 
eat vegetarian animals, and so we only get a vegetarian 
diet second-hand, after all ! " 

" That's so, come to think of it, and yet it strikes 
me there's a good deal to the credit of the accommo- 
dating four-legged machine that takes in grass and 
turns out beef — " 

" 'All flesh is grass,' don't you know ? " 

'^ Yes, and all men are animals, but they are not 
all jackasses, dear ! When grass becomes gravy, the 
veriest greenhorn must see that it is just as sapient to 
say 'all grass is flesh.' " 

"Well, now, we're going to keep strict Lent, are 
we ? " 

" Certainly. I'll give in to your theory — but how 
about the practice ? " 

" Oh, that's easy enough — " 

'' What, for the children, too ? " 

" Of course. Haven't you noticed all along that 
every baby is a born vegetarian, and it takes years 
to get them to like meats, if ever they do, and then 
only when capable of sin — " 

But how about their soups and gravies ? They 
like them, anyway.'' 



OUB EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 37 

" Well, T propose we begin our dinners tail-end 
first, and see how that works." 

And that is just what we did. This is how it 
answered, and the same with every meat meal. By 
way of tickling the juveniles into the new anti-meat 
system we induced them to put on their very best be- 
havior by the promise of fruits and sweets at 
the beginning as well as at the end of their 
dinner. Didn't they think it a glorious treat ! 
We said we would do the same, just for the fun of the 
thing, and so we all began with the oranges, raisins, 
and almonds, figs and plums, and whatnot. Then we 
tackled the pies and puddings, custards, blancmanges, 
and jellies, liy and bye we all began' to think how 
nice it would be to change to something savory, and 
we welcomed the asparagus on toast, and the omelet 
with gravy. It was very puzzling to find that we 
really had no appetite left when we got to the plain 
potatoes and greasy meats. Next day we quietly 
hinted to our cook that she need not trouble about 
doing any meats, or fish, or poultry for the next few 
days. 

We never missed them ! at first. An extra pudding 
and a few more fruit sundries did the business per- 
fectl}'-. Even the cheeses and crackers had no extra 
run upon them. Our souls and stomachs were all 
serene. 



38 DINKEROLOGY : 

" George dear, it's just four weeks to-day since we 
tasted the meat which my soul loveth — don't be 
alarmed, I'm not hankering after the flesh-pots of 
Egypt. But their departed odors — were — awfully — 
delicious weren't they ? " 

" I admit it, dear monitress, — dee — licious ! What a 
bad time those antique anchorites must have had — 
eh ? Barring themselves out/breyer from " 

^•George ! You're never weakening — surely ? " 

"By the memories of Delmonico's, never ! at least, 
not just yet, anyhow. It suits us all right, doesn't 
it, Patty ? " 

'' Splendidly ! " 

" Perfectl}^ gorgeous ! " 

"Don't say gorge-ns ; I'm sure we don't ! " 

" I didn't mean anything. Tolerably up to weight, 
though, I guess, ain't we ? '' 

"' Certainly Tm no slimmer as yet, nor you either. 
But I was going to suggest that we had better draw 
up a sort of bill of fare, what we may eat, and what 
we maynH, you know, dear, a sort of a vegetarian 
decalogue, which we can stick up on the wall." 

" Good, and I'll add the chemical values of what is 
in every dish, so that we can convince our guests 
that they are feasting on the fat of the land un- 
awares." 

" Oh doy it will be fun ! And now I want to know 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 39 

whether we mayn't introduce fish, Just a little — harm- 
less salmon or cod or bass or trout — or " 

" My dear child, salmon and cod are a variety of 
vegetable that don't grow in the vegetarian's garden." 

" But if we are vegetarians we are not vegetable- 
arians, are we ? It seems to me that an eel is as 
much of a vegetable as an egg, and we are allowed 
eggs ! " 

" And a sausage is as fragrant a fruit as an ome- 
let, isn't it ? " 

" Ah, but sausages are made of real meat.'' 

" If I could be sure of that I believe I'd be tempted 
— but no ; see here, dear, I'll make that Index Ex- 
inirgatoriits for you, drawing the line at fish, fowl, 
and flesh, because life has to be sacrificed before they 
become food. As to sausageS; I will reserve the point 
for more mature consideration ; if I am convinced 
(and it is not an impossibility) that their mysterious 
elements never drew the breath of life, I will squeeze 
them in. Wines, beers and honest liquors are admitted 
because thej^ embody the very spirit of vegetarianity, 
especially potato spirit, cider, and Jersey apple 
jack." 

I soon had the chart drawn up and hung right in 
view of the diners at our table. This, in brief, is 
what it contained, made plain to all by the beautiful 
arrangement of figures and diagrams. 



40 DINNEROLOGY : 

Man ts a frugivorous, not a carnivorous 
animal; vide Ciivier, Linnreus^ and modern scien- 
tists. {This was printed large to inspire respect for 
our vege-table). The animals we eat suffer from dis- 
ease as we do ; your chop may have belonged to a 
consumptive sheep ; your steak to a scrofulous ox, 
your pork tenderloin to a gouty pig ; your breast-cut 
of wild-fowl to a lunatic canvas-back, your dainty 
wing to a dyspeptic prairie chicken, and your mayon- 
naise cutlet to a salmon with incipient paralysis. 
{This was to reconcile them to the absence of those 
dainties.) A full-grown man can live luxuriously on 
ten cents a day ; comfortably on five ; adequately on 
two. Two cents worth of wheat, corn, potatoes, 
onions, etc., are ample to sustain health. Five cents 
add milk, cheese, butter, etc., to enrich the former. 
Ten cents, by weekly or monthly purchases, add 
dates, figs, raisins, nuts, fresh fruits, tea or beer, 
etc., yielding as rich and varied a diet as a man needs. 
{Here folloioed the tables of food values as already 
given.) A healthy man should eat no more than he 
wastes joer die^n. Excess is worse than wastefulness. 
Experience is a better guide than statistics as to the 
quantity required. The various dishes that will be 
set before you will furnish your system with a liberal 
store of flesh-forming, muscle-strengthening, bone- 
building, heat-giving, force-creating substances. Be 



OUK EXPERIMENTS TN DIET. 41 

not down-hearted because a disli seemeth bald ; there 
is more meat within than meets thine eye. 

By this time we had become vegetarians, pure and 
simple. We were launched on the sea of experiment, 
out of sight of land, and the toothsome animals there- 
on. You will be curious to know the contents of our 
larder. Well, it might have passed for a grocery 
store, and a variegated one at that. But this gives 
you no idea of the transmogrification its contents 
underwent on their triumphal march to the din- 
ing-room. We had frequent little parties, of inti- 
mates only, of course, and I assure you that Patty 
and I laughed consumedly over the fun our menus 
caused. It did not cost me a cent for antibilious 
medicine the whole of our year's experiment. But, 
to be candid, I guess it would have meant a few 
dollars but for the laughing fits. 

Our soups bore the most illustrious names in the 
culinary calendar, and never did anybody detect their 
innocence of flesh. Lentil or pea flour, with barley, 
potatoes, herbs, a bit of toast, burnt onion, burnt 
sugar and sauce will deceive the very elect if nobly 
christened. 

Our " fish " course would include salmon steaks, 
cod rissoles, oysters and other finny-cal morsels, and 
we prided ourselves on their bonelessness. I under- 



42 DINNEROLOGY : 

stood that a basis of cunningly flavored pudding-stuff 
served for the fishiness and Patty's artistic genius 
satisfied the critical eye. Her mock oysters were 
sublime but for their lack of pedigree ; the sauces 
worked the charm. 

Your everyday coarse sirloins and legs were beneath 
our serious notice. In lieu of these there came a stately 
array of mock-goose, mock-chicken, mock-pigeon pie, 
mock-beefsteak pudding, accompanied by real cauli- 
flowers soused with cheese sauce, real potato omelet 
disguised in a garment of brown jelly ; real haricot of 
chestnuts with savory sauce cutlets, and kindred 
dishes galore. The " mocks " were a real delight to 
our guests, but the " realities," I confess, mocked 
most of our anticipations. 

" Hello ! Patty ! — my — —' Jc-' cJc-umm ! " 

'■'■George! You're choking ! Oh, %ohat shall I do ! 
— Bridget — run — run — " 

" All right now, dear ! Gi' me a drink but 

it's all over with me now ! " 

^' George ! what is ? " 

" Strict vegetarianity — that's all, dear, — Vve swal- 
lowed a snail in my cabbage P 

It was the moral lapse that grieved me. To think 
I had fulfilled my vows eleven whole months and then 
to fall back to flesh ! Worse still not to have one's 
choice of a backslide. 



OUK expekXments in diei\ 43 

When it came to the sweets and the dessert we, of 
course, had no more dodgery to do. We noticed that 
our friends seemed to regain their wonted gaiety 
about the time when I ceased expounding the chart. 
But fruits and pies and w^nes generally do gladden 
the hearts of well-dined philosophers. T ought to 
have explained that lard never entered our larder, 
though it seems as if the closet so named ought never 
to contain anything else. We used butter and olive 
oil, being vegetables within the meaning of the law, 
always allowing for the usual legal loophole through 
which genuine cotton-seed unction and immaculate 
oleomargarine no doubt found their occasional way. 

Perhaps it may be thought that our food field must 
have been considerably limited under our new system. 
Yet the taking a herd or a flock out of a pas- 
ture rather suggests the notion that more grass, 
(which is flesh) would remain. Anyway, to settle the 
point, take a careful inventory of all the dishes on the 
next banqueting board you adorn, count those that 
belong to the animal kingdom and those that belong 
to the vegetable, and you will discover that, while, 
numerically, the meats would scarcely be missed, the 
bulk of the nutriment you take in comes from the 
other class. The very word ''banquet" originally 
meant what is now called the dessert. Tlie coarser 
fare was eaten in a matter-of-fact way and then the 



44 DINNEROLOGY : 

company adjourned to a more elegant room, usually 
the arbor or garden house, to enjoy the banquet of 
sweets and fruits while " merrie musicke " was sung 
and played. 

The staple foods at our other meals included the 
pulse family, macaroni, fruits, oftener raw than 
cooked, vegetables, eggs, cheese, jams and jellies, 
salads and sauces (home-made) frumenty (a glorious 
dish and a prime favorite with all) cocoa, milk, lem- 
onade, tea, coffee, fruit juices, and nuts unlimited. 

As to nuts, they are blamed for half the sins of 
the dinner-table. They require a full proportion of 
gastric juice to digest them. Fill the stomach with 
meats, pastry and similar exacting substances, and 
they help themselves to all the available service of 
the digestive machinery. To eat nuts now is to 
doubly overload an already overloaded beast of burden. 
But go to your nut store hungry, and a dozen oily 
Brazils will sit on your ^' chest "with the graceful 
lightness of a fairy. Eat your chop first, and then 
two of them will weigh like the nuts on a suspension 
bridge. Moral : If you like nuts, pay them the com- 
pliment of hungering for them. 

" My dear, have you noticed the peculiar walk 
Percy has got into the way of lately, the little dar- 
ling?" 

" Little ! I've been wondering if you've been 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 45 

qualifying him for some amateur dime-show charity ! 
Why, no ; I've not particularly noticed his walk, 
Patty.'' 

" Well, he seems to me to bob up and down between 
his strides like the porpoises we saw from the ship — " 

^^ I see, you mean an airy, fairy-like rise. I've 
observed that. In fact I catch myself at it at times, 
and I do believe you tread the floor more lightly 
than " 

" Kow, George, you're teasing, and I'm in earnest 
about the dear boy ! " 

^'So am I, Patty; the truth is our diet is so rich 
in hydrogen, amongst other blessings, I really should 
not be very surprised to see Master Percy bobbing 
all round the dining-room ceiling one of these morn- 
ings, and you trying to hook him down with the toast- 
ing fork — with the imminent risk of recovering noth- 
ing but his ^ bust ! ' '^ 

" You horrid thing ! Do be serious — do ! " 

"My dear Patty, am I ever anything else? Have 
you forgotten our studies in the old masters ? Don't 
you remember asking me why that voracious old veg- 
etist the philosophic Pythagoras forbade his disciples 
to eat beans ? '' 

" Yes, I remember, and you told me that as the 
colleges at Boston all boycott Pythagoras and his 



46 DINNEROLOGY : 

teachings you were never able to find out the reason 
why " 

" My dear — I know it noio ! I feel as if I had 
^ Itesurgani^ tattooed across my chest — don't you 
too ? " 

"Oh George, you make me feel so uncanny — I'm 
growing quite light-headed." 

" Exactly, the practice of vegetarianism does tend 
to increase the brilliance by decreasing the gravity 
of the cerebral organ. But it gives great breadth 
elsewhere ; that reminds me — confound it — I forgot to 
go and try on my new " 

" You^ue not been ordering new clothes too ? '' 

" Why, have you ? !' 

"Well, haven't you noticed that I've been keeping 
riorrie and Percy in pinafores all the time — poor 
dears — -they haven't a decent thing that will button 
properly ! " 

" Ha ! — that's good — oh, it is too good ! Why, 
there hasn't been a week these three months that 
I have not had to have something let in to let 
out my vest behind. I didn't think it worth nam- 
ing to you." 

^' Well, and I've had to do no end of dress-making 
lately, in a quiet way.'' 

"I guess vegetarianity needs a powerful lot of 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 47 

studying by the help of the modern commentators, 
Patty, before we can strike the golden mean." 

"That's just what I've been thinking for ever so 
long, George, dear, only I didn't like to shake your 
faith." 

"A little judicious shaking might have done mc 
good, physically, anyway ; but I think, as we are just 
at the end of our long Lent we may profitably review 
our experience." 

So we gave up several evenings to a thorough bal- 
ancing of the pros and cons. It was something to 
feel we were at the end of our penance, for the sorest 
of our experiences were the temptations of seeing our 
hosts and hostesses enjoying what we had muz- 
zled ourselves against. Of course, it was sturdy 
moral discipline, and we made the most of that 
flattering solace. The other moral reward was 
the consciousness that we were demonstrating the 
practicability of living, healthily and heartily, with- 
out tasting flesh. That was almost a miracle in 
our friends' eyes, who verily believed they would 
perish of inanition if they did not eat meat at 
least once a day. The flesh and blood superstition is 
slow in giving way to reason and fact. We felt a 
solid satisfaction in convincing ourselves, and others, 
that meat-eating is a mere luxury, not a necessity. 
If we can convince the poor of this, it alone will cure 



48 DINNEROLOGY : 

half the ills which ignorance makes poverty inherit. 
As for the sufficiencj'^ of a non-flesh diet, the following 
example deserves consideration. A recent writer de- 
scribes the life of the famous French Carthusian 
monks who make the liqueur known by the name of 
the monastery, the Grand Chartreuse. 

" The order was founded by St. Bruno in 1084. Its 
founder believed that manual labor was more healthy 
to relieve the hours of contemplation than other un- 
profitable exercise. The monks are never allowed to 
eat meat, and fish cannot be eaten except when given 
as alms. Eggs and cheese are their food on two days, 
pulse and boiled herbs on three others, and bread and 
water on Wednesday and Friday. One meal a day is 
the only allowance, except on feasts of the double 
class, and this they eat in their lonely cells. They 
sleep on sheetless beds, and are awakened twice dur- 
ing the night to recite their office. Hough hair 
shirts are worn next their skin, and when they die 
they are laid in the grave without anything between 
them and the clay but the robes they wore in life. A 
single cross marks their graves, no name being en- 
graved thereon. Strange to say, nearly all the monks 
die of old age.'' 

Another example, nearer home, is that of Dr. Gar- 
rettson, of Cincinnati, who was interviewed on behalf 
of the New York Mail in the Christmas week of 1888. 



DINNEROLOGY . 49 

" Dr. Garrettson, who was in this city during the 
past week, is 83 years old, and it is his boast that he 
never in his life suffered a pain. 

^ How do you explain such a remarkable exemp- 
tion ? ' he was asked. 

' You would scarcely believe me were I to tell you,' 
he replied ; and an incredulous smile played about 
liis pallid lips. ' I am not as robust as some men, 
nor as full of life's rosy color, but my step's as light, 
my nerves are as true and ray appetite as good as, or 
perhaps a trifle better than, those of men half my 
age, who are reputed to be models of good health.' 

EATS NEITHER MEAT NOR SALT. 

' Why is it ? Well, I will tell you, although you 
no doubt will scout the idea, as most people do. It 
has now been fifty-three years since I tasted meat or 
grease of any kind whatever, and forty-two years 
since I have eaten a particle of salt or seasoning of 
any kind in any food. Doesn't look reasonable, does 
it ? Everybody, you know, imagines that if he were 
to be denied salt he would get sick and ultimately 
perish — but, sir, it is true — no salt in forty-two 
years.' 

< But when travelling. Doctor, how do you manage 
it?' 

' Easy enough. I have my food especially prepared 
at the hotel if I am away from home any length of 



50 DINNEROLOGY : 

time ; if I am not, I carry enough lunch ^\lt\\ me to 
last till I return/ 

' That's all very pretty, but what about the grease 
— ^you know that enters everything in the cooking 
process ? ' 

'Not in my case. To begin with, I do not eat 
fried food. An article fried is already condemned. 
Did you ever hear of anything being fried for a sick 
man? When the stomach begins to break down, the 
first thing it rejects is fried food. Next it rejects 
grease in any form. It's nauseous. This fact was 
what suggested the elimination of grease from my 
food. I experimented with such marked success that 
my mind began to inquire furtl.er into the problem.' 

THE INDIAN AS A MODEL. 

'The Indian in his native state,' he said, ^ never 
tasted salt, and health with him is almost second 
nature. As much as I liked salt as an element to 
bring out the latent flavor of many articles of food, I 
regarded perfect health as essential to happiness and 
conducive to greater enjoyment of life than what 
little pleasure I might extract from an hour at table, 
and my salt went the way my meat and grease went. 
When I gave up meat and grease, the denial cost 
me a great effort, but I came out in time master of 
the situation, and have not for years had any desire 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 5J 

for any of those things. Taste is very much a thing 
of cultivation. The palate is capable of being ad- 
justed to a high appreciation of almost any flavor. 
Why, I have seen men gag over beer arid oysters and 
bananas and tomatoes and whatnot, when they first 
tasted them, but after repeated attacks became fond 
of any or all of them. To me, now, a seasoned article 
of food or grease in any form would be as unpalatable 
as an article which 3'ou refuse to eat unless highly 
seasoned would be to you were it not seasoned.' " 

For the moneyed classes the inducements of veg- 
etarianism are based on the alleged harmfulness of a 
flesh diet, which is quite true of excessive meat-eat- 
ing. The question is, What is excess ? And may not 
the disuse of meats tend to an excess of the other 
sort ? We rather thought it did. If we had gone 
in for the vegetarian practice of the Nebuchadnezzar 
school, I dare say the field exercise would regulate 
the girth. As to digestion, we had nothing to com- 
plain of. It required undying vigilance at the chart 
to secure our freedom from troubles, and we agree 
that the same care will probably pay us as good a 
profit when we enter upon the modified dietary we 
propose. Another valuable lesson we learnt, which 
was that we may safely rely on a very much smaller 
quantity of food than we had formerly thought essen- 
tial. But this, too, applies equally to the meat-eater. 



52 DINNEEOLOGY : 

Patty had cliarge of the economics. She reported 
that while it is easy to feed phiin palates on a suffi- 
cient diet at a cost of a very few cents a day, practi- 
cally it is not possible to furnish an ordinaril}^ taste- 
ful table for any less cost than under the mixed 
dietary. She found many advantages appreciable 
by housewives in general, but especially by those 
who have to study economy, in the meat market that 
are not to be had for the same outlay in the vege- 
tarian store. Tastes wearied of the " mock " meats 
sooner than they do of the actual. There is more 
trouble in the kitchen and consequently more kitchen- 
troubles. The lower region is demoralized, and 
there are rumors of rebellion. (She refers to the 
basement floor.) On the whole we agreed that the 
advantages were outweighed by these and other 
drawbacks. We never wished to cultivate asceticism. 
So, feeling convinced that our valuable experience 
would enable us to hit upon a scheme more sweetly 
reasonable and practicable, we made up our minds to 
draw up a plan for further trial. 

Patty permits me to copy two or three of the vege- 
tarian Christmas dinner recipes she collected. Whether 
I ever tasted any of these marvellous concoctions I am 
quite unable to say, and I dare not ask her 
Vegetarian Goose: 
Get a vegetable marrow, pare it, and scoop out all 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 53 

the seeds ; make a stuffing of sage, onions, bread 
crumbs, and butter, and stuff the marrow ; boil or 
steam in a cloth two hours. Two vegetables and 
brown gravy, the gravy to be made by putting a little 
butter in the frying-pan with a little flour, and al- 
lowed to brown ; then add so much water to suit 
family, and mix it and let it come to the boil ; to be 
followed by mince-pie, Christmas-pudding and sweet 
sauce. 
Vegetable Pie : 

Stew some lentils and split peas till tender in suf- 
ficient water, with one large onion, and a few leaves 
of sage; have ready some potatoes boiled and mashed, 
turn the lentils, peas, etc., into a buttered dish ; spread 
a thick layer of potato over it, score it ; place in oven 
to brown (add salt and pepper to taste). The peas and 
potatoes may be cooked the day before required, and 
then made into pies when wanted. Two vegetables and 
brown gravy as above. Mince-pie and Christmas- 
pudding, sweet sauce. 
Another Christmas Dinner: 

First Course : Savory pudding, dish of mashed 
potatoes, dish of Brussels sprouts, brown bread, apple, 
sauce, brown sauce. Second Course : Plum Pudding, 
Third Course : Cheese and celery. Fourth Course : 
Apples, oranges, nuts. Directions for preparing the 
above. Savory Pudding : Ingredients, 4 oz. butter, 



54 DINNEROLOGY : 

4oz. onion, 12 oz. wlieatmeal, six sage leaves, 2 oz. 
tapi-oca, pepper and salt to taste. Wash the tapioca, 
and soak it for two hours in cold water. Rub 
thoroughly the butter and meal together ; chop the 
onions and sage fine. Mix the whole together with 
skimmed milk (water will do) ; make it into a long 
pudding in a cloth, and boil about two to two and a 
half hours. — Plum Pudding : Ingredients : 4 oz. butter, 
6 oz. plums (or sultanas), 1 oz. peel, 3 oz. Demerara 
sugar, 12 oz. wheatmeal, half a nutmeg grated, 2 oz. 
tapioca. How prepared : Wash and soak tapioca as 
for savory puddings, rub the butter and meal together 
thoroughly ; stone the plums, cut the peel into small 
dice, mix all together with skimmed milk (water will 
do) ; put into a well-buttered basin and boil three 
hours. An egg well beaten and added to it when 
mixing up would improve it. When done turn out 
and grate lump sugar over it, and stick a small twig 
of holly in the top. Apple Sauce. — 2 oz. apples, 2i.^ oz. 
Demerara sugar. Wipe and wash the apples, and 
take out the cores (not necessary to peel them if they 
be cut up small) ; boil till thoroughly tender, with 
just enough water to cover when put on. Do not 
strain any away. Add the sugar when the apples 
are done, and beat up. Brown Sauce : 2 oz. butter, 
pinch of pepper and salt, a little flour. How pre- 
pared: Melt the butter in a frying pan over the fire, 



OUK EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 55 

dredge in the flour as long as the butter will take it 
up, then stir about with an iron spoon till it is nicely 
browned ; then add the pepper and salt, and sufficient 
water to make it of a thin creamy consistence (about 
a pint and a half), stir together and boil one minute. 
Potatoes : Peel 41bs. of potatoes ; put into a saucepan 
of cold water, add a piece of salt about the size of a 
small walnut, and boil till tender. Strain away the 
water ; let them steam for about five minutes, then 
beat them, while still in the saucepan, athwart and 
across, and round and round with an ordinary steel 
table-fork', until they are nice and fine ; turn out into 
the dish, and cut across. Brussels sprouts : A gal- 
lon of sprouts. Pick and wash carefully, and just 
crack the base of the sprout with the knife. Don't 
soak all the taste out of them by letting them stand 
in water for hours. When ready, throw them into 
a saucepan of boiling water, to which has been add- 
ed a pinch of salt, and a very little carbonate of 
soda ; boil rapidly with the lid off till done. From a 
health point of view the third and fourth courses 
would be better omitted. Total cost for the whole of 
the materials ought not to exceed 44c or 50c. at 
the outside. The two courses would be found suffi- 
cient for six average adults. The dinner, if properly 
prepared, will be not only cheap, but delicious, whole- 
some, nutritious, satisfying and easily digestible. 



5Q DTKNEROLOGY 



CHAPTER IV. 

OUR COMMON-SENSE COMPROMISE. 

Our Declaration of the Eights of the Inner Man. — We Ad- 
mit the Animals to Our Alimentary Arli. — Patty 
Preaches. — Kniclcerbocker Solidity. — Common Sense 
Drinking. — Sham Abstinence. — The Prohibitionist's 
Soliloquy. — We Kesolve to Enjoy, Simplify, Economize. 

At last the three hundred and sixty-sixth day of 
our Lenten fast came, and we broke it with an Easter 
feast of — ham and eggs ! Yes, I shamelessly confess 
it, for Patty as well as myself. She wanted us to have 
a sausage inauguration of the Restoration to Dietetic 
Rights, but I stood out against the indignity of 
mincing matters by any such nondescript symbolism, 
and my battle for " the whole hog or none " pre- 
vailed. After a glorious, but withal, a frugal " free '^ 
meal, we went into select committee upon the table- 
policy for the ensuing year, intent upon drawing up a 
schedule of operations. 

"And I think we ought to begin by a Declaration 
of Independence, don't you, George ? " 

" Conjugal, my dear, or '' 

"Bless you, 7to/ I declare you re much too inde- 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IK DIET. 57 

pendent, already ! I mean our mutual independence 
of cranks and grim science grinders, scaring our com- 
fort with their isms and ologies ! " 

" Why, certainly we will, my dear, and your sug- 
gestion is admirable. Here goes : 

'■ When, in the course of human events, it becomes 
advisable for two people to dissolve the prejudicial 

bands which have united them ' 

' Pm sure that's all wrong, — you are mixing the 
Declaration with the preamble of the latest Divorce 
Act, I think, and it would be better for your good 
citizenship if you'd think more about the one, and less 
of the other, George ! " 

"Well, Patty, those are just the things most fel- 
lows do get mixed up in nowadays, if we may judge 
by the papers — " 

" Oh, I'm sick of the papers ! They fill one column 
with bragging that our country is the biggest in the 
world, and the next five try to make out by their 
tittle-tattle that its people are the smallest ! " 

" My dear, don't be hard upon the unfortunates 
who have to ' chronicle small beer,' or starve for want 
of cranial capital. But where did we leave off ? " 

" We were just coming to the Whereases^ and I had 
prepared this : 

^ Whereas all men are created equal, and most 
women superior, we hold that they are endowed with 



68 DINNEROLOGY ; 

certain inalienable rights, among which is the Kight 
to pursue happiness in the dining-room, and the Lib- 
erty to enjoy life and Good Living unfettered except 
by prudence.' How will that do, my royal George 
the First?" 

*^ If you put it that way — I surrender, of course. 
But now to business, Patty, for I am beginning to 
see visions of the coming lunch — di(;cklings and saddle 
of mutton — ah ! " 

" And real salmon steaks and real pigeon pie ! " 

" See here, Patty, let's change the subject ; it's not 
ten o'clock yet ! What you were driving at is this, 
ain't it ? We are going to extend our range (I don't 
mean the kitchen range) but not our execution — " 

" I don't know anything about your military ma- 
noeuvres, so I'll explain it for you in good womanly 
English — we are going to do three sensible things : 

1. Enjoy our Food ; 

2. Simplify it ; and 

3. Economize it. 
Won't that do ? " 

'^ Splendidly ! Why, Patty, you are quite a parson, 
with your firstly and finally — " 

"Nevermind, wait till I come to the practical ap- 
plication. Oh, no, I didn't hint at a kiss, though it 
will probably soften my concluding rap at the sinner; 
— there, now, let's talk week-day sense again." 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 59 

" Well, I'm glad you have put your first head first, 
Patty. I am perfectly sure God would not have 
filled man's table with good things, nor have made his 
cup run over, if He had intended enjoyment in eating 
and drinking to be a sin." 

" Why, of course not ! There are lots and lots of 
passages that set our mouths watering, and they were 
never put there for nothing. I can only think of one 
just now, where it tells us that Miis brethren set food 
before Benjamin, and he did eat ' — how wonderfully 
expressive that did is, isn't it ? " 

" My dear, I fear the commentators would make a 
hash of Benjamin's dish, but your reading would do 
credit to the imagination of Talmage himself." 

"Well, but, whatever it was, he evidently enjoyed 
it, and that's all I care about ; you should never ex- 
pect a preacher to tackle more of his text than suits 
his purpose, don't j^ou know ? " 

" I guess our jolly ancestors enjoyed their dinners 
— look at great-grandpa Vanboompje up there — ha, — 

there's your 

Justice, 
In fair round chest, with good fat capon lined, 
With eyes severe, and beard of formal cut, 

but eyes that twinkled and beard that merrily wagged 
when the capon had reached home well drenched with 
wine-showers ! " 



60 DINNEROLOGY : 

" George, do you know I came across a piece the 
other day in one of your old books — here it is — I'll 
read it ; it's from old George Gascoigne's ^Voyage to 
Holland.' He wrote it more than three hundred 
years ago. Here's his picture of your old Knicker- 
bocker of the period : 

Methinks they be a race of bull-beef born, 
Whose hearts their butter mollyfieth by kind, 
And so the force of beef is clean outworn ; 
And eke their brains with double-beer are lined, 
So that they march bumbast with butter'd beer, 
Like sops of brovesse (broth) puff'd up with froth ; 
Where inwardly they be but hollow geer, 
As weak as wind which with one puff upgoeth. 
And yet they brag and think they have no peer, 
Because Haarlem hath hitherto held out. 

"Well, that's all right as far as the beef and butter 
and beer, but I guess they had good honest avoirdupois 
inside their galligaskins ; they weren't vegetarians, 
you know." 

" That's true, yet I shouldn't wonder if some of 
their descendants don't sometimes show a symptom 
of hereditary puffed-upishness even now ; but that's 
nothing, is it ? " 

" My dear, I'm not a pursuivant herald-at-arms in 
the 'America Heraldica' college of free and equal 
'ocracies ! " 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 61 

"Well, the amount of feeling you threw into the 
first line of the hj'^mn last Sunday set me thinking ; 
it was : 

Hark the herald angeh sing." 

" I must have been thinking about that gorgeous 
monogram you had ordered, my dear, which reminds 
me we were discussing Dutch dinners " 

" I ho]3e you don't intend us to discuss them on 
our table, George ! Judging by your ancestors' por- 
traits, I am inclined to quote — wasn't it Canning's 
little joke — 

' In dming, the fault of the old time Dutch, 
Was pausing too little and eating too much !' " 

" My dear, you never can quote correctly j that's 
all wrong — it goes more like this : 

In talking, the wealth of a woman is sucli, 

Her gold is too scarce and her bronze too much." 

" George ! How dare you ! That's a wicked slan- 
der on Canning — and on our sex ! " 

" Talking of canning, my dear, I haven't any par- 
ticular respect for it, always excepting sardines and 
potted pastes. We can't e7ijoi/ canned fish, for 
instance, or fruit." 

"That's a neat sneak-out, George ; so I'll forgive 
you this once. No, Z don't much care for more than 



62 DINNEROLOGY : 

can't be done without, though they come in very 
handy sometimes. What are we going to do about 
wines and beers ? " 

"Drink 'em, my dear." * 

" Well, I'm not quite clear about that. I've 
thought a good deal of late about the evils of stimu- 
lants." 

" The physical or the moral ? " 

" Both ; but I am thinking of the physical just now." 

" Well, Patty, don't you know that neither we nor 
anybody else can get along in health without taking 
stimulants ?" 

" Now that's absurd, George. Look at the Drink- 
waters ; teetotal all their lives ! " 

" Tea-total drinkers I'll swear ! Why, there isn't 
a teetotaller in existence who doesn't take his full 
whack of vicious stimulants — *y they are vicious; the 
only difference is they get it round the corner, so to 
speak." 

" What do you mean ? " 

"Just this; there's more rank poison in a pint of 
tea than there is in a pint of beer or a bottle of sound 
wine, and I am satisfied that more dyspepsia is caused 
by tea and coffee than by the same quantities of good 
'intoxicating' beverages." 

"But people don't go around making fools of them- 
selves on tea." 



OUR EXPEKIMENTS IN DIET. 63 

"No, but they get there just the same in the long 
run. There's absolutely no nutriment in tea, till 
you add cream and sugar, and even then it is more 
harmful than a glass of honest ale. In fact I have 
to drink a glass of beer to allay the nerve irritation 
caused by tea.'' 

" But all teetotallers don't dissipate on tea, dear." 

"Very likelj'' not, but I have never met one who 
didn't either eat more flesh meat or fish tlian the 
average man, unless he had tea, coffee, milk, or some 
so-called ' temperance ' drink-shams ; they 77iust stim- 
ulate some way and they do." 

"Well, George, I've tasted some delicious temper- 
ance cordials and wines. I'm sure they were just as 
good as hock or claret, in their way — " 

"And do you know what their way is, Patty? 
Why there is not a teetotal ' non-alcoholic ' wine that 
has less than from fifteen to thirty j)er cent, of pure 
— no — the impurest, fieriest, cheapest alcohol in it, to 
keep it good. They simply cannot make a wine with- 
out alcohol, as everybody knows, or ought to. And 
as for the tribe of quack ^ tonics,' ^ bitters ' and 
^ cordials,' the professing teetotaler who keeps them 
on his premises, whether on the sideboard or in the 
little locker in the bedroom, well — you may safely 
write him down a pharisee or a phool." 



64 DINNEROLOGY : 

" You are talking strongly, George ; are you quite 
sure you are on safe ground ? " 

"You may be sure I shouldn't speak without 
authority. I have myself known a teetotal firm, 
makers of 'temperance' drinks, and they not only 
told me, but showed me that it was absolutely neces- 
sary to put fourteen per cent, of alcohol (potato spirit) 
into the mildest brew they made. The public ana- 
lysists testify to the same facts. The chemist to the 
Board of Health of Massachusetts published a report 
on investigations recently made by "him into the 
tonics and bitters advertised and used in the United 
States. Forty-six out of 47 examined were found to 
contain alcohol in quantities varying from 6 to 47.5 
per cent., the average being 21.5 per cent. One 
advertised as • not a rum drink ' contains 13.2 per 
cent.; a 'coca beef tonic/ which is said to contain 
some sherry, actually contains 23.2 per cent., while 
sherry contains only 18 to 20 per cent. Another 
described as a purely vegetable extract, ' a stimulus 
to the body without intoxicating,' contains 41.6 per 
cent, of alcohol, while whisky and brandy contain 
only 50 per cent. This particular tonic is especially 
recommended to inebriates struggling to reform, 
because ' its tonic and sustaining influence on the 
nervous system is a great help to their efforts.' An- 
other tonic, said to be distilled from seaweed, and 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 65 

quite harmless, contains 19.5 per cent, of alcohol, and 
certain ^German bitters,' which are advertised as 
purely vegetable and free from alcoholic stimulant, 
have 26.5 per cent. Certain ' sulphur ' bitters con- 
tain no sulphur, and, though advertised to contain no 
alcohol, actually contain 20.5 per cent. One maker's 
'concentrated sherry wine bitters' contain 47.5 per 
cent, of alcohol, or barely 2,5 per cent, less than 
brandy, while another ' stomach bitters ' contain 42.6 
and a third 44.3 per cent, of alcohol. Of the whole 
forty-seven tonics and bitters examined, only one was 
free from alcohol, and the average alcoholic strength 
was greater than that of sherry. Now do me the 
justice to observe that I am in no way running tee- 
totalism down, nor upholding drunkenness. I draw 
a broad line between the sincere abstainer and the 
hypocrite who tipples in these abominable deceptions. 
I reverence the self-denial of the man who says ' I 
will drink no wine, that I may reclaim my brother 
who drinks too much.' These are our untrumpeted 
heroes, greater in true greatness than the lucky leader 
of big armies. But this is moral suasion, quite 
another thing from the abusing of nature's gifts 
because the weak-minded don't use them sensibly." 

" Shouldn't we keep them from the drinks, or the 
drinks from them ? '' 

" If you live in a free country, peopled with com- 



66 DINNEROLOGY : 

mon-sense folk, you have certainly no right to lock up 
their razors or tlieir ropes, or their laudanum or their 
beer. If some of them misuse these excellent aids to 
happiness, — well, sit down and study the percentage 
of fools in the family, then count the spare beds in 
your asylum, mail a ten-dollar note to the nearest 
church, do your duty to your weakling friends by 
your strong talk and example, and then be thankful 
you live in a land where drunkards don't claim the 
right to prohibit tea-tippling." 

" Whatever should we do if they did, and got a 
majority ? Wouldn't it be frightful ? " 

^'My dear — never speak disrespectfully of a major- 
ity! God has given us a majority of fingers, toes, 
limbs and organs expressly to govern the minority 
organ — the brain — which floats like scum at the top." 

"Now, I had never thought of that! How clever 
3'ou always are, George ; what a consolation when 
we are tempted to grumble at election time." 

"Yes. Now I'm going to read you a new piece. 
It's called 

THE prohibitionist's SOLILOQUY. 

To be free, or not be free, tbat is tbe question ; 
Whether 'tis right to rail at all ale drinkers, 
And sling against them most outrageous charges, 
Or take up arms against the drunkards only, 
And, by restraining, save them, 



ONK EXPiiiilMENTS IN DIET. ' 67 

To spy, to creep, 
To make a crime of taste, and think we end 
Men's Freedom by our thousand tyrannous tricks ; 
To gain the right by wrong — 'tis a dehision 
Devoutly to be hugg'd. To sigh, — to weep, — 
And know saloonatics and heelers laugh 
And only drink the more, — ay, there's the rub ; 
For though we gag with all our might in Maine, 
They cutely shuffle off our legal coil ; 
This gives us pause. There's no respect 
For the calamity of our party vote : 
Shall we still bear the whips of scornful foes, 
The brewer's chaff, the moderate drinker's frown, 
The pangs of unsuccess, the law's fair-play, 
The hopelessness of office, and the spurns 
That Conscience puts on our intemperance 
In thrusting " temperance" down a free man's throat, 
When our much-wished quietus we might make 
By taking back our threats, and canting-talent, 
Wrapp'd in its muzzlin' napkin ? 

Who would beat the air, 
And grunt and sweat under this losing strife, 
But for the itch of forcing all free men 
To think and act like me, and drive them to 
That undiscover'd country in whose bounds 
No beer is brew'd, where glad'ning wine is sin, 
And alcohol in sickness deadly crime ? 
We'd rather lop the liberties you have, 
Than grant you tolerance — which we know naught of. 
Thus conscious cowardice makes despots of us all. 



68 DINNEPvOLOGY : 

And thus the native hue of Prohibition 

Is sickUed o'er with this vain east of thought : 

To wit — When we usurp the seat of Power, 

We'll make a law to crush the wicked ways 

Of temperate livers, whose pernicious vice 

It is to use, without abusing, drinks. 

O then — look out for squalls ! Beer bungs shall fly, 

Bottles disgorge their contents down the drains. 

And he who dares to sip shall straight be hanged ! 

Thus beer shall brew no more, and Temperance 

Shall be no more a Virtue. 

We adjourned after this until afternoon, when we 
resumed our work. We had decided the first princi- 
ple — we meant to e?2joi/ our diet. The next point 
was, how to simplify it, for we had been fully con- 
vinced by our twelve months' experiment that health 
by no means demands more than a very modest table 
can furnish. 

" Patty, my dear, I guess we won't quarrel so much 
over this clause as we did over the first. I actually 
had to have a stimulant before I could venture on my 
walk." 

" Oh, George, what is becoming of all our fine res- 
olutions ? It was never — whisky ? " 

" No ; try again, dear." 

"Sherry, bass, or — temperance cordial? ""^ 

" Catch me at that I No, my dear, I took my pick- 
me-up dry " 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IK DIET. 69 

" Of course, 'extra sec ' something " 



" ]S^ot a bit of it. Just a small handful of raisins 
and almondsj that's all ! Why, there's as much stim- 
ulating virtue in a score of raisins as in a full glass of 
wine, and with the almonds they make as fine a lunch 
as a man need wish." 

" Nutritious, too ? " 

" Certainly, few foods more so. People make a 
huge mistake in using them at dessert only. They 
should make an occasional meal on them, and notice 
the effect." 

" But what a luxurious taste ! to say nothing of 
the price ! " 

" Well, any nuts, almost, are as good as almonds as 
far as that goes. You can't eat a cart-load at a time, 
either. I guess I shall revive some of the old drinks 
one of these days. ' Booza,' for instance, a drink 
the Turks used to make from barley, whence, I sup- 
pose, our verb to ' booze,' familiar to boozers. Then 
there's the Russian ' Quash,' an elegant beverage 
made of hot water poured on rye bread until it fer. 
ments. The Dutch drink Schnapps for malaria, a 
gin made of turpentine, one taste of which taught me 
that the correct pronunciation of Schiedam, where it 
is made, is to pile all the emphasis on the second syl- 
lable." 

That's all very well, George, but I must keep you 



70 DINNEROLOGY : 

to the point; if we are going to simplify, I fancy 
plain crackers and ice water come nearer the mark/' 

" I don't feel so sure about that, Patty. Adam and 
his antediluvian posterity lived pretty largely on 
almonds and raisins, I guess, only they weren't dried 
up as ours have to be ; his had all their life-giving 
sunshine in them. These, with frumenty and perhaps 
a potato or two," 

" And a bit of venison to relish them — " 

'^ Well, perhaps, — or maybe a bit of veal at a family 
gathering (they had a weakness for apoplectic veal 
in those days it would seem).'' 

" But the orchard and the field supplied most of 
their wants, and supplied them well, as we know by 
the prosperit}'^ of his posterity." 

" Well, what of that ? " 

^' Why, this : as soon as they got to be prosperous 
they invented indigestion and doctors ; as the good 
book tells us, 'they waxed fat and kicked.' " 

" The doctors ? " 

" Oh no, the doctors are always slim enough to 
dodge a fat patient's agility." 

"I'm sure most mien sufferers are impatients I " 

" And doctors naturally appreciate the womanly 
virtues, 'patients and long suffering.' I was'saying 
that degeneracy came in with luxury, and it will be 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 71 

our wisdom to get back to simplicity as quickly as 
we can." 

" Yes, dear, I'm entirely with you there. We shall 
set the world an example in that direction, which rtxay 
spread and spread until we convert the whole of the 
parish, who knows ? " 

'^ That's more in our line than converting the world^ 
Patty, and you might drop a hint to that effect when 
the rector asks for the next missionary donation. 
Well, now, there's not much more to discuss under 
this head so we'll pass on to number three, Economy." 

"Yes, that's where I guess I shall really shine, 
George. I've done no end of figuring, as you call it, 
and you'll be astonished when you learn what can be 
done." 

" Studied 3''our tables ? I mean the food charts 
and figures, as well as the market tables ? " 

" Thoroughly, I've worked everything out beauti- 
fully — try me — " 

" You know just what our system requires to keep 
it strong and healthy ? " 

" Yes, all that we studied together, j^ou know." 

" Well, I particularly want to get at the probable 
cost of supplying the minimum of these food-sub- 
stances to an average body. For instance, of the 150, 
or thereabouts, pounds you weigh (check me if I am 
wrong anywhere) 90 are oxygen, 30 are carbon, 15 are 



72 DINNEROLOGY : 

hydrogen, 5 are nitrogen, 3 are calcium, and the 
rest is made up of phosphorus, potassium, sulphur, 
chlorine, sodium, magnesium, fluorine and iron, as you 
of course well know." 

" Grood gracious, George ! Did you expect to stuff 
all that jargon into my head ? Haven't we agreed 
that we will en^oy our food ? How on earth could 
anybody enjoy life if they had to keep counting and 
comparing those hideous things with every mouthful 
we eat ! " 

" Well, my dear, I only thought I'd take you at 
your word; I've thankfully forgotten most of the con- 
founded chemicalities mj^self." 

"That's right, only they were very good to know 
when we were beginners, weren't they ? They taught 
us what foods really feed us, and what don't, and 
that's a very necessary foundation before we can build 
our new system of dietetic enjoyment, simplicity and 
economy — " 

"Yes, nature is the sure guide and true economist. 
See how she supplies the right foods in the right 
places ; fats to the cold northerners, fruits to the 
southerners, and both to latitudinarians such as we 
are going to be." 

" So we are, for I've drawn upon every country in 
the world for our supplies. We shall be French, Dutch, 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 73 

English, Russian, Scotch, Italian, German, Chinese 

in turn and Americans all the time ! " 
(' That doesn't sound too economical ! " 
" Oh, you'll see. If I can't squeeze an extra new 

bonnet or two out of our cash surplus and still beat 

the record, I will resign my stewardship,— ^Aere/ " 
I subsided. 



74 DlNNEllOLOGY : 



CHA.PTER V. 

HOW WE LIVED WELL ON A DIME A DAY. 

Patty Makes a Few Prefatory Remarks on Eating too Much, 
too Rich, too Often. — How She did her Marketing. — 
The Sham-bread Delusion and Snare. — Our Dime Diet 
Experiment, which Saved us $30.80 per Week. — Our 
Amply Generous Dietary, which Saved us $14 per Week. 
— Our Twenty-cent Christmas Dinner. — How Patty 
Spent Some of her Savings. 

There are two good reasons why I propose to do all 
the talking myself in this chapter : first, because it is 
going to be all in praise of Patty, and secondly, be- 
cause if I let her get a start I couldn't get half said 
that I want to, and most likely she would spoil my 
present seraphic mood. She does that many a time 
with her darting repartees, but, of course I am too 
much of a philosopher to let her know it. Besides, 
she saves me from indigestion, and there's a heap of 
virtue in that. I can forgive her most incisive elo- 
quence under any circumstances with the sweet seren- 
ity of conscious innocence, whether Pm guilty or not. 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 75 

Looking back over the experiences of the twelve 
months — or thereabouts — I am proud to announce 
that Patty has proved herself a conqueress in the 
battle against superstition in the kitchen, and an im- 
perial Victoria over the dangers and difficulties of the 
festive board. (I think this will make rather an ef- 
fective beginning for a little article I intend to write 
for our local newspaper. In our newspapers style is 
everything, don't you know.) Yes, I freely confess the 
dear little Boss-ess has won a genuine triumph all 
along the line. When we commenced our compromise, 
as we called it, she showed that admirable practical 
sense, which so rarely balances beauty like hers, by 
suggesting that we had better begin by living on a 
dime a day, so that we might really acquire the right 
to speak with the authority of experience. I was 
nothing loth, in fact it was just what I wanted, only 
I should have been rather afraid to ask her to share it 
with me. Then she made me jot down on paper the 
general outlines of her plan of campaign, as she 
termed it. This practical way of hers is what makes 
me discreetly mute so often. There's no answering a wo- 
man when she baffles you with a bit of common sense. 
I must have made some weak remark or other, because 
I don't forget how she dropped on me with a moral 
introduction to the practical business that followed. 
It was to this effect : — " The only danger in having 



76 DINKEROLOGY : 

what looks like a scanty table is the temptation to 
eat too much. As if most of us don't do that every 
day on our ordinary diet ! Yet over-feeding is the one 
thing we never tolerate in our horses nor in our babies, 
and where will you find two such joerfect, beautiful 
types of physical health and sweetness as a baby and 
a 2:20 trotter? Vegetarians both, too, but plain 
feeders, anyhow, and that's all I care for. To read 
the papers, the vulgarized ones I mean, one would 
suppose that the highest delight of the average New 
Yorker is to qualify for the Fat Men's Club by piling 
200 superfluous pounds of carrion on his carcass. 
They glory in gluttony, this class of intellectual jour- 
nals, giving whole columns to the chronicling of clam- 
bake gorgings, but only five lines to philanthropic 
work among the poor. They boast about this being 
a big country, with the biggest showing of the big- 
gest pigs in civilization, and I dare say they dream 
on Sundaj^s of the big reservation staked out in 
heaven for the special roly-poly use of the New York 
Club's Fat Angels ! 

" George, we won't let each other over-eat." 
As I had scaled no higher than 175 for a year and 
a half, I cordially agreed without the slightest per- 
sonal feeling. 

" And next, George, we won't be so silly as to want 
rich food, will we ? We both like a good dish, and I 



OVR EXPEKIMENTS IN DIET. 77 

shall put plenty of them on the table, but, you know, 
the way to get the most enjoyment and good out of a 
dainty dish is — do7i^t have it too often. And the 
way to make a plain dish into a dainty one is — donH 
eat it until you are hungry. A good appetite is the 
best appetizer. A concoction which is thrust into an 
over-loaded, jaded stomach to ' tone ' it, simply irri- 
tates it. As well expect a church organ to play more 
brilliantly by blowing it up with coal gas, as a 
stomach organ to attune itself to Nature's harmony 
by dosing it with condensed cyclones of 'bitter^ dis- 
cords. It may go wrong, as the best organs some- 
times do, and play long metre, short metre, or sixes 
and sevens, but anything is better than gas metre. 
We will just eat and drink like sensible beings, 
George, and so long as we do this we shall always 
have appetite as Nature's grace before meat, and di- 
gestion, as Shakespeare says, to wait on us, as our 
proper dessert." 

All this was most convincing, though I thought 
there was just a trace of hostility to my noontide 
Bass or nip of Amontillado. However, I said noth- 
ing. It was prudent not to. Patty then remarked 
that the cost of a thing greatly depends on the price 
of it. This would never have struck me. Also, that 
when you go to the provision market the more cash 
you spend the less will be your outlay. She said that 



78 Di^NEUOLOGY; 

if the Fifth Avenue hotel were to contract to board 
us for our fixed expenditure of ten cents a day each, 
its proprietors would go bankrupt, unless they stocked 
their larder a month in advance. I suggested what a 
good idea it would be to offer them tlie reward of 
fame and glory that would follow their demonstration 
of the feasibility of our scheme ; it might even pay 
them to keep us for good for a dime, the pair of us. 
But Patty discouraged the notion. What she most 
insisted upon was the necessity of my keeping a sharp 
lookout on the provision market and its prices. As 
Wellington won Waterloo in the cricket-field of Eton 
College, so were the seeds of Patty's immortal laurels 
sown in the stony soil of the market-place. She made 
me write down the lists which I may as well put here 
as anywhere else. I had to make each on a separate 
sheet of paper and obey her instructions to the letter. 

THE PULSE FAMILY. 

Wheat, in grain : Tapioca, 

Barley, Beans, 

Prepared grits, etc. Peas, 

Hominy, Lentils, 

Sago. Macaroni. 

I suggested that perhaps some of these were rather 
distant relations of the family, but Patty replied that 



OUll EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 79 

even if they were perfect strangers it is all the more 
our Christian duty to take them in. 
Then came : 

THE BREAD BRIGADE. 

Crushed wheat : Barley meal 

Oatmeal, Groats. 

White flour, Patent "healthy" 
Kye flour, flours. 

These, she carefully explained, were to be made 
into home-made bread, under her own superintendence. 
Patty never would regard ordinary baker's bread as 
worthy the grand old name. Its whiteness and 
lightness are not merely useless qualities, but abso- 
lutely bad ones. Bread of this sort is simply the least 
nutritious portion of the wheat frothed up into a 
flabby sponge with tartaric acid and carbonate of soda. 
The crumb is pastry in the mouth and the crust 
pricks like bits of broken bottles. It is emphatically 
not food, but fashion. The bread that alone is en- 
titled to be called " the staff of life " is that made of 
the whole grain, ground into flour, the bread of 
ancient Israel and of modern Orientals. She had 
tried all the so-called " health" breads in the market, 
and we found one or two were excellent of their kind, 
but none were equal to her own home-made loaves of 



80 DINNEEOLOGY : 

crushed wheat, either in delicious taste, or appear- 
ance, or in good effects upon the system. And we 
believed hers came cheaper in cost, as it certainly did 
as a food and regulator. 

Here is an excellent American recipe for preparing 
whole wheat : 

" To cook sufficient for four adults take one cupful 
of wheat, and washing it clean in cold water, put it in 
a tin pail or crockery bowl and add one-half teaspoon- 
ful of salt and three cups of cold water. Then sus- 
pend the pail in a pot of cold water, set upon a heated 
stove and boil for ten hours. When cooked, it should 
be soft, adhesive, glutinous, and easily masticated. 
Serve with butter or milk or cream, or eat it withoutf 
as the Asiatics eat rice, with no se'asoning. If the 
cooking is well done there is an agreeable nutty 
flavor of the wheat which corresponds to the bouquet 
of grapes. This flavor seems to be lost when the 
wheat is cracked, crushed, or ground long before 
cooking." 

Crackers and biscuits we always used sparingly, 
because their dryness taxes the digestive organs more 
severely than moist foods, and this is apt to cause 
derangement if not allowed for. 

Next came 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 



HANDY SAVORIES. 



81 



Sardines, canned. 

Beef Extract, pots. Kippered Herrings. 



Potted Hare, Game, 
Bloater. 



Soup flavorings. 



Salmon, canned. 



HANDY SWEET. 

Scotch Marmalade. Preserved Ginger. 

English Jams. Chocolate. 

Raisins. Gingerbread Nuts. 

Figs and Dates, Canned Eruit. 



CHEESE. 



English Dairy. 
Dutch. 



Roquefort. 
Camembert. 



We had oilier lists of fresh Meats, Fish, Vege- 
tables, and Fruits, but they were quite ordinary in 
variety and price. The foregoing lists chiefly, it will 
be noticed, of dry stuffs, formed the basis of our 
dietary. The problem Patty had to solv6 was how 
to bring our daily expenditure down to ten cents 
per head out of a larder stocked with this material, at 
a fair discount off retail prices. 



82 DINNEROLOGY : 

There were six in our household, including the two 
" girls '' who favored us as lady helps in the kitchen. 
Our weekly food-bill averaged $35 in the old days, 
and rather more during our vegetarian experiment, 
because of the difficulty of devising as great a variety 
of savory dishes as are possible with a very moderate 
use of flesh. 

Our first week of dime-a-day diet cost only $4.20, 
and this was how it was done. 

Patty said that four honest meals a day would be 
better than a nominal three, which generally mean 
five, three "square meals'^ and two three-cornered 
" snacks. " So we had breakfast at 8, dinner, with 
the children, at 12:30 ; tea, with the children, at 5, 
and supper, by ourselves, or with friends, a( 9 P. m. 
We still prefer this to the late dinner system for 
home life, so many of the comforts of which are 
trampled to death by town fashions. What is more — 
our visitors have come to look forward to our old- 
fashioned nine o'clock suppers, informal, simple, jolly, 
and warranted guiltless of morning headaches. 

We did not intend to do more than test the practic- 
ability of our ten cent table, so it must not be sup- 
posed that our little entertainments were limited to 
to that cost. 

Here are our menus for the week, calculated at per 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 83 

adulfc, buying the milkj vegetables, fruit and groceries 

in quantities : 

Cost per head, 
cents. 

Breakfast — Mush, Wheat, ) 

>-ana milk, . . 2 
Oatmeal, Homony, \ 

Cup of coffee and cracker 1 

Dinner — Lentil, or Pea Soup, Beef 

-T-i , , n • -YT A erood 

Jiixtract navoring, Vege- ^- . o 

table Condiments, 
(Or Macaroni and cheese, 

or beans and butter, or bacon fat). 
A few raisins, a fig or banana, 

or a nip of cheese and cracker. . . 1 

Tea — Cup of tea, coffee, / ^^„, ^ . 

^ ' y Milk and sugar . . 1 

cocoa. V 

Home-made bread, with butter or 

jam, or stewed fruit 2 

Supper — ^Bread and cheese and glass of 

beer 2 

Or mush and stewed fruit, 

Macaroni and milk, 

Cocoa, bread and butter, 

Egg, bread and butter, 

Milk pudding, 
at same cost. 

Total , . . 11 



84 DINNEROLOGY I 

The total might be increased to thirteen, fourteen, 
or even fifteen cents, without exceeding the average of 
ten cents, as the two children consumed less than the 
average two adults, and there is sure to be one, if not 
more, small eater among six. But the strong adult, 
who tries this experiment for himself, will be sur- 
prised to find how much he really gets for his money. 
Its health-value he can soon compute for himself, or 
his analytical chemist will satisfy any doubts as to its 
sufficiency and efficiency. As a isict,jive cents worth 
per day of the lentil soup or the macaroni, or the crushed 
wheat, will more than sustain the health and strength 
of the average worker. 

There is a rural postman in the north of England, 
whose duties necessitate his tramping some twelve 
miles a day or more on rough roads, in all weathers. 
He has extreme notions about dieting, as will be seen, 
but his work is duly done on a diet of which the fol- 
lowing is a specimen week. He is well-known in his 
district and distributes leaflets about his hobbj'^, one 
of which came into our hands. Neither Patty nor I, 
however, propose to adopt the system. 

Sunda}^, 8 o'clock, breakfast : Brown bread, with 
tinned tomatoes and olive oil. 1.30, dinner : Pota- 
toes, lettuce with vinegar, olive oil, eating with brown 
bread ; corn flour blancmange, with stewed black cur- 
rants and brown bread. 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 85 

Monday, 5, up. 8, breakfast : Kice pudding, stewed 
blackberries, and brown bread. 3, dinner: Potatoes, 
lettuce with olive oil, and brown bread. Corn flour 
blancmange, stewed fruit, and bread. 

Tuesday, 5, up. Breakfast, 8: Eice pudding, tea 
cake, brown bread with stewed blackberries. 3, din- 
ner : Potatoes, lettuce, olive oil, bread-pudding, and 
stewed fruit. Bed, 11. 

Wednesday, 5.30, up. 8, breakfast : Oatmeal por-^ 
ridge, tomatoes and bread. 3, dinner : Potatoes, 
tomatoes with olive oil and the squeeze of a lemon, 
along with brown bread. Bread-pudding, stewed 
gooseberries, and bread. Bed, 11. 

Thursday, 5.30, up. 8, breakfast : Kice pudding, 
tomatoes, brown bread, and tea cake. 4, dinner: 
Potatoes, beans, olive oil, and bread, barley-pudding 
and stewed blackberries. Bed, 10. 

Priday, 5.30, up. 8, breakfast : Pice pudding, 
tomatoes, tea cake, and brown bread. 4, dinner: 
Potatoes, beans, with lettuce and bread, rice-pudding, 
and stewed blackberries. Bed, 11. 

Saturday, 6.30, up. 8, breakfast : Oatmeal porridge, 
stewed blackberries, two eggs, with brown bread. 
3, dinner : Potatoes, green peas with oil and bread, 
rice-pudding, and stewed fruit. Bed, 11. 

Sunday, 6.30, up. 8, breakfast : Kice pudding, 



86 DINNEROLOGY : 

tomatoes^ and bread. 2, dinner : Potatoes, peas, 
savory pudding, parsley sauce, and bread. 

Patty says that though the good man's name is 
Wright his anti-butter prejudice is wrong, as there is 
no healthier food of its kind. This was an August diet- 
ary and the man never drinks anything, not even 
water ! 

Having satisfied both our appetites and our reason- 
ing faculties that our dime-a-day diet was perfectly 
feasible and healthful, we extended our menu, but only 
for pleasure, not because it was necessary. We found 
that we could enjoy really excellent meals at a won- 
derfully small cost in proportion as we made the 
shnples our foods and the et ceteras our luxuries. 

Por breakfast we would ring the changes on mushes 
and porridges, with milk, tea, coffee, or (preferably for 
health) cocoa, bread or plain cake and butter, a little 
toasted bacon, followed by a little dry or fresh fruit 
and keep it easily within the ten cent limit for each 
person. 

Our dinners included a substantial soup, fish, a little 
meat or game, more for flavor than anything, a light 
pudding, (the apple charlotte sort is perhaps the nicest 
and safest variety) with cheese and fruit, with a glass 
of beer, milk or water, and twenty-five cents generally 
covered each dinner's cost. 

A five o'clock tea, with a rather substantial fortifi- 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 87 

cation of breads, plain cakes, jams, sardines or potted 
game, toast, etc., rarely exceeded ten or twelve cents 
per head, and often came nearer six. 

Our suppers were a favorite repast, and we had 
proved that our temperate and simple mode of living 
ensured us a good appetite for our late meal without 
the least risk of indigestion. In fact we found it much 
better to sup at nine and taste nothing afterwards, than 
to dine at seven and have to disturb the stomach when 
it ought to be put to bed for the night with no new 
loads on its mind. We would have, according to the 
season and our day's exercise, sometimes a soup, some- 
times a dainty rissole, or sausages, or fish, with a baked 
potato for our first course. Or perhaps a beef-extract 
sandwich, (a remarkably tasty snack) or sandwiches 
of potted hare, turkey or other potted meat ; a simple 
pudding or blancmange, with stewed fruit or jam ; 
aUvays finishing with a piece of our very best cheese, 
eaten with deliciously crisp pulled bread, and celery 
or lettuce when in season. A glass of good beer, or 
perhaps a jorum of mild toddy later on, would round 
off a healthful day at an average cost of about fifteen 
cents at the outside, always remembering the saving 
clause already considered. 

Keckoning the cost per head as here estimated^ 
breakfast 10 cents, dinner 25, tea 10, and supper 15, 
we get a total of 60 cents per head per day. But 



88 DTNNEROLOGY 

this will reduce itself to an average of 50 cents in 
actual experience. Every cent over and above this 
may safely be set down to ttnnecessary expenditure, 
for any sort of person in any sort of circumstances. 
How far the excess would be extravagance each must 
of course determine for himself. This liberal allow- 
ance, it will be seen, includes beer, up to four glasses 
a day if required. A housewife as sensible as Patty 
can accomplish many wonderful things in the culi- 
nary way, besides those indicated, and still keep well 
within the margin. Our average weekly expenditure 
was thus $21, a saving of $14, on our former average 
weekly outlay. If our wives, whether heiresses, 
millionairesses, or dollarless darlings, would take 
more personal interest in their kitchens and more 
pride in their practical skill in home management, 
the husbands would realize new charms in their home- 
kingdom, and have more treasure with wliicli to crown 
their queens. 

We had the felicity of seeing our friends around 
our modest board, always enthusiastic over the artis- 
tic satisfactions which Patty never failed to add to 
the substantial merits of our viands. But there was 
nothing wonderful in that, after all ; for we had some 
friends in another part of the country who for thirty 
years had never partaken of more than two meals a 
day, and strictly vegetarian and teetotal meals at 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 89 

that. We had read of others, well-known persons in 
their spheres, who in their seventies and eiglitics 
were hale and hearty after half a century or more of 
anti-flesh diet. Still, we had no notion of developing 
into cranks even of the purely angelic order. 
. On Christmas Day we gave a swell dinner. It 
came ahout this way. I had been gently chaffed by 
a few old friends and neighbors on my enthusiasm 
over the dime-diet. The good rector (of whom I 
shall have something more to tell by-and-bye) pre- 
tended to doubt my assurance that this dime-diet 
would bring about the physical and social millennium 
sooner than pulpit soft-soap and thunder-bombs are 
likely to effect a moral millennium. My lawyer- 
friend insisted that a dime-diet would be a revolu- 
tionary defiance of the laws of Nature, and a mortal 
peril to the constitution. Our wicked editor coolly 
predicted that a poor dime-diet for men would soon 
turn us into a dime ricli diet for worms. My wealthy 
neighbor who runs the lumber-mill, agreed that my 
dime-diet would just be about enough for his 
"hands," but what was to be done with their 
stomachs ? I asked him whether it could be possible 
that so famous an economist had not yet perceived 
how to utilize his sawdust, and I shall never forget 
the new joy that beamed in his face as the possibili- 
ties of future triumphs dawned on his piece of mind. 



90 DINNEROLOGY : 

All this mighty good-humored interest in our 
philanthro2;)ic experiment primed me — and so it did 
Patty when I told her — with a determination to get 
even with them. We talked it over together and 
decided to ask them to dine with us on Christmas 
Day. I told my friends that we should not hurt 
their feelings by giving them a dime dinner, so that 
they need not trouble to elongate their lunch, but it 
should be a fairly economical dinner, expressly to 
convince them that it is possible to dine well and be 
well upon simple fare within the reach of the poor. 

Dinner-time came and with it the expectant diners. 
We limited our party to six. Patt}^ had the table set 
out as if for six emperors. Our choicest silver, our 
presentation centre-piece, our exquisite dessert knives, 
gold-plated blades, with malachite handles, our costli- 
est glass, old and new, our rare antique dessert china, 
the fairest flowers (out of our own conservatory) dis- 
played with grace, not heaped upon everything in 
vulgar advertisement of cost, our fine Queen Anne 
candelabra, with old-fashioned plain lights ; in fact, 
the table was itself a banquet to the cultured eye. 
The ^^ favor," or souvenir, each guest was presented 
with was the menu, unique in having the bill of cost 
included in the bill of fare. This is it. Patty de- 
signed and wrote them all. 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 91 

CHRISTMAS DAY. 

So now is come our joyfuUcst Feast 

Let every Man be jolly ! 
Let rich Men give the Poor good Gifts ^ 

And deck their Llomes zuith Holly ; 
And feed their Families with Good Cheer, 
And make them merry with good Old Beer, 
For Christmas comes hit once a Year, 
Then let Us all be jolly ! 

Cost. 

$ c. 
I. 

Oysters (four each) : ..... . .25 

11. 

Lentil Soup : * . '06 

III. 

Cod, boiled; oyster sauce : ... .20 

IV. 

Old English Frumenty : .10 

V. 

Grapes: 10 

YI. 

Beer (20 glasses) ; .20 

YII 

Cigarettes (1-2 oz. tobacco makes 9) : . .07 

Potatoes, Bread, Cheese, Condiments : . . .22 



Total cost for six . . . . • $1.20 

To a contented mind, 

Tin ceuf is as good as a feast. 



92 DINNEROLOGY : 

Our guests waxed eloquent over Patty's achieve- 
ment. Her Twenty-cent dinner completely satisfied 
the expectations of the inner man, and surpassed 
those of the doubters. They expatiated sympathetic- 
ally upon the really simple needs of the human 
animal, rightlj^ considered, though none would have 
believed that their double-dime dinner could be so 
substantial, enjoyable, and superabundant, for all 
was not consumed. While we were arguing the 
momentous cigarette question (of wliich more anon), 
Patty came in, by a little preconcerted arrangement 
of ours, and asked if our guests would either excuse 
her absence for half-an-hour, or would they care to 
accompany her to a little supper we were giving to a 
few children in a house near by. 

They were delighted at the idea of assisting at a 
gathering of the old-time sort, so we started. 

We had hired a sort of hall, with a cottage at- 
tached. Going first into the little parlor, we were 
greeted hy a dozen beaming-faced old folk, all over 
60, husbands, wives, widows and widowers, who were 
just passing the tobacco, and cigars, and snuff, and 
old Irish whiskey around, to end a homely meal of 
beef, potatoes, plum-pudding and ale by a cofy gossip 
over good old times. These were Patty's old crony 
neighbors, and right merry was the cheer of welcome 
they gave her. We wished them a good old-fashioned 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 93 

Merry Christmas, and passed into another little room, 
where a few tramps were feeling at peace with them- 
selves and respectable mankind for the moment. Up- 
stairs in the big room we found more than a hundred 
girls and boys, youths and maidens, sitting at long 
tables as happy as kings and queens used to be before 
trouble was invented. They wanted to keep cheering 
till "daylight did appear,'^ but at last I managed to 
howl the news that the guests from downstairs would 
be coming up soon, and then the stereopticon show 
would begin. We stayed until our clever young 
friend began his performance, which to our surprise, 
opened with his request for three more cheers for — 
Patty. Then he requested she would say just a few 
words to the audience, as they had particularly asked 
him to express their wish. At last I induced her to 
comply. She said very little, but it seemed to im- 
press her hearers peculiarly, especially our friends 
who had honored us with their company at home. 
Patty made a few genial remarks about the season 
and so on, and ended somewhat like this : 

" You are all far too generous m thanking us for 
the little good-fellowship we are showing to each other 
this hospitable Christmas time. I assure you I should 
be ashamed to accept thanks for anything that does 
not involve some self-sacrifice, and so far from this 
modest entertainment causing that, I want you all to 



94 OUR EXPEllIMENTS IN DIET. 

know that ^/;e are the real gainers. When we used 
to live in the conventional way, what with its cost 
and the cost of ailments from careless dieting, we could 
never afford to give ourselves the real pleasure this 
scene yields. But when we learnt how to live in the 
common-sense way, we recovered our health, and we are 
able to afford this pleasant intercourse with you, my 
friends, out of what we have saved. So good-night 
and a merry Christmas to j^ou all." 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 95 

CHAPTER VI. 

WE TALK ABOUT OLD TIME COOKERY. 

How We Converted Our Missionaries. — The Bread of Patri- 
arch Abraham. — The Calces of King Alfred. — The Plain 
Fare of the Pilgrim Fathers. — The Feasts of our British 
Ancestors. — Specimen Recipes from a Cook book of 1743. 

OuK little dinners soon became famous. We were 
honored by the visits of more friends then we had fan- 
cied we possessed, whose invitations to Patty to invite 
them to our economical board were about as embar- 
rassing to her, poor dear, as the polite patronage of 
hungry Washingtonians sometimes is to the Chinese 
Embassy on a banquet night. We felt flattered, of 
course, but the enlightenment of the populace was 
not my benevolent ambition. At least, not yet. I 
flew at much higher game. I would preach to the 
preachers ; I would convert the apostles. Let me get 
hold of the heads of the people, — I mean those who 
do their thinking — and tag-rag and bobtail will chime 
in all right in the long run. Of course I was not 
audibly disrespectful to my many-headed Master. I 
cherish the most wholesome regard for his welfare and 
powers, spiritual and stomachic. Still the Bobadil 
tactics have always seemed to me the perfection of 
warfare — if you only get them to work right. This is 
why we kept oj^en house and a tempting table for our 
worthy neighbors Dr. Goodbody the rector, Doctor 



96 DINNEROLOGY : 

Drencham the leech, Mr. Quillcraft the editor, and 
Brother Hipkins the excellent Deacon who owns the 
big factory. Said I to Patty, many a time, '^ My 
dear, if I can but just screw a bit of diet-sense into 
the craniums of these omnipotent citizens, why, we 
shall have rescued the whole population from the error 
of their table ways ! " And Patty never failed me 
in her " Amen ! " A trifle extended as to feminine 
phraseology, but that's just what she meant, had the 
sex been blessed with brevity. 

We were all circled round our open fire grate, the 
rector and his wife, the doctor, the editor and his 
literary spinster sister, and Tatty and I, after one of 

my wife's most triumphant me?iu " recitals " (that is 

* 

high art, I believe, for a demonstration in any virtu- 
osity), enjoying a delicious cup which I had specially 
prepared for our visitors. Patty had been diligently 
rummaging among my old-time cook books to find the 
famous recipe for the Pope's Sack Posset. This I 
had solemnly resurrectionized, and presented to our 
distinguished circle with all the honors. 

To break the hallowed silence that crowned our 
first memorable sip seemed sacrilege. We were 
mute with exquisite bliss. At length the good 
rector returned thanks. " Friends all," quoth he 
radiantly, "I call you to bear testimony to the 
profundity of my Protestantism, but I freely declare 
to you that I never felt so serene a tolerance for 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 97 

Papal pretensions as I do at this moment. So this 
is the Pope's Posset ! is it ? " And he sank back into 
the embrace of his cosy chair with an " A.-a-ah ! " 
of unspeakable gratification. 

" George, dear," and Patty's melodious voice broke 
the stillness as village chimes sing their sweetness 
through the summer Sabbath air, "don't you think 
you might take this food question for the subject of 
the lecture they want you to give at the Institute ? 
You could call it — well, for instance — ^ How to Furnish 
a Dainty Table without Going to Extravagant Ex- 
tremes, which Frequently Bring On All Sorts of Aw- 
fully Annoying Attacks of Dj'spepsia and are Far Too 
Expensive for the Generality of Housewives who Find 
it Almost More than They Can Do to keep Them- 
selves and Their Children Dressed in Anything near 
the Prevailing Fashion,' that's rather a long title but 
you know what I mean." 

" You've fixed it ! " said the emphatic Deacon ; 
"the precise prescription," said the Doctor. "And 
may you have the Pope's blessing " spake the editor as 
he sipped a sip to the Pontiff's memory. " And I will 
preach a special sermon the Sunday before to put 
our people in the proper frame of mind, " cliaritably 
chimed in the Rector. 

" Well since you are all so one-minded upon vay 
good wife's suggestion, I don't see how I could refuse, 

7 



98 DINNEROLOGY : 

if I wished to, which I don't. With your help, my 
dear Patty, I guess we maj'- shorten that title with a 
day or two's labor — " 

" Why, of course we can, George, if you won't 
waste so many words over magnifying my short- 
comings ; suppose we call it " Food," for short, and 
divide it into heads, like the revival preachers do, F, 
fools ; 0, over-eat ; 0, originate ; D, dyspepsia, and 
so on — " 

This unsuspected flash of genius ended our solemnity 
and I dodged the smart blow behind the sheltering 
laugh. I was nothing loth to hop on the lecture- 
perch single-handed if need be, but the prospect of a 
duly prepared audience and the certainty of the able 
assistance of Patty— perhaps as "^ demon stratress " 
with real '^properties," mad me eager for the fray. 
I scarcely needed the spur that editor Quillcraft 
furnished when he inquired, (professionally, no doubt,) 
how I proposed to trea the subject. 

" How will I treat it ? Why, sir, I shall begin at 
the beginning, proceed along the line of history and 
bring you right down, or, rather, up to the standard 
you have helped to raise here to night. I'll " 

" And you'll tell them all about our experiments in 
Ancient Cookery too, won't you ? '^ 

" Of course I will, my dear. There is no branch of 
our scientific investigation that does greater credit to 
my wife, gentlemen, than her masterly illustrations 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 99 

of the strength and weakness, if I may say so, of our 
ancestors' wa}^ of living. She has devoted half her 
energies and nine-tenths of my share of her leisure 
to unearthing and reproducing the cookery recipes 
of the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries." 

" We picked up several rare old cook-books when 
we were in London last year, and they have been 
such fun ! '^ 

"Tell us something about the old folks. I'll be 
bound they knew what was good for them," said Dr. 
Drencham. 

"Oh, yes, they got along finely with their three 
favorite aoctors, Dr. Diet, Dr. Quiet, and Dr. Merri- 
man," responded the rector, beamingly. 

I saw that there was a risk of our talk dwindling 
into mere frivolity, so I set about sobering it as be- 
fitted my weighty theme, and thinking I should 
profit by a full-dress rehearsal, I started in with a 
rough and ready outline of my lecture-to-be. They 
stood it like lambs, thanks to the antique Pope and 
his Posset. 

I threw a sphinx-like, penetrating gaze clean 
through the solid wall before me and bade them stare 
with me through the mystical chink, back, back to the 
tent of old Abraham on the plains of Mamre. See 
there how simplicity ruled the fare and ensured the 
welfare of that remarkable early people. Listen to 
the grand old man giving an immortal recipe for the 



100 DINNEROLOGY .* 

making of bread, the purest ever eaten from then to 
now. " Make ready/^ said he to Sarah, " quickly 
three measures of fine meal, knead it, and make 
cakes — upon the hearth." True, a disli of tender 
veal adorned the frugal board, but the cakes were the 
staff of life then as now. The Oriental housewife 
makes her bread to-day in exactly the same way. 
Turn your gaze to our own land, and " Lo, the poor 
Indian," down to 1762 at any rate, follows suit. The 
Cherokee squaw made her fire on the hearthstone, 
then she swept the embers off and laid her cake on 
the hot stone, covering it with a dish, on the top of 
which she lays another fire. 

The ancient Greeks and E-omans loved simple fare 
and flourished on it, until luxury wrought their ruin. 
The Britons of old grew strong upon frumentum, 
still a popular dish in the northern shires, known as 
^'furmity'' and "frumenty." Good King Alfred 
showed sound plebeian common sense in baking the 
old dame's cakes, and characteristic monarchical stu- 
pidity when he let them burn. Tlie makers of sturdy 
England had strong stomachs, as we shall see, but 
their climate deteriorated their simple appetites. 
Their fighting propensities called for beef and beer, 
tough sirloins and strong ale. And how they gorged 
themselves in those good old times ! 

The goodman breakfasted on ale and cakes, dined 
on flesh with cakes and ale, and supped till well 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 101 

drunken on more ale and cakes, or the wits-twisting 
metheglin or mead. The goodwife and her childer- 
kin revelled in porridges and pottages, with hasty pud- 
den and sour cider, apples, and nuts by way of daint- 
ies, and acorns and wild berries were to them what 
potatoes and grapes are to us. 

And those mighty feasts at Christmastide ! Come 
with me to Squire Bumpleby's Christmas dinner in 
Misletoe Hall, period 16-something. Here's the 
prime boar's head, borne shoulder-high in all its 
glory. After it comes the lordly peacock, his inside 
has been taken out, dressed, stuffed, roasted, and 
slipped back into its feathers again, a standing deli- 
cacy at the great man's board. Next we must taste 
the plum pudding, which really was plum broth, a 
thickened gravy of mutton or beef, soused in which 
were raisins, dates, currants, wine, cloves, plums, 
verjuice, ambergris, saffron, spices, eggs, with other 
fragrant mysteries. Next we shall do well to sup a 
bowl of the primitive frumenty, broken grains of 
wheat, boiled plain, or with eggs, milk and flavoring 
added. A few oysters will now mend our blunted 
appetites, that we may the better enjoy the huge sir- 
loin that has been roasted with a basting of claret, 
and its following of mince pyes. These will make us 
yearn for the next course of a made dish of sweet- 
breads, made of chickens, marrow, oranges, artichokes, 
asparagus, mush, potatoes, cheese, cinnamon, nuts 



102 BINNEROLOGY : 

and a supplement of all sorts. Perhaps we shall find 
it unnecessary to taste each of the remaining dishes, 
a roast swan, a kid with a pudding in its hellj^, a 
venison pasty, geese, cajDons, pies, and turkeys, but 
we may be tempted by the next entree of lemons and 
oranges to begin again on the last course. This in- 
cludes a lamb, four rabbits, a pig soused (in spiced 
wine), with tongues, ducks, pheasants, partridges, 
swan pie, bologna sausages, mushrooms, jiickled 
oysters, caviare, teal, a gammon of Westphalian ham, 
a quince pie, woodcocks, a standing tart in puff 
paste, preserved fruit, larks, neats' tongues, sturgeon, 
salted geese, and jellies. We should call this a square 
meal, but in those days it used to make our fathers 
round. Those were great times, and they produced 
great men, some of the best of them set sail for Ply- 
mouth Pock to produce you and me, my friends. I 
am not enough of a philologist to fix the j)recise con- 
nection between Ply-mouth and Pil-gritn, but I guess 
the Doctor here has profitably traced it. 

Our ancestors certainly had the stomachs of horses, 
and by overloading them they proved they had only 
the brains of asses. And as they over-fed, they under- 
mined their national greatness. The Poundheads 
turned into Poundribs and the Puritans into ghastly 
ascetics, except the wise few who came over here 
and set Gothamite gourmands the noble example of 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 103 

the 96 pound down-east Yankee, as thin and bright and 
keen as a Damascus blade. 

And look at China ! How can they hope to rise 
from the laundry to the laboratory, from soapsuds to 
scientific discovery while they eat what they do ? 
N"ote their most elegant banquets. Birds' nests with 
bamboo sprouts ; hog's liver fried in castor oil ; puppy 
pie ; shark's fin liash ; stale eggs, three months 
" high," ham of sucking-pig; crab cooked in castor 
oil; horny nuts, mysterious sweets, and sugarless 
tea. 

No, my friends, human nature has its limits, as the 
cannibal found out when he tackled the missionary's 
favorite hard corn. Even our home-grown, American 
human nature, tough as it is, has to pay a sorry obei- 
sance sooner or later to the evil genius of the dinner 
table. We have got the teaching of history behind 
us, we have got its object lessons right before our 
eyes, and if we don't learn them with our heads we 
shall find the practical moral asserting itself in our 
department of internal economy. 

Patty dear, suppose you hand me your cookery 
scrap-book, and I'll just wind up right here by read- 
ing some of the dishes you have been experimenting 
on lately. 

It would take me too long to tell how we succeeded 
and where we failed with these resurrected recipes, so 



104 DINNEROLOGY : 

I'll simply spread them on the record, and yon can 
cook them for yourselves if they tickle your fancy. 

To start with, here are four specimen dinners se- 
lected from a monthly bill of fare for the j^ear 1746 : 

A BILL OF FARE FOR EVERY SEASOJi OF THP 
YEAR. 



JANUARY TO MARCH. 



FIRST COURSE. 



Collar of Brawn. Hen Turkeys with Eggs. 

Bisque of Fish. Lamb Pasty. 

Soo}:) with Vermicelly. Oyster Pye. 

Orange Pudding with Patties. Pupton of Veal. 

Kettle Drums. Grand Sallad with Pickles. 

SECOND COURSE. 

Wild-Fowl of all Sorts. Jole of Sturgeon. 

Tench with stewed pitchcock'' d Oyster Loaves. 

Eels. Turkeys'' Livers forced. 

Fruit of all Sorts. Dish of TartSy Custards and 

Tansy and Fritters. Cheesecakes. 



APRIL TO JUNE. 

FIRST COURSE. 

Soop a la Sante. Green Puery Soop. 

Dish of Fish of all Sorts. Fried Lamb-stones. 

Lumber Pye. Roasted Fowls a-la-daube. 

Pole of Ling . Ragoo of Veal. 

Dish of roasted Tongues , Roasted 11am and Peever^ 
and Udders. 



our. EXPERIMENTS IX DIET. 



105 



SECOND COURSE. 

Green Geese and Ducklings. Lobsters Sereene. 
Dish of Notts, Ruffs Tongue Pye. 

and Quails. 
Cocks-combs and Stones com- Rock of Snow and Syllabubs. 

porte. 
Crocande of Pippins. Buttered Apple Pye. 



JULY TO SEPTEMBER. 

FIRST COURSE. 

Cock Salmon with buttered Stewed Carps. 



Lobsters. 

Dish of Scotch Qollops. 

Venison Pasty. 

JJmble Pyes. 

Grand Sallad. 
Patty Royal. 



Neck of Mutton boned and 
roasted, with a Ragoo of 
Cucumbers. 

Dish of Tarts of Sorts. 

Dish of Jellies. 



SECOND COURSE. 



A Hare larded. 
Dish of Lobsters and Prawns. 
Pistachio Pudding. 
Cocks-combs a-la-Creme. 



Dish of Fryed Soles and Eels. 
Morello Cherry Tarts. 
Strawberries or Raspberries. 
Fried Artichokes. 



OCTOBER TO DECEMBER. 

FIRST COURSE. 



Soop of Beef Bollin. 
Cods-head IV ith Shrimps 

and Oysters. 
Haunch of Doe with Udder 

a-la-Force. 
Minced Pyes. 



Grand Patty. 
Teals and Larks. 
Harrico of Mutton. 
Scalloped Oysters. 
Salmigondin. 
Quince Pye. 



106 . DINNEROLOGY 



SECOND COURSE. 



Turkeys roasted. Pickles of Sorts 

Chine of Salmon broiled. Buttered Crabs. 

Tansy and Black-caps. Potted Wheat-ears. 

Florendines. Crocande of Sweetnoeats. 



The following receipts are taken from the same 
eighteenth century cook-bonk. 

A LUMBEE, OK UMBLE PYE. 

Take a pound and a half of fillet of veal and mince it with 
the same quantity of beef-suet; season it with sweet spice, 
five pippins, and handful of spinage, and a hard lettuce, thyme 
and parsley; mix it with a penny grated white loaf, the 
yolks of eggs, sack and orange-flower water, a pound and a 
half of currants, two or three Spanish potatoes, boiled, 
blanched, and sliced; or an artichoke bottom or two, with 
prunellos, damsons and gooseberries ; then close the pye; when 
'tis bak'd make a caudle for it. 

We had prolonged and excited debates upon the 
question — is an Umble Pj^e a Sweet P^^e or a 
Savory Pye ? Patty insisted tliat it as surely be- 
longed to the former category as a Mince Pie does, 
which also secretes meat. I gracefully capitulated, 
with the peace-renewing remark " Sweets to the 
Sw^eet ! " And then we unanimously agreed that 
this should be the proud caudle to grace our Umble 
Pye. 

A CAUDLE FOR SWEET PYES. 

Take sack and white-wine alike in quantity, a little ver- 
juice and sugar, boil it, and brew it with two or three eggs, 
as buttered ale; when the ])yes are baked, pour it in at the 
funnel and shake it together. 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 107 

OYSTER LOAVES. 

Take a quart of middling oysters and wash them in their 
own hquor; then strain them through a flannel, put them on 
the fire to warm ; then take three-quarters of a pint of gravy 
and put to the oysters, witli a blade of mace, a little white 
pepper, horse-radish and a piece of lean bacon and half a 
lemon, then stew them leisurely; take three penny loaves 
and pick out the crumb clean ; then take a pound of butter, 
and set on the fire in a saucepan that will hold the loaves, 
and when it is melted, take itoff the fire and let it settle, then 
pour off the clear, and set it on the fire again with the loaves 
in it and turn them about till you find them crisp; then put 
a pound of butter in a frying-pan and with a dredging box 
dust in flower (!) till you find it of a reasonable thickness, 
then mix that and the oysters together, and when stewed 
enough take out the bacon and put the oysters into the 
loaves; then put them into a dish and garnish the loaves with 
the oysters you cannot get in, and with slices of lemon, and 
when you have thickened the liquor squeeze in lemon to your 
taste, or you may fry the oysters with batter to garnish the 
loaves. 

A RAGOO OF OYSTERS. 

Put into your stewpan a quarter of a pound of butter, let 
it boil; then take a quart of oysters, strain them from their 
liquor and put them to the butter ; let them stew with a bit 
of eschalot slired very fine, and some grated nutmeg and a 
little salt; then beat the yolks of three of four eggs with the 
oyster liquor and half a pound of butter and shake all very 
well together till it is thick, and serve it up with sippets, gar- 
nished with sliced '' 

A Tansy. 

Boil a quart of cream or milk with a stick of cinnamon, 
nutmeg, and large mace; when half-cold mix it with twenty 
yolks of eggs and ten whites; strain it, then put to it four 
grated biskets, half a pound of butter, a pint of spinage- 



108 DINNEROLOGY : 

juice, and a little tansy, sack, orange-flower water, sugar and 
salt; then gather it to a body over the fire and pour it into 
your dish, being well buttered; when it is baked, turn it on 
a pie-plate, squeeze on it an orange, grate on sugar and 
garnish it with slic'd orange and a little tansy; made in a 
dish, cut as you please. 

Aisr Amulet ( !) of Eggs the Savouky Way. 

Take a dozen of eggs, beat them very well, and season them 
with salt and a little pepper, then have your frying-pan ready 
with a good deal of fresh butter in it, and let it be thoroughly 
hot; then put in your eggs, with four spoonfuls of strong 
gravy and have ready parsley and a few chieves cut, and 
throw them over it and when it is enough turn it; and when 
done, dish it and squeeze an orange or lemon over it. 

To Make a Chesnut Pudding. 

Take a dozen and a half of chesnuts, put them in a skillet 
of water and set them on the fire till they will blanch, then 
blanch them and when cold put them in cold water; then 
stamp them in a mortar with orange-flower water and sack 
till they are very small; mix in two quarts of cream and 
eighteen yolks of eggs the whites of three or four; beat the 
eggs with sack, rose-water and sugar; put in a dish with 
puff -paste; stick in some lumps of marrow or fresh butter; 
bake it. 

To Make a Spread-Eagle Pudding. 

Cut off the crust of three half-penny rolls, then slice them 
into your pan, then set three pints of milk over the fire, make 
it scalding hot, but not boil, so put it over your bread and 
cover it close, and let it stand an hour; then put in a good 
spoonful of sugar and a very little salt, a nutmeg grated, a 
pound of suet after it is shred, half a pound of currants 
wash'd and pick'd, four spoonfuls of cold milk, ten yolks of 
eggs, five of the whites; and when all is in stir it, but not till 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 109 

all is in; then mix it well, butter a dish; less than an hour 
will bake it 

To Collar Eels. 

Split them down the belly and take the bones out clean, 
make a seasoning with spice powder'd and herbs chopt fine; 
strew it in and roll them up, and sew a cloth over each eel, so 
boil them in a pickle, half white-wine and half vinegar with 
a few-blades of mace, some slic'd ginger, whole pepper and a 
bay leaf, with a piece of lemon and some salt; when they 
are boiled enough, lay them out and keep them in it; the 
cloths must be taken off when the eels are cold. 

To Pot a Svtan. 

Bone and skin your swan, and beat the flesh in a mortar, 
taking out the strings as you beat it ; then take some clear 
fat bacon and beat with the swan, and when it is of a light 
flesh-colour there is bacon enough in it, and when it is beaten 
till it is like dough it is enough; then season it with pepper, 
salt, cloves, mace and nutmeg, all beaten fine; mix it well 
with your flesh and give it a beat or two all together; then, 
put it in an earthen pot, with a little claret and fair water, and 
at the top two pounds of fresh butter spread over it; cover ib 
with coarse paste and bake it with bread; then tiu-n it out 
into a dish; squeeze it gently to get out the moisture, then 
put it into a pot fit for it, when cold cover it with clarified 
butter; and next day paper it up. In this manner you may 
do goose, duck, or beef, or hare's flesh. 

To Make a Pulpatoon (Pupton) of Pigeons. 

Take mushrooms, palates, oysters, sweetbreads, and fry 
them in butter; then put all these into a strong gravy; give 
them a heat over the fire, tUpn thicken up with an egg and 
a bit of butter; then half roast six or eight pigeons and lay 
them in a crust of forc'd meat, as follows: scrape a pound of 
veal and two pounds of marrow and beat it together in a 



110 DINNEROLOGY ; 

mortar, after it is shred very fine then season it with salt, 
pepper, spice, and put in hard eggs, anchovies and oysters; 
beat all together and make the lid and sides of your pye oi' 
it; first lay a thin crust in your pattipan, then jDut in your 
forc'd meat, then lay an exceeding thin crust over them, then 
put in your pigeons and other ingredients, with a little 
butter on the top; bake it two hours. 

A Batalia, or Bride-Pye. 

Take young chickens as big as blackbirds, quails, young 
partridges and larks, and squab-pigeons, truss them and put 
tliem in your pye; then have ox palates boiled, blanched and 
cut in pieces, sweet-breads, cocks-combs blanched, a quart of 
oysters dipt in eggs, and dredged over with grated bread and 
marrow; having so done sheeps' tongues boiled, peeled, and 
cut in slices, season all with salt, pepper, cloves, mace and 
nutmegs, beaten and mixed together; put butter at the 
bottom of the pye, and place the rest in with the yolks of 
hard eggs, forced-meat balls, cover all with butter and cover 
up the pye; put in five or six spoonfuls of water when it 
goes into the oven and when it is drawn pour it out and put 
in gravy. 

To Make the Light Wigs. 

Take a pound and a half of flour, and half a pound of 
milk made warm, mix these together, and cover it up; let it 
lie by the fire half an hour; then take half a pound of sugar 
and half a pound of butter, work these in the paste and 
make it into wigs, with as little flour as possible; let the oven 
be pretty quick and they will rise very much. 

A Fine Potatoe-Pye for Lent. 

First make your forced-meat, about two dozen of small 
oysters just scalded, and when cold chopt small; a stale I'owl 
grated, and six yolks of eggs boiled hard, and bruised small 
with the back of a spoon; season with a little salt, pepper, 
nutmeg, thyme and parsley, shred small. Mix these well to- 



Ol/B iiJXFilKlMENTS IN DIET. Ill 

gether, and pound tliem a little, and makeup iu a stiff paste, 
with half a pound of butter and an egg worked in it, just 
flour it to keep it from sticking, and lay it by till your pye is 
fit, and put a very thin paste in your dish, bottom and sides; 
then put your forced meat, of an equal thickness, about two 
fingers broad, about the sides of your dish, as you would do 
a pudding-crust, dust a little flour on it and put it down close; 
then fill your pye, a dozen of potatoes, about the bigness of 
a small egg, finely pared, just boiled a walm or two, a dozen 
yolks of eggs boiled hard, a quarter of a hundred of large 
oysters just scalded in their own liquor and cold, six morels, 
four or five blades of mace, some whole pepper, and a little 
salt butter on the bottom and top; then lid your pye, and 
bake it an hour; when it is drawn, pour in a caudle made 
with half a pint of your oyster liquor, three or four spoonfuls 
of white wine, and thickened up with butter and eggs, pour it 
in hot at the hole in the top, and shake it together, and 
serve it 

To Season and Bake a Venison Pasty. 

Bone your haunch or side of venison, and take out all the 
sinews and skin ; then proportion it for your pasty, by tak- 
ing away from one part and adding to another, till it is of an 
equal thickness; then season it with pepper and salt, about 
an ounce of pepper; save a little of it whole and beat the 
rest, and mix with twice as much salt, and rub it all over 
your venison, and let it lie till your paste is ready. Make 
your paste thus: A peck of fine flour, six pounds of butter, a 
dozen eggs; rub your butter in your flour, beat your eggs, 
and with them and cold water make up your paste pretty 
stiff, then drive it forth for your pasty; let it be the thick- 
ness of a man's thumb; put under it two or three sheets of 
cap-paper well floured ; then have two pounds of beef-suet, 
shred exceeding fine; proportion it on the bottom to the 
breadth of your venison, and leave a verge round your 
venison three fingers broad, wash that verge over with a 
bunch of- feathers or brush dipped in egg beaten, and then 



112 DINNEROLOGY : 

lay a border of your paste on the place you washed, and lay 
your venison on the suet; put a little of your seasoning on 
the top and a few corns of whole pepper, and two pounds of 
very good fresh butter, then turn over your other sheet of 
paste, so close your Pasty. Garnish it on the top as you think 
fit, vent it in the middle, and set it in the oven. It will ask 
five or six hours baking. Then break all the bones, wash 
them, and add to them more bones or knuckles, season them 
with pepper and salt, and put them, with a quart of water 
and half a pound of butter, in a pan or earthen pot, cover it 
over with coarse paste, and set it in with your Pasty; and 
when your Pasty is drawn and dished, fill it up with the 
gravy that came from tlie bones. 

To Make March pane. 

Take a pound of Jordan almonds, blanch and beat them 
in a marble mortar very fine ; then put to them three 
quarters of a pound of double refined sugar and beat them 
with a few drops of orange-flower water; beat all together 
till it is a very good paste, then roll it into what shape you 
please. Dust a little fine sugar under it as you roll to keep it 
from sticking. To ice it, scarce the sugar fine as flour, wet 
it with rose-water, mix it well together, and with a brush or 
bunch of feathers spread it over your March-pane; bake 
them in an oven that is not too hot; put wafer-paper at the 
bottom and white paper under that, so keep them for use. 

To Make Quince Cream. 

Take quinces, scald them till they are soft, pare them, and 
mash the clear part of them, and pulp it through a sieve; 
take an equal weight of quince and double-refined sugar 
beaten and sifted, and the whites of eggs, and beat it till it 
is as white as snow, then put it in dishes. 

To Make a Jelly Posset. 

Take twenty eggs, leave out half the whites, and beat them 
very well, put them into the bason you serve it in, with near 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DEET. 113 

a pint of sack, and a little strong ale; sweeten it to your taste, 
and set it over a cliarcoal fiie, keep stirring it all the while; 
tlien have in readiness a quart of milk or cream boiled with a 
little cinnamon and nutmeg, and when your sack and eggs 
are hot enough to scald your lips, put the milk to it boiling 
hot; then take it off the fire and cover it up half an hour; 
strew sugar on the brim of the dish, and serve it to the table. 

To Make Tea Caudle. 

Make a quart of strong green tea, and pour it out into a 
skillet, and set it over the fire; then beat the yolks of four 
eggs, and mix with them a pint of white wine, a grated nut- 
meg, sugar to your taste and put all together; stir it over the 
fire till it is very hot, then drink it in china dishes as caudle. 

To Make the Everlasting Syllabubs. 

Take a quart and a half a pint of cream, a pint of rhenish, 
half a pint of sack, three lemons, near a pound of double- 
refined sugar; beat and sift the sugar and put it to your 
cream ; grate off the yellow rind of your three lemons, and put 
that in; squeeze the juice of the three lemons into your wine, 
and put that to your cream ; then beat all together with a 
whisk just half an hour, then take it up all together with a 
spoon and fill your glasses; it will keep good nine or ten days, 
and is best three or four days old; these are called the ever- 
lasting syllabubs. 

To Make Cock-Ale. 

Take ten gallons of ale and a large cock, the older the 
better; parboil the cock, flay him, and stamp him in a mortar 
till his bones are broken (you must craw and gut him when 
you flay him), then put the cock into two quarts of sack, 
and put to it three pounds of raisins of the sun stoned, 
some blades of mace, and a few cloves; put all these into a 
canvas bag, and a little before you find the ale has done 
working, put the ale and the bag together into a vessel; in a 



114 dinnerology: 

week or nine days time bottle it up, fill the bottle but just 
above the neck, and give it the same time to ripen as other 
ale. 

To Make Saragosa Wine or English Sack. 

To every quart of water put a sprig of rue, and to every 
gallon a liandful of fennel roots, boil tliese half an hour, then 
strain it out, and to every gallon of this liquor put three 
pounds of honey, boil it two hours, and scum it well, and 
when it is cold, pour it off, and turn it into the vessel, or such 
cask as is fit for it; keep it a year in the vessel and then 
bottle it; it is a very good sack. 

King Charles II. 's Surfeit Water. 

Take a gallon of the best aqua-vitte, and a quart of brandy, 
and a quart of aniseed water, a pint of poppy water, and a 
pint of damask rose water; put these in a large glass jar, and 
piit to it a pound of fine powdered sugar, a pound and a half 
of raisins stoned, a quarter of a pound of dates, stoned and 
sliced, one ounce of cinnamon bruised, cloves one ounce, four 
nutmegs bruised, one stick of liquorice sci'aped and sliced; 
let all these stand nine days close covered, stirring it three or 
four times a day; then add to it three pounds of fresh pop- 
pies, or three handfuls of dried poppies, a sprig of angelica, 
two or three of balm, so let it stand a week longer, then strain 
it out and bottle it. 

A Snail Water Against a Consumption. 

Take a pound of currants, and of hart's-tongue, liverwort 
and speedwell, of each, a large handful; then take a peck of 
snails, lay them all night in hyssop, the next morning rub 
and bruise them, and distil all in a gallon of new milk; 
sweeten it with white sugar candy and drink of this water 
two or three times a day, a quarter of a pint at a time; it has 
done great good. 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET, 115 

To Roast a Shoulder of Mutton in Blood. 

Cut the shoulder as you do venison, take off the skin, let it 
lie in the blood all night; then take as much powder of sweet 
herbs as will lie on a sixpence, a little grated bread, some 
pepper, nutmeg and ginger, a little lemon peel, the yolks of 
two eggs boiled hard, and about twenty oysters and salt; tem- 
per all together with some of the blood and stuff the meat 
thick with it, and lay some of it about the mutton; then 
wrap the caul of the sheep round the shoulder; roast it, and 
baste it with blood till near done; then take off the caul, 
dredge it and baste it with butter and serve it to the table 
with venison sauce in a bason. If you do not cut it venison- 
fashion, yet take off the skin, because it eats tough; let the 
caul be spread while it is warm or it will not do well; and 
next day when you are to use it wrap it in a cloth dipt in hot 
water; for sauce take some of the breast bones, chop them, 
and put to them a whole onion, a bay-leaf, a piece of lemon- 
peel, two or three anchovies, with spice that please; stew 
these, then add some red wine, oysters and mushrooms. 



116 DtNNEHOLOUY : 



CHAPTER VII. 

THE ANCIENT CHURCIl's LENTEN LAWS AND FARE. 

Our Rector's Singular Researches. — He Keeps me Awake. — 

Moses as a Public Health Commissioner. — Ecclesiasti- 

cism and^ Dietetics. — Clerical Licenses to Eat Meat in 
Lent. 

The worthy rector was as good as liis word. He 
popped in one evening, invited me to invite him into 
my snuggery, and there we communed as the clouds of 
incense and the steaming — but what's that got to do 
with what I was going to tell ? Nothing, so let it 
pass. 

" Well," said my genial friend and pastor, Dr. 
Goodbody, when we had got over the preliminaries, 
"you must know that when I promised to preach that 
special sermon on the Feeding of the Flock, I really 
had not a definite idea in my head. I thought, in a 
vague way, that it would be easy enough to string to- 
gether the usual gems of thought on the usual thread, 
bringing in appropriate references to the various 
kinds of foods and beverages mentioned in Holy Writ, 
with a wind-up parallel between our bodily and our 



OU:i EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 117 

Spiritual appetites^ and the importance of securing 
the highest form of nourishment for both." 

" Capital, Doctor ! Just the sort of sermon one would 
expect on the subject from so original a thinker — " 

"Anyhow, it's just the sort of sermon you are not 
going to get. The novelty of the subject tickled me. 
It struck me as so absurdly practical and out of the 
common pulpit track that I actually felt myself a 
3'oung fellow again, eager to put his best foot fore- 
most because he fears he may be preaching to some 
who have forgotten more than he ever knew. We 
soon get over that, though. However, while I flatter 
myself I am no greenhorn on the great dinner ques- 
tion, I certainly realize that I shall be preaching to 
not a few who can give me points, don't you know, 
and beat me at that, and this is just why I've come 
to talk my sermon notes over with 3'ou — " 

" But I'm a mere sheep, one of the flock, you know, 
— any green food is good enough for me, pastor! " — 

"How about thistles? eh! Ha, ha — no — no, I 
know the breed better than that. Well now, here are 
some queer things to hash up in a sermon ! But, I 
say — promise me you won't go to sleep ! " 

"Not while the queerness lasts, anyway" — 

"' Very well ; now let me proceed — (ah, that Pope of 
blessed memory had a nohle palate !) you must know 
that I started in with a few reflections on Lent. Tliree 



118 DTNNEUOLOGY: 

hundred and twenty-five days, practically, given to 
fasting, forty days leiit to mitigated fasting. There's 
a deep significance in that. The sinner goes a-feast- 
iug, he has to pay for it by a season of dyspetic sor- 
rowing. His sins are as three hundred and twenty- 
five to his virtues forty, and lean kine at that. You're 
not dozing off already ? 

" I was only nodding assent to — to — to whatever 
your argument was. Doctor." 

" I'm glad of that. Well, I was next led to inquire 
what the Church has to say about Lent. I don't 
mean now in its religious aspect, but in its historical. 
Have you ever noticed how the Church's pious cele- 
brations of events and seasons used to be associated 
with something good to eat ? The co.mmon people 
in far-back times required symbolism, and the closer 
the symbol came to their inner consciousness the 
greater their reverence for the truth or event sym- 
bolized. Thus turkey, roast beef and plum-pudding 
fixed the idea of Christmas in the popular mind 3 pan- 
cakes prompted to confession on Shrove Tuesday (and 
penance perhaps, next day) ; I am not certain whether 
the eating of hash was general on Ash Wednesday as 
some antiquarians argue ; figs and cake were proper for 
Mid-Lent and the Sunday consumption of salt fish on 
Good Friday and boiled eggs on Easter day attested 
the orthodoxy of our ancestors. I am inclined to think 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 119 

that some of the piety thus displayed might fairly be 
distinguished as mince-piety, but lest us judge not, 
lest we be judged." 

" Pardon me, Doctor, did I catch a reference to 
jugged hare ? or something else jugged ? Favorite 
dish o' mine in England, Doctor, jugged hare — charm- 
ing dish — by jingo ! " 

" No, I was speaking of our being judged, but I 
shake hands with you on jugged hare — grand, sir ! 
Why don't we introduce the hare here ? However, 
let me resume. 

I unearthed some of the laws and rules of the earl}^ 
Church upon the food and drink question. Its disci- 
pline was exceedingly strict ; wouldn't work at all 
nowadays, with our luxurious, free and independent 
people. Not the least ! The Church, one might ex- 
press it, re-enacted the Public Health legislation in- 
stituted by Moses. The people kept Lent very strictly 
in the second century. Even the pagan Komans 
kept a three weeks' fast as a preparation for the return 
of Spring. The Greek Church to-day is equally strict. 
Not very long ago several Russian peasants who had 
been bitten by a rabid wolf were sent to Paris for 
Pasteur's treatment, yet they refused to taste beef-tea 
because Lent had commenced. 

The earliest decree or code of laws known in tlie 
Christian Church are those styled the Apostolical 



120 DINNEROLOGY: 

Canons, held alike by the Catholic, Protestant and 
Greek Churches as the disciplinary rules that gov- 
erned the Primitive Church for the first three cen- 
turies. Some have claimed that these rules were 
drawn up by the Apostles, but it is more probable 
that they were the outcome of Church councils during 
the first two centuries. These canons decree that all 
clerics, readers, and singers shall be deposed if they 
do not keep " the Holy Fast of Lent forty days before 
Easter, or the Wednesdays or Fridays," but if the of- 
fender is only a layman he is simply to be suspended 
from communion. The learned Bishop Beveridge 
argues that Lent was certainly observed as early as 
the second century, and that the Wednesday and Fri- 
day fast was kept in the time of the Apostles. But 
if a cleric abstained from flesh " not from notification 
but of abhorrence, as having forgotten that all things 
are very good . . . and blasphemously reproach- 
ing the workmanship of God, let him amend, or else 
be deposed, and cast out of the Church, and so also 
shall a layman." Vegetarianism has anything but a 
primitive sanction. Nor did teetotallers find much 
encouragement in those days, for the same canon 
couples wine with flesh, and later on it commands the 
minister to "use " both these good creatures on festi- 
val days on pain of deposition "as one that hath a 
sear'd Conscience and is a cause of Scandal to man v.' 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 121 

Sunday was not to be a fast day. " If any clergy- 
man be found fasting on the Lord's-day, or on any 
Sabbath-day, except one, let him be depos'd." Com- 
ing next to the Synod of Ancyra, in Galatia, held 
A. D. 315, we find a marked change towards toleration 
of dietetic reformers. It was then decreed " That 
those in the clergy who abstain from Flesh, shall 
(Jirst) taste it, and then abstain, if they think fit; 
but if they will not taste, nor even eat of the Herbs 
which are mingled with the Flesh, nor obey the 
canon, then they cease from their Function." AVe 
have not the statistics of those who resisted and who 
succumbed to the savory temptations of roast and 
boiled. The origin of the two aforesaid week-day 
fasts is declared in the canons of St. Peter of Alexan- 
dria, martyr, A. D. 311, as follows : " Wednesday is 
to be fasted because then the Jews conspired to be- 
tray Jesus ; Friday, because then he suffered for us ; 
and we keep the Lord's-day as a Day of Joy, because 
then Our Lord rose. Our tradition is not to kneel 
on that day." This is still the rule of the Greek 
Church. 

Theophilus, Archbishop of Alexandria about A. D. 
385, decreed that when the fast of Epiphany chances 
to fall on a Sunday " let us take a few Dates, and 
so break our Fast and honor the Lord's day . . . 
eating no more till our Evening Assembly at Three 



122 DINNEROLOGY : 

after Noon." St. Basil the Grreat, Bislio]) of Caesarea, 
A. D. 370, makes short work of the pork difficulty. 
His 38th canon lays down that " it is ridiculous to 
vow not to eat Swine's Flesh, and to abstain from 
it is not necessary." The canons drawn up at 
Laodicea, A. D. 367, give the clergy some hints upon 
good manners. They are forbidden to celebrate either 
weddings or birthdays in Lent, but, furthermore, 
"they of the Priesthood and Clergy ought not to gaze 
on fine shows at Weddings, or other Feasts, but be- 
fore the masquerades enter, to rise up and retreat." 
Again, '^ they of the Priesthood, or even Laity, ought 
not to club together for great Eating and Drinking- 
bouts." When they do go out to weddings, " they 
ought not to use wanton dancings, but modestly to 
Dine and Sup, as becomes Christians." And no 
matter where or how they travelled, they were sternly 
ordered never to enter "a public-house," correspond- 
ing to our hotel or saloon. 

" A balloon ! bless me — let's go — I shouldn't won- 
der if I wasn't just on the verge of nodding, .Doctor, 
but it was awfull}^ interesting " 

" My dear hearer, it's you who have been up in a 
balloon ! But I'll excuse you — if you'll ascertain 
whether the posset has gone too ! " 

" Wh}'^, of course it hasn't, Doctor ! Have a sip — 
it'll waken us up, don't you know ! '' 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 123 

'^ Thank you — the congregation needs a revival. 
Well, to resume, notwithstanding the severity of this 
ancient Parson's Prohibition, the usage grew very 
much more lax as time went on, for it was not un- 
common for the country parsons of England in the 
last century actually to keep the village ale-house, to 
eke out their miserable livings.' Even within the 
past sixty years there was an instance of this in the 
county of Westmoreland. Those were the good old 
times when the village parson was 'passing rich' on 
two hundred dollars a year ! " 

" Shouldn't wonder if they didn't earn it better 
than some of ow elegant Dives divines do— eh ? " 

"Bless you— what are $15,000 to a Fifth Avenue 
ficTure-head? You Wall Street men and lawyers 

little know the labors and anxieties and drains " 

" Your glass is empty. Doctor— allow me— we fully 
allow for all the worries of clerical work— by allowing 
a full stipend in most cases, though I think all cleri- 
cal salaries should be pooled and then all share alike 
— what do you say ? " 

"As my worthy people do not pay me as much as 
SMue of my brethren, I should hold your view— if I, 
like you, were only a lawyer. But I must hurry up 
-before that balloon returns for its passenger. I was 
about to remark that there was a statute in the reign 
of Queen Elizabeth which forbade ' the eating of llesh 



1 24 DINNEROLOGY : 

on fish-days' except by special license from Hlie Min- 
ister.' There was a penalty for the breach of this 
enactment of ' three Pounds in money, or three Month's 
Imprisonment without Bail, and forty Shillings for- 
feiture to him that conceals it.' This law was in force 
down to about a century ago, and is probably still un- 
repealed. I copied one of these Lenten Licenses, it 
runs thus : 

' A License given to Sir Henry More & his Lady 
' Dame Elizabeth for eating flesh for the space of 
' Eight Days, upon a certificate fro Mr. John More, 
' Dr. of Physicke, yt Abstinence from Elesh would be 
^ very prejuditious to their health. 

' The 22nd of March, 1632. 
' The same license renewed Mar. ye 30 ) ^ ( testes. 

* The same renewed Aprill y^ 7. ) ^^ ( testes. 

By me Willia" Norma~, 
Minister of y^ Parish of Clopton.' " 

" I guess those permits cost as much as a dollar a 
time, Doctor ? " 

"A dollar! ^ive at the least I should think, con- 
sider the social rank of the applicants '' 

" Well, we'll say five dollars for the parson and one 
for the doctor ; how's that ? '' 

" But the doctors always get bigger fees than we 
parsons— =—" 



OUil EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 125 

" Well, then, what I would like to know is — how 
did the sick^^oor get along ? " 

"■ As most of them do now in rural parishes, by the 
practical sympathy of the rich and the free services 
of their pastor. Never forget that our unknown work 
exceeds in volume and often in value the routine 
duties, which are all that meet the public eye.'' 

" I am sure that's literally true, Doctor, no one 
knows it better than I do. But what a j^rice those 
weekly fees must have made the squire's beefsteaks 
come to ! " 

" Well, wasn't the Church wise in encouraging 
simplicity of diet ? I thought you would get up an 
agitation to induce our Church conventions to put a 
stoj; to beef-eating, funeral extravagance, and all 
other such sumptuary sins ! " 

" You've got me tight, Doctor, but I'm no longer 
an anti-meatite." 

^' The cliL^rch has always sanctioned the innocent 
pleasures of the table, with a sagacious perception of 
the unwisdom of over-straining human nature. True, 
the Council of Trullus, A. D. 683, threatened to de- 
pose clerics and excommunicate laymen ^who bake 
cakes presently after Christmas and eat them with their 
Friends in Honour to the Virgin,' but this was solely 
to suppress what was considered a festival practice, 
just as the pro|)hot Jeremiah had denounced (vii. 18) 



126 DINNEROLOGY : 

the dainty-loving women in liis day who ' knead their 
dough to make cakes to the queen of heaven.' Very 
likely these were the ancestors of the prolific family 
of Christmas cakes and pies whicli do us so much 
damage to-day." 

" Don't our brethren of the Koman Catholic 
Church keep Lent more strictly than we do ? " 

"As a whole they certainly do, and it is interesting 
to notice, in the light of the historical sketch we 
have been making, how carefully that Church draws 
up its Lenten dietary. Here are the rules issued by 
Archbishop Corrigan for the Arch-diocese of New 
York. 

' All the week days of Lent from Ash Wednesda}^ 
to Easter Sunday are fast days of precept, on one 
meal, with the allowance of a moderate collation in 
the evening. 

^ The church excuses from the obligation of fast- 
ing (but not of abstinence from flesh meat, except in 
special cases of sickness) the infirm, those who are 
attaining their growth, those whose duties are of an 
exhausting or laborious chaiacter, women in preg- 
nancy or nursing infants, and those who are enfeebled 
by old age. 

' The following dispensations are granted for this 
diocese by the authority of the Holy See : 

' I'o Those loho are I^ound to Fast, — Elesh meat 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 12T 

is allowed at the principal meal on all days except 
Wednesdays and Fridays, Ember Saturday, and the 
last four days of Holy Week. The custom of this 
country, tolerated by the Church, permits the use of 
eggs, butter, cheese, or white meats at the principal 
meal, and even at the collation, provided the rule of 
quantity prescribed by the fast be complied with. By 
the same custom dripping and lard are permitted in 
the preparation of food for either the chief meal or 
for the collation. On Sundays there is neither fast- 
ing nor abstinence, but fish cannot be used with flesh 
meat at the same meal at any time in Lent. 

^ To Those who, though not Bound to Fast, are 
Bound to Abstain.— \N\\iiQ meats {lacticinia) which 
are allowed at the principal meal to those who are 
bound to fast are allowed at all times to those who 
are not so bound. On the days (Sundays included) 
when flesh meat is permitted fish is not allowed at 
the same meal. This rule applies to all fasting days 
throughout the year.' 

" These rules, I am free to say, are so excellent in 
their sanitary aspect that 1 for one, staunch Protest- 
ant though I am, believe it would be highly beneficial 
to society if we were all to obey them — " 

" Undoubtedly, and if all goes well my good wife 
will probably be able before next year to give the Arch- 



128 DINNEROLOGY : 

bishop a few extra points on the practicability of 
keeping a dietetic Lent all the year round." 

" I hope she may. Well now, I've exhausted my 
notes about as completely as they have exhausted 
you, so I'm off for the parsonage. Good-night ! and 
don't go to sleep quite so soon when you hear the 
full-blown sermon ! " 

We went to hear the good rector preach it, of course, 
and I never heard him give us a sermon so full of 
meat. 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 129 



CHAPTER VIII. 

DIETING V. DOCTORING. 

Our worthy Doctor Gires us his Views on the Diet-Cure 
for Corpulence — the Diet-cure for Consumption — Hoav 
they Physicked us a Hundred years ago— Some Fancy 
Foods. — Facts about Fish as Nerve-Food and Physic — A 
Simple Cure for Dyspepsia. 

" So you have actually condescended to send for me ! 
I thought you had done with the ills of life — " 

" Good-morning, Dr. Drencham ; you see we 
haven't quite parted with every one, for here you are 
— but we look on you as a private friend, you know." 

^' Quite right, quite right, — a blessing in the guise 
of an eneni}^, eh ! Well now, what's the matter ? 
Please now consider we are parleying for a truce ! " 

" Well, I sprained my ankle, Doctor, in practising 
some little gymnastic tricks I haven't tried for 
years — " 

" Ah — slight tendency to gout, probably." 

"Gout ! Why, not exactly. If you had told me that 
five years ago I should have looked up my wine bills 
and believed you, but I could never have got a sprain 
from acrobatic performance in those days. Doctor ! " 



180 DINNEKOLOGY : 

"Why not?" 

" Why, I could no more bend down to button my 
shoes with my fingers than — I could expect a swell 
physician to prescribe a dime-diet as the best cure for 
his rich patients' dyspepsia ! " 

" If rich patients paid their doctors for common- 
sense advice sans professional mystification, I assure 
you our general 2^1'i^ctice would give us much more 
satisfaction, though, mind you, there must always be 
a large necessity for purely technical treatment — " 

" Of course there must, Doctor — why, here I call 
you in myself to treat an effect, the cause of which I 
know more about than you possibly can. I only 
meant a joke, yet your acceptance of it shows how we 
often do injustice to your profession in assuming that 
you all put cure before prevention." 

Here Pattj'' came in and the doctor congratulated 
her on her healthy complexion. 

" I'm perfectly ashamed of myself," she replied, 
" whenever I meet you. Dr. Drencham, for looking 
and feeling as well as I do, and I hope you will for- 
give me, for I really can't help it." 

Kow, I can stand your good husband's mild jokes, 
but if you begin to ill-use a poor, lone, defenceless 
creature — why I shall be driven to the dime-diet 
resort or some other form of suicide ! " 

^•' The very best way of suiciding one's dyspepsia^ 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 131 

misery, Doctor ! Excuse my ignorance of profes- 
sional terms ! " 

" I capitulate, madame ; the majority rules the 
helpless minority, and now the minority devotes its 
superior experience to the amelioration of the help- 
lessness of the majority ! " 

The good doctor was right. Patty was perfection 
at a market-hargain or a fricassee, but she was a noodle 
when it came to surgery. She was lion-like in 
tackling the agonies of bonnet-building, but the 
sight of little Percy's cut finger brought her sheepy 
side to the front. When the doctor had fixed me up 
and was giving Patty some suggestions for my bene- 
fit, she proudly pointed to my bandaged limb as a 
grand testimony to the virtues of the siin^Je dietary 
which had made agility possible in me, who for years 
had been too fat and lazy to walk two blocks if by 
riding around six I could get there just the same. 

" Just what our amiable patient here was flourish- 
ing at me," smilingly replied the doctor. 

"Yes, Doctor, we like to spread the light among 
the heathen," I joined in, " and we've not lost hope 
of converting even learned conservative Brahmins 
like you ! " 

" Bless my soul (and you7^ l>ody), why, I'm saved 
already, my good missionary friends ! I am indeed ! 
Don't you know that only last month I read a paper 



132 DINNEROLOGY : 

before the Grand Panjandrum of the Medico-Surgico- 
Homoeo-allopatheclectic region upon the Diet cure for 
Corpulence and Consumption ? '' 

'■' The dickens you did ! Why wasn't it printed 
in every newspaper in the land ? " 

" Ah, noio you are poaching on professional res- 
ervations, my friend. But I don't mind giving you 
and your talented wife a general outline of the posi- 
tion I took and defended, if it would not be adding 
torture to pain ? " 

" My dear Doctor Drencham — my husband is so 
impatient I'm sure he would be thankful for any 
affliction that would take his mind off his toothache 
or his ankle — " 

" It's quite true, what Patty says. Doctor, I alvmijs 
prefer her to scold me when the pain comes on — but 
go ahead — nothing could give us greater pleasure, 
believe me. Doctor, than to listen to such a high 
authority on so vital a subject." 

Dr. Drencham gave us the gentlest touch of his 
lancet-wit as he drew up his easy-chair by the fireside 
and gave us the benefit of his invaluable experience 
and information. 

He said, substantially, as follows : " You speak of 
the diet cure for corpulence. Well, there have been 
a good many prescriptions, systems, and theories to 
keep down flesh whiL3 maintaining health and 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 133 

strength. Not to go farther back than our own time, 
there was the once famous Banting system. Mr. 
Banting was the undertaker for the royal family of 
England, and kept a large funeral furnishing store 
just under St. James's Palace. I forget how much 
the old gentleman weighed, somewhere about 300 I 
think, when he discarded all the treatments he had 
been under. They were failures. In the pamphlet 
which won for him the only immortal fame ever con- 
ferred on a funeral man, he told how he resolved to 
resolve his superfluous adiposity by abstaining from 
fats, sugars, breads and similar common articles of 
diet. He took his tea and coffee without milk or su- 
gar, limited his allowance of lean meats, ate any fish 
except salmon, and generally practiced what was 
called a starvation system. His method was opposed 
to generally received physiological principles, but it 
could not fairly be styled a starving diet. His pam- 
phlet attracted great attention, he had many disci- 
ples, and so lately as two years ago his son stated that 
his father received more than two thousand letters 
from persons of all ranks, praising the success of his 
plan and thanking him for making it known. Mr. 
Banting certainly reduced his weight to reasonable 
proportions and died an octogenarian in the odor of 
genteel success. 

From his day until now, say twenty years, there 



134 DINNEROLOGY : 

have been other methods proposed, all of them on a 
basis of a special regimen. Dr. Ebstein, a German med- 
ical professor of high repute, recently published a sort 
of anti-Banting system. He is — or was then — very 
confident about the merits of his method. Where 
Banting "starved" the patient, Ebstein feeds him on 
fat. He would not risk the weakening results of 
which many of Banting's disciples complained, and 
from which, it was claimed, some of them died. This 
was alleged of the Comte de Chambord, but without 
sufficient evidence. Dr. Ebstein held that a starving 
process sacrifices albumen as well as fat, causing im- 
poverishment of the blood, the only remedy for which 
is good feeding. He dismisses the " water cures " as 
useless bj'^ themselves, and medical treatment in gen- 
eral. Diet regulation is what he relies on. 

Strange as it ma}^ seem, Dr. Ebstein insisted that 
the eating of fat tends to reduce fatness. He gave 
his reasons for this, accompanied by careful warnings 
against eating more than the exact quantity suitable 
to the individual case. Then, his patient must reallj^ 
be patient, he must not expect to become slim in a 
month or two. His reduction is to be the consequence 
of a gradual but radical substitution of one dietary 
for another, and time must be allowed for the system 
to get used to tbe new treatment. You know all 
about the carbo-hj^drates, because you used to keep 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 135 

that chart of yours well before my eyes when I had 
the pleasure of eating your vegetarian banquets. 
Well^ Dr. Ebstein's prime object was to get rid of 
them. Sugar, potatoes, and all similar foods he for- 
bade entirely, and put a limit on bread and vegeta- 
bles. In his book he not only admits meats, but he 
tells his patient, "I permit bacon fat, fat roast pork, 
fat mutton, kidney fat and marrow in soups. I allow 
the sauces as well as the vegetables to be made juicy, 
as Hippocrates did, only for his sesame oil I substi- 
tute butter." 

There must be no snacks between meals, light 
wines may be drunk, but not beer — " unless the per- 
mitted carbo-hydrates be correspondingly restricted." 
The daily diet of one of his patients, who was cured, 
was for breakfast, eaten early, large cup of black tea, 
no milk or sugar, and two ounces of bread with plentj^ 
of butter. For dinner, at two o'clock, soup, four to 
six ounces of roast or boiled meat, vegetables in mod- 
eration, but no potatoes, and no turnips. Some fresh 
fruit, or a salad, to follow, or stewed fruit without 
sugar, two or three glasses of light wine, followed by 
a large cup of tea, as at breakfast. For supper, black 
tea, fat roast meat, or eggs, or ham with fat bologna 
sausage, smoked or fresh fish, a little bread well but- 
tered, cheese and fruit, eaten at seven or eight p. m. 

Of this and all such sj'stems of scientific dieting I 



Iij6 DINNEROLOGY : 

may adopt President Lincoln's convenient formula — ■ 
" for those suited to such treatment, such treatment is 
likely to be suitable." Whether it succeeds or fails, 
the virtue lies more in the patient himself than in the 
treatment. Before we can safely apply anybody's 
finely drawn-out method, with all its niceties of 
chemical proportions and finicky rules of conduct, to 
our own case, we have first to learn whether our con- 
stitution, our age, our habits, our environment, cor- 
respond exactly to those of the person said to be 
cured. Here is where ninety-nine per cent, of fail- 
ures come in, in every branch of self-treatment, just 
for want of sufficient knowledge of ever varying con- 
ditions. I might add that this is also just where the 
trained doctor comes in, too, "with healing in his 
wings,'' but I scorn to interrupt my story. 

At the time when Ebstein's system was being dis- 
cussed, an interesting letter appeared in an English 
journal, written by one of the typical ' countrj^ squires' 
who owe so much of their robust health to their pas- 
sion for hunting and every form of hard out-door ex- 
ercise. He stated that for many years it had been a 
constant study with him how to keep down his weight. 
He dreaded becoming too fat to go a-hunting. He 
tried Banting's and other methods with signal fail- 
ure. They were ver}'- inconvenient to carrj'^ out. At 
last he came to the conclusion that 'the great secret 



OUK, EXPERIMENTS IX DIET. 187 

of keeping away fat was to limit the quantity of 
liquid consumed, and not the qualit3\' Then he put 
his theory into practice, and succeeded so well that 
he was able to sign himself, ^ A Light, late a Heavy 
Weight.' I will read the rest of his letter. The 
'■ stone ' is 14 pounds. 

'The following rules, faithfully carried out, will in a 
month take off a stone weight of fat from any one 
who carries it in excess of what is necessary for his 
s 3' stem : — 

1st. Three meals a day only. 

2d. No intermediate nips or snacks. 

3d. At each meal any reasonable amount of any 
solid food, and one half-pint of any liquid. 

This regime leaves you health}'- and vigorous, and 
one week is quite enough to make one reconciled to 
an apparently (not really) limited amount of liquid. 
On it I have hunted, shot, played rackets, cricket, 
and tennis, and for years have been as sound as a 
bell. 

The rate at which weight is lost is surprising at 
first. A fourteen stone man who is carrying two 
stone of useless fat will part with it at the rate of one 
pound a day; but suffers no inconvenience beyond 
the looseness of his garments. 

An occasional "unbending of the bow," in the 
shape of a relaxation of the quantit}^ rule, will very 



138 DINNEROLOGY : 

soon work itself off, but these ^- unbendings " must 
not come oftener than once in five or six weeks. 

For the corpulent this is a certain cure, but if very 
large feeders are anxious to try it, it is necessary to 
make some reduction in solid food as well. 

Hunting men will find themselves a stone lighter 
for it, if they carry unnecessary fat, almost before 
they are aware of it, as they will waste so quickly 
from the exercise.' 

Here, again, the individual must use his own judg- 
ment as to how far this rule is good for him. Others 
have testified to its efficacy in their eases, and I am 
free to saj'' that if I were similarl}^ affi^icted, this is the 
system I should try first, because of its reasonable- 
ness, simplicitj'-, and general soundness in principle." 

We thanked the doctor for his kindness, taking 
some credit to ourselves for somewhat improving on 
this limited moderation by extending it to eating and 
drinking alike. I cannot stop to report our talk upon 
this however, because of the practical value of what 
the doctor proceeded to tell us about diet as a cure 
for incipient weakness of the chest in children, and a 
remedy for developed consumption in adults. 

He continued: "We are more fortunate in this 
climate in the matter of consumption than our cousins 
across the sea. Yet there are many reasons why our 
people should know all that can be known about the 



OUK EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 139 

influence of sound feeding on the diseases affecting 
tlie lungs. In this more, perhaps, than in any other 
ailment, good food can do good when medicines are 
useless. To go fully into causes and effects, or to at- 
tempt a semi-scientific exposition now would be wholly 
out of place. I will simply avail mj'^self of a capital 
paper on this matter from the pen of an eminent 
specialist in Edinburgh, J. Milner Eothergill, M. D., 
widely known for the past ten years as physician to 
the Chest hospital in that famous city. Being Scotch 
he is, of course, very practical, and as he speaks 
from a wide experience, ten words from such a man 
possess more weight than ten hours' talk from a 
mere theorizer. His proposition amounts to this, — if 
children and adults born with consumptive tendencies 
were fed with a proper knowledge of what best suits 
their trouble, consumption would cease to be as fatal 
as it now is. Fat, he says, is absolutely necessary to 
the building up of healthy tissue, and in consumption, 
even at the earliest stage, * the dietary should be as 
rich in fat as the assimilative powers of the patient 
will permit, and to the utmost limit of tolerance on 
the part of the stomach.' Children should be fed on 
milk and oatmeal or hominy, because these are the 
richest in fats. Wheat, barley and rye lack fat, by 
comparison. Dr. Fothergill strongly advocates giving 
children plenty of good butter. Their bread should 



140 DINNEROLOGY ; 

be cut thin and buttered thick, rather than the oppo- 
site. As children do not like meat fats, fry potatoes, 
chopped fine, in bacon fat, and they will eat it and 
enjoy it. Bread and butter puddings are much the 
best for weakly children. Malt sugar does less harm 
to the teeth than cane sugar, neither does it set up 
acetous acid fermentation in the stomach, two import- 
ant reasons for preferring malt sugar. 

Toffee, or taffy, made in the old way with molasses 
and butter is ^ a marvellous concentrated food for 
children, and an extra ration of it in cold weather is 
an excellent practice.' The practical experiment the 
author tried on a school during winter confirmed his 
opinion. For consumptives cod liver oil is the most 
easily digestible fat, though also the most nauseous. 
Next to it, bacon fat, the liquid fat, is the most easily 
assimilated. The advertised fat 'emulsions' are ex- 
plained to be the minute sub-division of the pure oil 
into particles which, aided by our food, are more 
likely to be absorbed than when taken alone. Dr. 
Fothergill recommends cream as a fine natural emul- 
sion, which anybody can take and digest with stewed 
fruit. Dyspeptics must take it when hungry, if it is 
to agree with them. A little liquor, or liqueur, helps 
it to stay down. He also recommends the placing of 
two tablespoonfuls of fresh cream in a glass and then 
fill up with aerated water. ' This is a drink fit for 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 141 

the Muses or the Graces, if threatened with phtliisis.' 
Taking Dr. Fothergill's counsel in an ordinary way 
we are safe in feeding delicate children and adults on 
the maximum of proper fats consistent with the 
minimum of indigestion, and I guess the more the 
people generally practice this simple dietetic remedy, 
the less they will require of our physics. We shall 
always be needed to direct and advise, and in this 
lies our highest value to the sick, if only they knew 
it." 

Patty was in ecstacy. That very afternoon, she 
announced, instructions should be given to our milk- 
man to furnish a pint of real honest cream to "emul- 
sate," as she termed it, " poor dear little Percy, who 
has quite gone off since we stopped his Boston beans 
and stuffed him with Philadelphia chicken." I 
thanked the doctor for the real information he had 
favored us with. Patty remarked how wonderfully 
simple doctoring seems to be getting on — nowadays — 
" just fancy — mere cream ! And better than that 
horrid oil, too ! " 

" Yes, you may well be grateful and glad, madam," 
said Drencham, " if you had any idea of how we should 
have treated you a hundred years ago, you would 
think even cod liver oil was the nectar of the gods. 
Por instance — (please suppose me to be Cliirurgeon, 
Apothecary in Chief to Her Majesty Queen Anne), 



142 DINNEKOLOGY : 

if you asked me for my prescription for " tootliach/' 
I should tell you to run your needle through the body 
of a woodlouse and then touch your tooth with it, and 
you would be cured. If you had sore eyes I should 
order you to powder the sweepings of j^our poultry- 
pen, have it blown into your eyes before going to 
sleep, and in the morning you would see as clearly as 
a Lick telescope. A nice fat snail, persuaded to 
jellify itself, would take away the freckle or pimple 
you laid it upon. For various internal troubles I 
should have mixed you certain marvellous medicines, 
of which one ingredient is five hundred snails, soaked 
overnight in vinegar. If you had been afiflicted with 
epileptic fits, I should have solemnly administered a 
physic made after this approved prescription : ^ Take 
of the powder of a man's skull, of cinnabar and anti- 
mony of each a dram, of frog's liver dried and male 
piony, each two drams ; conserve of rosemary two 
ounces, syrup of pionils enough to make a soft electu- 
ary, of which eat a quantity as large as a nutmeg 
every morning and evening, drinking after it three 
ounces of the water of the lillies of the valley ; take 
it three days before the new moon, and three days 
before the full moon.' 

" You would have relished a tablespoonful of ants for 
your deafness, or for leprosy. The blood and bones, 
and certain of the organs in toads and vipers were 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 143 

certain cures for other diseases. Bees dried and 
powdered used to make the hair sprout on bald places, 
for which cantharides are still famed. A lady-bird, 
or sa}^, a Colorado bug, placed on your aching tooth 
and ' crushed in ' would effectually turn your 
thoughts from that trouble. For inflamed eyes you 
would catch all the house-flies you could muster, boil 
them in 3'our soup pot, and wash your eyes well in the 
liquor. Five gnats were as serviceable as a couple of 
pills. Earwigs eaten raw used to cure vertigo, and a 
plaster made of spiders and put on the forehead was a 
fashionable remedy for malaria." 

Patty showed tlie surprise of uncomfortableness 
and I began to wonder whether lunch time would be 
long. The good doctor was wound up to go a little 
longer, but he slightly changed the subject. 

"All these antiquated prescriptions marked the 
transition from sheer magic and superstition to the 
dawning era of rationalism. The doctors were not 
yet bold enough to dispense with the prevalent faith 
in mysteries, though undoubtedly they laughed at 
the popular credulity when they held their fraternal 
caucuses and conventions. Yet they were by no 
means the only sinners in stuffing the people with 
horrible medicines. The people liked to stuff them- 
selves with equally loathsome foods. Ants were 
sometimes eaten in England, and in Africa and India 



144 DINNEROLOGY : 

they are regarded as a sort of national dish to this 
day. Emin Bey, the eminent explorer, told us in one 
of his last letters how he had been forced to make his 
dinner on stewed ants, good big ones too, or go hun- 
gry. Perhaps it was the late Bishop Harrington, 
I am not quite sure. Bats were a delicacy during 
the siege of Paris seventeen years ago, and were eagerly 
bought at something like five dollars each. Some Indian 
tribes were described as feasting on lice caught and 
cooked by their women. My authority for this is 
Southey quoting Dobrizhoffer. He also tells of a Dr. 
Fordyce who knew tlie black servant of an Indian mer- 
chant in America. Tliis man was fond of soup made of 
rattlesnakes, in which he always boiled the head, re- 
gardless of any poison in it. The fellow must have 
been a homeopath without knowing it. Horseflesh is 
eaten more generally than is popularly supposed. 
There are mysteries in the laboratories of the mag- 
icians who grow rich by transmuting the offal of car- 
casses into the toothsome gems that are clad in tinted 
skins. There is consolation in knowing that if we 
ever weary of flesh and rebel against vegetarianism 
too, we can still cultivate a new epicureanism among 
the clay-eating Hottentots." 

" One word, dear doctor, before you go. What is 
your opinion on the value of fish for the brain ? '' 

"Very high indeed. I have noticed with surprise 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IK DIET. 145 

that some chemists are seeking to pooh-pooh the 
popular belief that phosphorus in some way builds up 
the brain. They admit in the same breath, that as 
yet their analytical ingenuity does not enable them 
to speak dogmatically upon the exact chemical action 
phosphorus has upon ,the nerves. Very well, the 
appeal then lies to experience, and experience smiles 
at the objections of rigid theorists. I need not ap- 
peal to the literally universal prevalence of the belief 
among fish-eating peoples. Let me handle a few- 
facts. Most fish is easier of digestion than flesh. 
Good digestion is good for what bit of brain we 
possess. But the brain is only a part of our system of 
nerves. The food that best feeds our nervous system 
is the best for those whose nerves are the weakest 
part of them, and for all of us when we are over- 
strung or worried- Fish strengthens and feeds this 
part of us better than meats or bread foods. It does 
not ' fill ' us so solidly as meats at the time ; we don't 
feel in so much need of a lazy time after a fish meal 
as after a meat meal of equal quantity, and therefore 
we fancy that the fish has not been so ^feeding.' 
That is a mistake. We should choose fish or meat 
according to the chief needs of our system just then; 
fish, if our nerves are hungr}^ flesh if we only want a 
common ^square meal.' 

And right here let me say don't merely nibble 



146 DINNEROLOGY : 

your lish and toy with a few dainty pickings if your 
nerves want a feed. You must make your whole meal 
of it. For an ordinary dinner in ordinary health the 
hit of fish in its course is all right. And don't bother 
your curiosity bump as to whether it's the phosphorus 
or not that does the business. Perhaps the virtue lies 
in the way you handle your fork ; what does it matter 
to you so long as the fish-meal sets you up ? 

But now for another fact for chemical sticklers. 
An eminent English doctor happened to believe in 
the fish-cure, so to call it. Dr. Mortimer Granville has 
been a, if not the, leading specialist in nerve diseases 
and lunacy, and besides having edited the principal 
medical paper, the Lancet^ was for thirty years the 
government official visitor of private lunatic asylums. 
Nerve diseases, brain disorder, and lunacy are all in 
the same category. Dr. Granville's testimony is re- 
remarkable. I summarize it briefly. For persons 
whose nervous system is below par, or badly de- 
ranged, and so on up to raving madness, fish is the 
first remedy to be given. Pound for pound it is as 
nutritious as flesh, for them at least. Feed them on 
fish at every meal, fish in as great variety as possible, 
so that each course may be fish, as much as the 
patient can be induced to eat. 

Kesult, — a speedy cessation of nervous irritation. 
They calm down, they lose their excited look, the first 



OUR EXPERtMEJ^TS IN DIET. 147 

and principal step to final cure has been successfully 
taken. Is it phosphorus ? Well, it is fish, and fish 
has phosphorus, and that's just what an irritated 
nerve sings out for. But perhaps it is only the pro- 
tagon and lecithin '^ of the fish that work the spell ! 
So be it ; I will let the learned pundits stick to their 
quirks and quibbles if only the}'^ won't stick any more 
of their scientific bones into my plain fish. 

Another fact, a little nearer home. When I was 
a student I had to ^cram' very hard, very late till 
very early. Later in life I have had spells of brain- 
work, involving a great deal of penwork. For two or 
three weeks at a stretch I have had to stick to my 
desk, writing, while referring to books, many a day 
for twelve, fourteen, sixteen continuous hours. Plain 
feeding kept me well, but towards the end of the task 
my nerves would get on the rack, and at times I 
wanted to fling the table over and have a scream. I 
used to take sundry advertised ^ phosphorus ' nos- 
trums as stimulants. Some served the temporary 
purpose, but I concluded that it would be much more 
sensible to get my phosphorus first hand. Well, I 
ate nothing but fish, fish, fish, to every meal. Oysters 
were best, and the plainest-cooked white fish next. 
No meats. Results, — cessation of irritability, a sense 
of comfort, and just enough stimulus to give the brain 
* go.' And from that time to this, if ever I have to 



148 DINNEROLOGY : 

work at extra high pressure, I will always do the 
same thing." 

I was delighted to learn that the doctor's experience 
agreed with ray own. 

And here, for the henefit of those who suffer from 
dyspepsia, I will give a simple method of cure, at- 
tested by many who speak from personal experience. 
A well-known English author thus describes it in a 
letter to a friend, written twenty years ago, which 
soon found its way into print. 

" Doctors said that vegetable acids would aggravate 
my complaint, as I was suffering from aciditj^ but I 
should take carbonate of soda and ammonia-alkalis. 
My inclination for vegetable acids was, however, so 
strong that at last I took lemon juice with every 
meal, a total of from one to two ounces daily. In three 
months I was cured of my dysj^epsia. Being anxious 
to make my remedy useful, I tried it on a few fellow- 
sufferers and give results." After recording several 
remarkable instances of cure he adds '^Citric acid, the 
concentrated preparation of lemon juice, is cheaper, 
more portable, and equally efficacious as fresh lemon 
juice, and pleasanter than preserved juice. When 
using the lemons, skin them before they are squeezed. 
Avoid diluting with water or eating sugar with the 
lemon juice, for the saccharine matter exhausts the 
strength of the digestive acids of the stomach. The 



OUJa EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 149 

introduction of citric acid into tlie body probably 
favors the development of the gastric juice. Citric 
acid and pepsine are ferments not of the hurtful na- 
ture of yeast, but such as the body requires. Hence 
the folly of neutralizing the acids of the body with 
alkali, for the body requires free acids for the proper 
digestion of the food. In the cases given the suffer- 
ers generally adopted a farinaceous, frugivorous, and 
vegetable diet, as twice the quantity of lemon was 
required on the flesh diet they were accustomed to. 
The essential oil of lemons contained in the skin is 
injurious." 



150 DINNEROLOGY: 



CHAPTER IX. 

COOKERY AND DIGESTION. 

The Art and Science of Cookery — Boiling Without Spoil- 
ing — Grilling Chops and Steaks — Close-Oven Roasting 
of Fish and Flesh — Potash in Vegetables — Good and 
Bad Bread — Cookery for the Gouty — Digestible Welsh 
Rare-Bits— The Value of Malt Extract— Tea and Dys- 
pepsia. 

I CANNOT sa.y that superstitioii is one of my weak- 
nesses, and 3'et I was singularly impressed by some- 
thing bordering on the miraculous, of which I had 
read the other day, and by the interpretation thereof. 
I felt I must tell Patty. 

" Do you remember that fried steak we had for 
breakfast on Shrove Tuesday ? " 

" Yes ; 3^ou didn't feel very well after it, you 
know." 

" Just so. Well, now, what do j^ou think of this — 
the wife of a Pennsylvania farmer was frying a steak 
for dinner one day. When she went to see how it 
was doing — there was a snake wriggling in the pan. 
A village convention was held on the mystery, 
and unanimous approval was given to the verdict of 
the local patriarch, Avho solemnly declared that the 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 151 

Lord had put that snake there as a judgment on the 
woman for frying a steak." 

Patty calmly remarked that the teachings of Provi- 
dence often come in mysterious ways, and wondered 
why fried snake shouldn't be as good as stewed eels. 
I don't like solemn subjects treated frivolously, so I 
thought it a good opportunity to let Patty know the 
outcome of a good deal of stiff reading I had been do- 
ing in the line of Cookery, its philosophy, science, 
art and practice. 

Of cook-books there is no end, big, little, expensive, 
cheap, luxurious, plain, wicked and good. We owned 
a shelf-ful ourselves, and after years of wandering 
through their mazes and tumbling into their pitfalls, 
we found we could get along all the better when we 
struck out nineteen-twentieths of the recipes. What 
I wanted to get at was this — what precise value does 
cooking add to food, and what sort and amount of 
cooking best serves our health ? 

The literature of this department is not easy to 
find, nor to indicate. The most useful information is 
scattered over a thousand lectures, essays, letters, 
speeches, etc., in medical, scientific, philanthrophic 
and miscellaneous publications, from which I have 
accumulated scraps innumerable. Crankiness sheds 
its filmy sheen over much of the most interesting but 
unreliable experiences and theories. Doctors differ 



152 DINNEROLOGY ; 

and cooks conflict. In a magazine formerly edited by 
the late Prof. E. A. Proctor, tlie astronomer, entitled 
Knowledge^ many valuable papers appeared on this 
and allied subjects, the most instructive being from 
the pen of Mr. Mattieu Williams, a practical chemist. 
From his pen, and from those of Sir Henry Thompson 
and Mr. B. W. Kiehardson, the eminent English phy- 
sicians, I take certain of the statements which follow. 
In the cooking of meat and fish the great feat is 
how to conserve the juices without hardening the 
fibre. A steak, grilled, fried, or stewed is bad for di- 
gestion in proportion as it is leathery. Everybody 
knows that the albuminous juices in meats go hard at 
2128, which is the boiling point. An i^.^^ put into 
boiling water hardens next the shell, which prevents 
the inner portions being properly cooked. If the ^^'y 
is put into water of about 1508, and left at that tem- 
perature for seven or eight minutes, both yolk and 
white are equally cooked, and the flavor is unim- 
paired. The same principle of cooking applies to 
meats and fish. If the juices and flavors are to be 
kept in the flesh, placing the article into boiling water 
for four or five minutes at most will coagulate the 
outer coating of albumen enough to prevent the es- 
cape of those juices, but the j)ot should then be re- 
moved to where the cooking process can be continued 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 153 

at a temperature of not more than 1808, and kept 
there for nearly double the time ordinarily specified 
in the cook-books. A single experiment with a fish 
or joint thus treated, compared with a similar piece 
boiled according to the old style, will make a convert 
of the most orthodox cook. 

When the object is to extract the juices for beef tea 
or grav}", as in stew, the opposite course is the obvious 
one. Place the meat in cold water and gradually 
raise its temperature. Meat that has been thus ex- 
hausted becomes pale, dry, and fibery. It is worse 
than useless as food. The FrcMich peasant eats it, 
but he wisel}'- begins with the soup, which contains 
all the nutritive elements. Tlie meat merely serves 
to furnish the stomach with something solid to grind, 
which is an absolute necessity. Sawdust or rags 
would serve as well to supplement his soup. 

The slow-cooking process should be tried by all 
who dread dyspepsia. The toughest, springiest " spring 
chicken " can be metamorphosed into tenderness by 
this simple jjrolongation of treatment, and the older 
the fowl the finer the flavor. By using the double- 
vessel, now easily procurable, built on the carpenter's 
glue-pot model, the fowl or joint of meat need not 
come into contact with the hot water at all. You can 
cook it to the most delicate nicety of flavor and ten- 
derness, and a few minutes under the salamander will 



154 DINNEROLOGY : 

make the cutest epicure quite sure he is eating a deli- 
ciously roasted chicken. 

In the grilling of chops and steaks a little scientific 
knowledge works wonders. The housewife rarely if 
ever turns out a " grill " equal to the hotel cook, nor 
can she be expected to with her inferior resources. 
He has a specially constructed fireplace, with a red 
coke fire, a minimum of flame and a maximum of 
heat. His steak comes off the grill swollen in the 
middle, full of its own rich juices. The domestic 
product is oftener thinner in the middle than at the 
edge, shrunk, dried, having left its virtue to the 
coals. Mattieu Williams points out the chemical 
difference between coal flame and fat flame. Head- 
vises the cook to throw a bit of the fat from the chop 
or steak on her red fire, and when it sets up a good 
blaze plunge the chop into it, cooking it in its own 
flames for a few minutes. "In spite of its blackness 
it will be (if just warmed through to the above-named 
cooking temperature) a deliciously cooked, juicy, nu- 
tritious, digestible morsel, apparently raw, but actual- 
ly more completely cooked than if it had been held 
twice as long, at double the distance, from the surface 
of the fire." He also lays down the general principle 
that in roasting joints of meat, the smaller the joint 
the higher should be the temperature. The outside 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IK DIET. 155 

should be quickly crusted, and the inside then quickly 
cooks itself. 

Fish is better fried than boiled. Water extracts 
the juices and flavor. In frying, the fish should not 
touch the bottom of the pan. A deep vessel should 
be used, with plenty of fat, (oil is still better, if you 
can be sure it is honest olive oil) and the fish should 
be immersed in the hot fat on a wire tray, or false 
bottom, so that every part of the fish is equally in 
contact with its hot bath. 

Sir Henry Thompson holds that fish should be 
roasted or baked. In his lecture, given at the Fish- 
eries Exhibition in London, he advises that the entire 
fish should be placed in a tin or copper vessel only 
slightly deeper than its own thickness, with a lid to 
prevent the escape of the flavor, the dish to be well 
buttered, and then placed in a closed oven, and 
served in its original disli. He says that even the 
coarser kinds of fish, if cooked in this way, with a 
slice or two of bacon and garnished with some pre- 
viously boiled haricot beans, will yield not only a sav- 
ory and nutritious meal, but its nutrition will cost only 
one-third that of an average meat meal. The other 
authorities referred to agree that oven, or close-cham- 
ber cooking, call it baking, roasting, or what you will, 
yield better results than cooking before an open fire, 
from the scientific as well as from the practical point 



156 DINNER O LO G Y : 

of view. The great distinction between roasting and 
baking is that in the former, the temperature should 
be maintained at the same height right through the 
process, where in baking it steadily declines, which 
gives flabbiness and insijoidity to the meat. 

The chief value of the vegetables and salads we eat 
with our meats consists in the potash salts they yield. 
The potato retains most of these when boiled in its 
skin. Peeling lets them dissolve into the wasted 
water, and we get only the potato starch, less useful 
to our digestive apparatus than the natural salts. 
Baked potatoes are better than when steamed. 

For those who eat but scantily of salads and fruits, 
the most profitable way of eating potatoes is in tlie 
form of an Irish stew, which contains their salt. 
In this connection, Mattieu Williams says that the 
common notion as to the cheapness of the potato as 
food is a fallacy. According to Dr. Edward Smith's 
tables 2 1-2 lbs. of potatoes are required to supply the 
amount of carbon (force-givers) that is in 1 lb. of 
bread ; and 3 1-2 lbs. of potatoes to yield the nitrogen 
(muscle-formers) in 1 lb. of bread. Thus potatoes 
must be one-fourth or one-third of the price of bread 
per lb. to be really as cheap. "Potatoes," says Wil- 
liams, "contain 17 percent, of carbon; oatmeal h:is 
73 per cent. Ta]i:ing nitrogenous matter also into 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 157 

consideration, 1 lb. of oatmeal is worth 6 lbs. of po- 
tatoes." 

Bread is a very popular subject with the crowd of 
doctrinaires. You may be carried away with all 
manner of plausible theories and reasonings, and ex- 
periment upon every variety, from blackest black 
through graduated browns to the chalkiest white, and 
end with the reflection that as with governments, so 
with bread, " whate'er is best administered is best." 
There are stomachs and stomachs, livers and livers, 
tastes and tastes. Each must be his own analyst and 
his own laboratory. The chalky, fine, spongy stuff 
that is supposed to look so nice on our dinner-tables 
is — there is no mistake about this — a sham, a delu- 
sion and a snare. It is wheat robbed of its natural 
properties, whitened by art and puffed up with make- 
believe fine airs, in all which miserable qualities it 
resembles the dude and dudess of the period. On 
the other hand, the literal whole-meal is not good for 
tender or unaccustomed stomachs. Again the golden 
mean is best. Bread made from natural flour, from 
which the husk and bran has been removed, is the 
proper staff of life. It will look dirty compared with 
the artificially whitened loaf, but wise folk will eat 
to benefit their health, not to tickle their eye. 

Of late years there has been much study and ex- 
perimenting to ascertain the digestibility of the 



158 DINNEROLOGY : 

chemical ingredients of food under certain conditions. 
The adoption of the Silo system for storing fodder for 
animals gave an impetus to the question in England, 
and some of Mattieu Williams's observations in this con- 
nection are well worth notice. The storing of fodder 
as ensilage brings about a sort of cooking, or digest- 
ing of the fibrous vegetables, much as the storage of 
unripened fruit renders them, by their own chemical 
action, sweet and juicy. The same is true of the 
sauer-kraut of the Germans. Carrying the principle 
farther, he recommends that potash should be more 
freely used with vegetables. Not simply in boiling 
them, as we now do, but as part of the food we eat. 
The casein in vegetables is difficult of digestion, un- 
less aided by some alkali, and potash in its simple 
forms, as bicarbonate, answers the purpose well. 
Persons subject to gout would escape pain and peril 
by observing this very simple rule. Mr. Williams 
instances his own case„ He says : " I inherit what 
is called a lithic acid diathesis. My father and my 
brothers were martyrs to rheumatic gout, and died 
early in consequence. I had a premonitory attack of 
gout when twenty-five, and other warning symptoms 
at other times, but have kept the enemy at bay dur- 
ing 40 years by simply understanding that this lithic 
acid — stony acid — combines with potash, forming thus 
a soluble salt, which is safely excreted. Otherwise it 



OUR EXPEllIMENTS IN DIET. 159 

is deposited here or there, producing gout, rheuma- 
tism, stone, gravel and other dreadfully painful dis- 
eases, which are practically incurable when the deposit 
is fairly established. By effecting the above-named 
conabination in the blood the deposition is pre- 
vented.'^ 

But he cautions against the use of potash in com- 
bination with any mineral acid, such as sulphuric, 
nitric or hydrochloric, which are literally poisonous to 
gouty subjects. These acids fix instead of dissolve 
the salts of the potash, and create instead of destroy 
the stony acid deposits. The natural acids of fruits 
and vegetables are the only safe acids for anybody. 
When doctors forbid ' acids ' to gouty patients, they 
should distinguish between vegetable and mineral 
acids, the latter harmful, the former healthful. The 
addition of bicarbonate of potash neutralizes any ex- 
cess, real or fancied, of the acid in lemons or other 
fruit. He notes that vegetarians are remarkably free 
from lithic acid troubles. 

The same authority has a high opinion of cheese as 
food. Beckoning the percentages of phosphates and 
other elements in a good cheese compared with those 
in fresh meat, he estimates that one pound of average 
cheese contains as much nutriment as three pounds of 
the average material of the carcass of an ox or sheep 
in the butcher's shop. The difficulty is to eat a 



160 DINNEROLOGY : 

pound of cheese as easily and harmlessly as we can 
eat a pound of flesli. Cheese has only about 30 per 
cent of water, where meat has 75. 

By adding potash to the cooked dish of cheese, the 
difficulty is overcome. Long before I knew of this 
writer's experiments, Patty had learnt how to make a 
delicious dish of cheese stewed with milk, in which 
bicarbonate of potash had been dissolved. Mattieu 
Williams describes a similar dish as follows : Take 
a quarter of a pound of grated cheese, add to it a gill 
of milk, in which is dissolved as much powdered bi- 
carbonate of potash as will stand upon a ten-cent 
piece. Season with mustard, pepper, caj^enne, nut- 
meg, to taste. Heat this carefully in an enamelled 
saucepan until the cheese is dissolved. Then beat up 
three eggs, yolks and whites together, add and stir 
the whole. Butter a shallow tray or dish that will 
bear beating, pour the mixture into this and bake 
until nearly solidified. The addition of bread-crumbs 
is a great improvement, and the richness may be 
further lessened by using only one or two eggs. But 
it will be found to be a perfectly harmless and deli- 
cious dish, on which a man may do a hard day's work 
out of doors. The potash neutralizes the acids in the 
cheese and milk. The proportion of potash should be 
from an eighth to a sixth the weight of the cheese. 

Those who think they act wisely in taking fre- 
quent drinks of effervescing soda and potash waters run 



OUK EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 161 

great risks. Sulphuric acid is largely used in the 
manufacture of some of these bottled impostures, and, 
as before remarked, mineral acids are positively in- 
jurious. Besides, it is never good to drink more of 
any liquid, even if it be the purest water, than is 
absolutely required by the system, and this is very 
little beyond what we take in our food-dishes. The 
man who eats freely of fruits, and refrains from teas- 
ing his stomach with unnecessary condiments, will 
rarely feel thirsty. 

Another aid to digestion is the common extract of 
malt, which can be made at home by soaking crushed 
malt in warm water for an hour or two, and pressing 
out the liquor. Or the extract can be purchased ; but 
if so, let it be unmixed with any other preparation. 
This simple extract corresponds to, if it is not identi- 
cal with, the active principle of the secretions of the 
organs which enable cattle to digest their raw vege- 
table foods. It is called the diastase of malt, as the 
other is animal diastase. Make a very thick porridge, 
or hast)' pudding, of oatmeal, and the addition of a 
little of this malt extract will turn it liquid instantly. 
This illustrates its chemical action. The oatmeal is 
thus made easily digestible. The use of this extract, 
or the dry malt flour, in bread-making is equally 
beneficial. Some years ago an English patent was 
taken out for " malted bread," and, though it is not 
called by this tell-tale name, Patty and I have long 



162 DINNEROLOGY : 

used a " gluten," bread made in New York, which we 
are confident is just the same thing. The malt flour 
should be added to the oatmeal porridge (about one 
part to six of oatmeal) before the pot boils, as the 
conversion takes place better at a temperature of 
about 150*^. The quantity of extract should be tested 
by experiment. Added to pastrj^, rice and similar 
puddings, and even to pea and lentil soups, their di- 
gestibility is ensured. 

The question of tea-drinking again arises. One 
cup of tea or coffee is a chemical decoction which 
has a potent effect on our nervous system. The 
liquor we drink is simply a drug. Cocoa is a 
food. We eat the cocoa itself in its own broth, but we 
reject the actual tea and coffee. The principle of 
tea and coffee, called theine and caffeine, are much 
about the same thing. They stimulate for a time, and 
then leave the system in a more or less flabby con- 
dition, craving for "another of the same." Those 
persons stand the action and reaction best who 
need them least. The nervous constitution suffers 
acutely if deprived longer than usual of the custom- 
ary cup. We hear a great deal about teetotalism 
but not enough about tea-drunkenness. Tea hath its 
victories over victims no less conspicuous than rum, 
though the one is as respectable a vice as the other 
is disreputable. He is a foolish fellow who uses a 
crutch when he is able to walk without one. Those 



OUK EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 163 

who whine about the headache, the lassitude, the 
wretched-dowD-iii-the-dumps feeling that comes over 
them an hour or so before their usual tea-tippling 
time are very short-sighted if they don't see that they 
have let the habit master them. The poor wash- 
woman may be excused for ignorantly believing that 
her teapot saves money that would otherwise go into 
the soup-pot. She thinks she needs a stimulant that 
will enable her to stave off the next meal. She has 
not been shown that this very toughening of her 
digestive organs is killing their power to digest any- 
thing at all by and by. She will some day blame 
every innocent thing in the house for her "bad 
health," instead of her guilty teapot. What shall be 
said of the educated lady, lapped in luxury, who 
deliberately courts the same fate without the same 
excuse ? And what shall be thought of the accom- 
plished dame who recklessly seeks to neutralize the 
mischief wrought by her never-to-be-discarded teapot 
by the extra consumption of tonics, pickles, condi- 
ments and drugs which form a grand conspiracy with 
their friend the enemy against the well-being of their 
confiding victim ? 

For those whom tea suits, tea is, for the pres- 
ent, not particularly harmful. In proportion as it 
becomes more and more necessary, it is more and 
more injurious, morally as well as physically. If it 
sets the nerves jigging, or inspires you to sing, or 



164 DINNEROLOGY : 

fidget with your fingers, or chatter more volubly, you 
had better take the hint and set about finding out 
who is master, you or your teapot. 

Used according to need, as one uses medicines, tea 
and coffee are blessings. They become curses when 
used as regular foods, for they are not foods at all. 
Surely it is but common sense to perceive that if a 
man's health is at par, it is silly to take that which, 
by raising him for the moment above par, must 
necessarily drop him below it by and by. Why 
destroy the even balance ? Why break the golden 
mean ? But if a man finds himself below par, through 
no stupidity of his own, then there is no harm in his 
taking what will raise him up to par ; because, in 
that case, there is not the probability of a marked re- 
action. Keep tea and coffee as valuable crutches, or 
as dainty extras, but the moment you find them rob- 
bing you of your proper self-reliance, throw them away 
until j'-ou regain your mastery over them. I add a 
modern postscript to Cowper's praise of 

" The cup that cheers but not inebriates," 
to wit : 

The stomach spoils, our nerves it irritates. 

[A valuable book by Mr. Mat t ieu Williams on " The Chem- 
istry of Cookery," is i)ublished by Appletou & Co.] 



OTJR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 166 



CHAPTER X. 

PUBLIC RESTAURANTS AND BARS. 

The Impressions of a Beef-eating Briton Our Lightning 

Lunchings — Beauties of Gluttony— Fat Men's Feeding 
Clubs— Clambake Gorgings — Frenchified Fancy-feeding— 
Celebrities at the Bar — Wine-cellar Mysteries — Dr. 
Abernethy and his Yankee Patient. 

Patty's favorite cousin on her father's side (one of 
the old Vanderboompje family) had married an 
Englishman (one of the Lyttleton Bigwigs) and the 
couple had been over here on a six-months' trip. 
Being a harmless sort of fellow, and possessing some 
fancied powers of observation, I suggested that he 
should include in his inevitable book of "Impressions 
of the Americanation " (as he called it), a chapter 
about its eating and drinking peculiarities, if any 
struck his fancy. To my surprise he handed me the 
following MS. within a day or two. I read it to 
Patty, and we agreed that if ever I should write a 
book about diet, it would be fun to print this young 
Englishman's paper, just as it was written, and for 
what it may be worlh. So I will. Here it is. 



The typical New Yorker is, first and foremost, a 
bon vivcmt. " Man wants but little here below," but 



166 DINNEROLOGY : 

if he lives in the Empire City he wants it choice, 
toothsome, and four times a clay. He takes pride in 
noting his increase in weight and girth. There are 
more feasting clubs among the two millions of New 
York than among the four and a half millions of 
London. The Fat Men's Clubs flourish, if bulk is a 
sign of grace. The minimum weight per member is 
200 pounds, and the gifted soul whom his fellows 
envy tips the scale at 408 pounds. Even these have 
their j)urpose in the scheme of creation, as proving 
that elasticity of skin may be cultivated to rival that 
of conscience. At the Green Turtle Club annual 
dinner, the ablest member consumed eight plate- 
fuls of soup, to clear the way for the courses that 
followed. A talented gentleman, whose name I regret 
having forgotten, won a large wager by eating two 
quails per day for forty days in succession, and was 
proud of his newspaper fame. A young lady of 
Delaware, Miss Maggie Schruiier, won in an intellec- 
tual peach-eating competition, by disposing of nine at 
one quick operation. Not every one can rival these 
eminent performers, but there seems to be a pretty 
general training going on. 

The quantity eaten by the average American wo- 
man and man is an everlasting surprise. The rich- 
ness of the fare and the swiftness of its consumption 
make one quake. No wonder we see the twin con- 
sequences parading the streets as awful warnings to 



OUB EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 167 

the sensible, obesity, and dyspepsia. If the public 
gave a quarter of the common sense to the table that 
they give to the mirror, the reports of the latter would 
be much more pleasing than when sundry et ceteras 
are called in to give them an artful charm. The mighty 
breakfasts of porridges, meats, vegetables, coffee and 
ice water and fruits might suffice for a backwoods 
settler who is going to fell trees all day. The luncheon 
of meats, or made dishes, with piles of sickly sweet 
pastry, hot coffee and ice-water is an equally astonish- 
ing mixture, and dinner or supper, or both, present 
the same features. At the midday meals in city 
restaurants everybody drinks tea or coffee, summer 
and winter, with ice-water for contrast, and huge 
servings of jjastry, with "hard sauce" made of solid 
sugar, and soft sauce scarcely less sweet. Much as I 
like puddings I have never yet been able to demolish 
one serving, and two or three nibbles at the " hard 
sauce " make me forswear sweets for a week. 

Very few men drink beer at luncheon. When an 
English lady prefers beer to tea with her chop or 
steak, the waiters seem to suspect something is wrong. 
So there is — with the American habit. The wholly 
unnecessary consumption of ice-water and of tea with 
meats, explains the leathery look of too many Ameri- 
can women's faces. The men, many of them, seek to 
neutralize the mischief to their livers by imbibing, 
medicinally of course, sundry schnapps and cordials 



168 DINNEROLOGY : 

between meals, which add to the delights of life, no 
doubt, if they don't prolong it. 

On the other hand, there are a greater number of 
thin men than in England. I have noticed that most 
of those who lunch in the pastry-cooks' shops of New 
York are thin. They call for immense plates of 
unsubstantial buns, biscuits or fruit pies, which, with 
tea, coffee or milk, form the whole meal. There are 
in London a dozen Vegetarian restaurants where most 
wholesome and palatable hot meals can be obtained 
for as little as six cents, and I have never been able 
to eat more than twenty cents' worth, which in- 
cludes three courses. There are no such wholesome 
and frugal meals to be had in New York. If there 
were, there would be fewer pale-faced young women 
and men, and a less lamentable ignorance in the im- 
portant matter of the values and cost of foods. 

The average New York restaurant gives a better 
meal at the price than those of London. Meat is 
cheaper, but that is not the only point.. With two 
exceptions the service is better in New York, but 
these exceptions are grave ones. The disagreeable 
German habit of using the same knife to all the dishes 
in the clerks' restaurants is none the less nasty for 
the " elegance " of electro-plated blades, and the 
waiters are, as a rule, inefficient. Their condescending 
air and frequent inattentiveness — except at tip-time — 
provoke one to conservatism in that particuhir. 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 169 

Negroes make the best waiters, on the whole. When 
you look at the New York waiter and observe his 
lordly loftiness you feel that the offer of a tip would 
insult his American independence. You learn later 
that the insult consists in your mistaken respect- 
fulness. 

The average time for eating a two or three course 
lunch is fifteen minutes. You feel you must " hurry 
up/' hurry it down, and hurry out to make room for 
your betters. It is the height of fashion and good- 
manners to sally forth chewing your toothpick along 
the streets. You have the satisfaction of silently 
bragging that you have really fed, and there's much 
solace in this when you have nothing better to boast 
of. This lightning-lunching habit accounts for the 
non-existence of large cafes, such as the palatial sa- 
loons of Gatti and Monico, in London, where you can 
rest for hours, if you please, even though your only 
outlay is for a cup of coffee. A fortune awaits the man 
who will extend this bit of high civilization to New 
York. The tea served in restaurants and the Dairy 
Kitchens with what they distinguish as ^'English 
breakfast tea," is very inferior to home-made tea in 
England. The coffee is generally very good, but in 
many places the cups are quarter of an inch thick and 
without handles. But civilization will extend; give 
it time. The cake and pastry menus are highly 
poetical affairs. Sponge cake is "Angel cake," and I 



170 DINNEROLOGY : 

read of Divine pudding, Heavenly sauce, Fairy frit- 
ters, Graham gems, Dewdrop cakes, and so on. But 
the American is nothing if not rhetorical. Tomatoes 
are sometimes eaten with sugar. Cob corn munched 
in the fingers. Most "elegant" folk scoop their 
food into their mouths with their knife blades. In 
society this is not so, of course. 

The toffee shops, or "taffee and candy stores," are 
magnificent concerns. The mind of the male stranger 
mistakes them for millinery depots, so gorgeous are 
the gewgaws of satins and silks in their windows. 
Pretty girls of all ages ladle the " elegant " sweet- 
stuffs all day long and far into the late night hours, 
sweetstuffs made of rainbow hues and of every incon- 
ceivable shape, for beaux to buy for their belles, and 
the belles to crunch from morn till bedtime and after. 
That the girls and ladies of New York are not pet- 
rified into pillars of saccharine is one of the few mira- 
cles vouchsafed to us in these degenerate days. In 
summer they wade in ice-creams. One eloquent ad- 
vertisement makes a leading feature of its ice-cream 
blocks, apparently for taking with j^ou to church ! 
" Snooks's Patent Super-frozen Bricks of Ice-cream 
for Churches," etc, warranted not to melt until the 
sermon w^axes watery. That is by no means the only 
luxurious indulgence in the eating department. Not 
to mention the Clam Chowder Clubs and their great 
feasts, here is an annual "clambake " given, for a 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 171 

dollar a head, by a sporting publican, hi the " bake/' 
to give the poor clams the sense of sociability, there 
were 2,000 lobsters, 15 barrels of potatoes, 5,000 
pounds of fish, 12,000 oysters, 18,500 clams, 1,260 
spring chickens and 842 yards of tripe. Eleven 
hundred gentlemen daintily dined. When a banker 
recently employed a certain lawyer, famed equally 
for his power of jaw in talk or at table, he treated 
the man of law to several dinners at Delmonico's. 
When the lawyer's bill came in one item was "to 
attendance on five dinners, $2,000 each ; $10,000." 
It was not disclosed how much was paid to each of 
the persons concerned in carrying off the clambake. 
Talking of baking reminds me that it is very rarely 
one sets roast beef that has been roasted. The best 
substitute is but a poor apology for a cut from a suc- 
culent English sirloin. I agree with English breeders 
and diners who declare that the flavor of American 
beef and mutton is markedly inferior to English. So 
are their oysters. They run large as a rule, but the 
larger they are, the poorer the flavor, and their best 
small ones are not to be named beside an English 
"native." But they are no doubt quite as nutritious, 
and much cheaper. They average a cent each on the 
half shell, or if sent to your house opened ; whereas 
the little Colchester " native " costs seven cents each, 
taking a dozen. The delicious sole does not take to 
American waters, and of the vast variety of fish served 



172 DINNEROLOGY: 

on American tables none linger in the memory as a 
dream of delight. Much fuss is made over the shad, 
a fish whose only claim to distinction lies in the fact 
that if he had ten more bones to the square foot there 
would not be an inch of room for his flesh. 

A new occupation has been discovered for women, 
which is to imitate and rival the men who chew 
tobacco. Instead of tobacco, " chewing gum " is pro- 
vided, and it is quite a treat to see in the cars and on 
the streets so much apparent vigorous talking which 
cannot be heard. 

The " Ichthyophagous Club " exists and dines, to 
prove to epicures that there are as good fish uncooked 
as cooked. They eat a sumptuous dinner annually, 
consisting of as many outlandish and low-caste fish as 
can be got by hook or crook. Squid, skate, sea robin, 
and salamander are among the club dainties. 

The Boston baked bean is a great dish, though New 
York is jealous and sneers. Philosophers can flourish 
on this humble but most nutritious of dishes, though, 
by the way, Pythagoras, the vegetarian, found it ad- 
visable to forbid his disciples to indulge in this or 
any branch of the bean family. 

What shall I say about the drinks and drinkers 
of New York ? Its two millions of men, women, 
children and babies drink 3,895,000 barrels of beer 
every jeB,i\ The more of this light, wholesome bever 
age and the less of the generally bad, ardent spirits the 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 173 

people consume the better for public health, peace, 
and morals. The name of " drinks " is legion ; from 
the gay-colored lemon-water for the children up to 
the insane mixtures tippled by dandified clerks, there 
is not a slow or fast liquor poison known to man that 
cannot be obtained at a New York bar. Their native 
whiskies are a slander on their grand old Irish or 
Scotch ancestors. Massachusetts rum is excellent, 
and is the only spirit to be trusted, begging the Pro- 
hibitionists' pardon. The innumerable concoctions 
that have a basis of soda-water, are good to lower the 
tone of stomachs that are fed too richly, but otherwise, 
they are more than unnecessary to a healthy man 
of sense. Going along Broadway one day, I over- 
heard what New Yorkers call "a dood" urging his 
friend to " come along and try my new drink, it's 
the best after dinner tonic you ever tasted !'' 

The high estimate which not only the dude tribe 
but otherwise sensible people have for superfine fancy 
drinks may be inferred from the following. I cut 
this out of a leading daily paper of New York, which 
finds it pays, even in busy political times, to devote 
more than half a column to this sort of purely intel- 
lectual literature : 

DRINKS OF THE SEASON. 

A BAR CONCOCTION THAT COSTS MORE THAN ANT 
OTHER SINGLE MIXED DRINK. 

Mr. W. S., the clever and artistic bartender near 



174 DINNEIIOLOGY: 

the entrance to the big bridge, made his reputation 
with the gin fizz, which The Sun explained to the 
public last week, but, like every other genius, he thinks 
the world has overlooked something better than what 
it praises him for. His idea is that the best mixed 
drink he makes, and the best one in the business, is 
the mint julep. He was kind enough to make one 
while the reporter of The Sun looked on yesterday. 
As his flow of language is more lasting than that of 
his beverages, and his sayings are sharper than lemon 
juice and stronger than liquor, he had better be left 
to describe the genuine julep as he makes it. 

When he began his discourse he was blending the 
ingredients of two Manhattan Club cocktails, and it 
would have opened the reader's eyes wide to have seen 
the obelisk of glasses filled with crushed ice which he 
had reared as a pedestal for his work. It would have 
interrupted any man's breathing to have seen how he 
lifted the cocktails far above his head to pour them 
into the two glasses which he held below the edge of 
the bar, 

" The mint julep, when properly made, costs a 
dollar," he said, ^' if one estimates the amount of 
time and the cost of the materials that enter into its 
make-up. You can get a mint julep for fifteen cents, 
but it will be a scandal and a travesty upon the 
reputation of the monarch of mixed drinks. The 
mint julep is the proudest relic of the era of luxury 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 175 

in the old slave States. When properly made it was 
to Southern hospitality what a necklace of diamonds is 
to a finely dressed lady. Now please observe what I 
do to make the perfect julep, and remember, please, 
that this mint has to be fresh from the garden and 
cut with such long sprigs that it will stand upright 
above the tallest glass used in a barroom, or club, or 
house. Perhaps I should have left out the word 
barroom, for the genuine julep is not a barroom bever- 
age. It costs too much. It can only be made at home, 
or in your club.'^ 

As William spoke he selected half a dozen long 
sprigs of luxurious mint and put them, stems down, 
in a very tall glass. Then he took five less perfect 
sprigs, and stripping them, emptied their leaves in a 
smaller glass, a full sized goblet. They nearly filled 
it. He poured upon the mint about a finger of seltzer 
water and a table-spoonful of powdered sugar. 
Squeezing in the juice of half an orange and of a slice 
of pineapple, he took up his " muddler," or squeezing 
stick, and pressed the leaves and the liquid until only 
a crushed mass of leafy pulp was left beneath a dark 
green fluid, the essence of the mint. He then poured 
into the same big glass a strong finger of the very 
best brandy and a lot of crushed ice. Mixing the 
whole with a long-handled spoon, he clapped a 
strainer on the glass and emptied it into the big 
glass standing ready with its bouquet of mint 



176 DINNEROLOGY : 

leaves protruding above it like the foliage of a toy 
tree. He now filled the great glass almost to the top 
with crushed ice. Around the sides he put two thin 
slices of banana, a slice of orange, and one of 
pineapple. He poured in a taste of Jamaica rum, for 
coloring and flavor, and then added a heaping spoon- 
ful of ice cream, which he studded with strawberries 
and raspberries. Deftly handling his bar spoon he 
threw a heavy dust of powdered sugar as of snow 
all over the leaves of mint. As he did so he re- 
marked : " This is a drink that must captivate the 
eye as well as the taste." 

He inserted two straws in this singular work of 
art, and as he pushed it with a gallant motion to-- 
ward his student, it was noticed that a small, long- 
handled spoon had been left in the glass to move the 
ice with when the straws failed to yield the last of 
the beverage. ^^ That is a noble drink," said William, 
" and far too expensive for barroom purposes. It is 
rather intended to beautify a room at home or in a 
club house. It is a wholesome drink, if any alcoholic 
beverage ever was, for it gives a brisk tone to the 
stomach, and creates a splendid appetite. Too often 
the cheap mint julep of the barroom is made with 
poor whiskey, orange, sugar and mint, and if you 
change the whiskey to brandy jou have all that the 
trade can afford to sell as a good julep. But I have 
shown you how it ought to be made," 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 177 

For a few weeks in the spring of 1887, New 
York was attacked with a spasm of Sabbatarianism. 
All the hotel bars and beer saloons were rigidly closed 
by the (for this time only) vigilant police. The 
joke is that the law of the State orders Sunday clos- 
ing all the 3'ear round, but, as usual, the law is never 
enforced. It was lamentable to see the Herald and 
TFor/f? bewailing in capital headlines the "Dry Sun- 
day," "Dinners without Wine," "Not a Drop to 
Drink," "Mournful Champagne Bottles," "The Gur- 
gle of Beer only a Memory," and such like maunder- 
in gs by the column, as if the chief end of man is to get 
drunk every Sunday. 

Yet there are fewer drunkards visible in the streets 
of New York than in our English towns. Partly, 
perhaps, because the beers are less potent and the 
whiskies dearer, and partly because what drunken- 
ness there is does not show itself in force until near 
midnight. 

What struck Patty and myself most of all ware the 
observations upon drinks. And yet it ought not to 
have surprised me, who used to do my share of that sort 
of thing with the best of them. Sociability is all very 
well, but what about the sanity of swallowing the 
causes oi dyspepsia under the delusion that they are its 
cures? Of course I am no total abstainer. Not I. 
For the present enough is better, in my judgment, 
than either too little or too much. No telling what 



178 DINNEROLOGY : 

I may come to when I reach my dotage. But if we 
must " tak' a cup o' kindness yet, for auld lang syne," 
or for the cold, or the heat, or the joys or the sorrows 
of the hour, why take vitriolic spirits when soothing 
wine would be better ? 

And this tempts me to talk for a moment about the 
delusions that gather around the wine bottle. Delu- 
sions of price, of quality, of bouquet, of virtue. I. 
shall draw again upon the facts adduced by Mattieu 
Williams. He declares that the average price of the 
average quality of good new-made wine in the wine dis- 
tricts of Europe does not exceed twelve cents a gallon, 
which is two cents a bottle. In Sicily and Calabria 
he paid one cent for a half pint glass of wine, thin 
but genuine. The same in Spain. The dollar and a 
quarter bottle of rich port, specially prized by " con- 
noisseurs " who don't know more than is told them, 
costs two cents for the original wine, two cents more for 
cost of storage and labor, twelve cents for duty and 
carriage to England, and four cents for bottling, mak- 
ing a total of twenty cents, the balance being spent 
on what he calls " cookery " of the wine, and trade 
profits. 

Be this as it may we all know that whines whicli 
used to be matured by age, are now " cooked " by chem- 
ical processes that " age " them in a month. Dry 
sherries are the most dangerous wines, especially for 
gouty persons. The secrets of its sophistication, and 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 179 

« 
that of all wines, can be ascertained by those who 

really wish to know. The secrets are tolerably open 
secrets now. Wines can be made, and are every day 
made, to suit the whims and fashions of the hour, but 
an honest, natural grape wine will never vary its 
natural appearance to suit the eye, nor need it ever 
be an exjDensive luxury. The wine merchant, if he 
cares to, can supply an honest wine at a seemingly ab- 
surd low price, and clear a larger profit than by selling 
the " cooked " fashionable substitute for honest wine. 
Try him on. 

We laugh at the boys and girls who are fascinated 
by the magenta and purple-tinted lemonades sold at 
the street stalls, scented in the bargain, all for a cent 
a glass. And then we, "connoisseurs," gravely wend 
our way to our wine merchant's office, solemnly sample 
some of his " biggest ^' importations, smack our lips 
knowingly over its " tawny " flavor, wax eloquent 
over its color, rave over its bouquet, and experience 
the acme of bliss on learning that it will cost just five 
dollars fifty per bottle ! " Dear to drink ? Ah, but 
dirt cheap, my boy, to talk about ! " 

We take our wines slowly, but, says our English 
critic, we do our eating rapidly enough. Well, that's 
no new discovery, anyway. Now, here is a piece my 
father cut out of an Edinburgh newspaper, on his first 
trip to Europe, more than fifty years ago. 

The Hon. Alden G — , an American gentleman, was 



180 DIKNEROLOGY : 

a dyspeptic, suffering much uneasiness after eating. 
He went to the famous, but eccentric, Dr. Abernethj 
for advice. 

"What's the matter with you ? '' says he. 

" Why," says Alden, " I presume I have the dys- 
pepsia." 

" Ah ! " said he, " I see ; i Yankee swallows more 
dollars and cents than he can digest." 

" I am an American Citizen,'' says Alden, with 
great dignity ; " Pm Secretary to your Legation at 
the Court of St. James's." 

" The devil you are," said Abernethy, " then you'll 
soon get rid of your dyspepsia." 

" I don't see that inference," says Alden ; " it don't 
follow from what you predicate at all ; it ain't a nat- 
ural consequence, I guess, that a man should cease to 
be ill, because he is called by the voice of a free and 
enlightened people to fill an important office." (The 
truth is, you could no more trap Alden than you 
could an Indian. He could see other folks' trail, and 
made none himself ; he was a real diplomatist, and, I 
believe our diplomatists aro allowed to be the best in 
the world.) 

"But I tell you it does follow," said the doctor ; 
" for in the company you'll have to keep, you'll have 
to eat like a Christian." 

It was an everlasting pity Alden contradicted him, 
for he broke out like one raving distracted mad. 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 181 

^a'll be d— d/' said he, "if ever I saw a Yankee 
that didn't bolt his food whole, like a boa-constrictor. 
How the devil can you expect to digest food, that 
you neither take the trouble to dissect, nor time to 
masticate ? It's no wonder you lose your teeth, for 
you never use them; nor your digestion, for you over- 
load it ; nor your saliva, for you expend it on the 
carpets instead of your food. It's disgusting ; it's 
beastly. You Yankees load your stomachs as a Devon- 
shire man does his cart, as full as it can hold, and as 
fast as he can pitch it in with a dung fork, and drive 
off ; and then you complain that such a load of com- 
post is too heavy for you. Dyspepsia, eh ! infernal 
guzzling, you mean. I'll tell you what, Mr. Secretary 
of Legation, take half the time to eat that you do to 
drawl out your words, chew your food half as much 
as you do your filthy tobacco, and you'll be well in a 
month." 



182 DINNEROLOGY 



CHAPTER XI. 

betweejst-meal aids to health. 

Our Talented Editor Elicits our Opinions. — What we think 
about Interviewing, Drinking, Fast-Eathig, Smoking, 
Exercise, Dressing, Housekeeping. 

Editor Quillcraft dropped in the other evening 
to ask me if I would consent to be " interviewed" on 
the new-fangled diet notion which was setting every- 
body talking. Now, I hold peculiar views about this 
interviewing business, much more peculiar than my 
common-sense ideas upon food. I am old-fashioned 
enough to think that the training of well-bred young 
men to fawn and play the flunkey before the ill-bred 
vulgarian who happens to iiave boodled his way into 
political position, is a degrading danger to social life, 
and that his supposed success in this line is the true 
measure of his failure as a journalist. The back-door 
pryings, brazen button-holings, ignominious trackings, 
and the idiotic balderdash that is substituted for 
news are a literal copy of the newspapers and news- 
paper methods of the last century. Have American 
editors never heard of one Sheridan who drew the 
picture of a typical reporter of the period under the 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 183 

name of Snake ? If Paul Pry is to be the revered 
patron saint of the newspaper fraternity, then, I 
think, self-respecting citizens who mean to be free 
men in this free land will have to sit down hard on 
those who brazenlj^ invade our privacy to scrape in a 
dollar by selling our secrets to the public. I know 
very well that the only thing that makes us tolerate 
the degradation is our vanity. We are flattered by 
the advertisement ; we fancy we are " somebody '^ 
when the newspaper sets our neighbors laughing at 
our conceit in fancying that anybody cares a banana 
peel what our opinion is upon Smith's view of Brown's 
objection to Jones's amendment to Robinson's motion 
on Snooks's spat with the Hon. Bill Buggins. So 
you will guess that I did not receive Mr. Quillcraft as 
a disinterested benefactor. 

" Come right in," I said to him, " sit down ; here's 
a first-rate cigar, and now please favor me by con- 
sidering yourself as having been kicked out into the 
gutter, where some interviewers find themselves per- 
fectly at home ! " 

"Why, this seeming inhospitality ?" 

" For Quillcraft, the man, I have the profoundest 
respect — ^you are welcome as my hearty old friend and 
neighbor, but to Quillcraft, the professional Paul 
Pry, I can only administer the most masterly meta- 
phorical kick a sprained ankle can rise to. This is gen- 
uine seven-year-old Irish — not a headache in a hogs- 



184 DINNEROLOGY : 

head of it, so tliej say way down Blarneyj where it 
came from." 

Having gotten well rid of the interviewing ogre, I 
had a very delightful hour or so with the brilliant 
editor. All newspaper writers are "brilliant," at 
least, every one says all the others are. Our conver- 
sation rambled easily along through the pleasant 
paths leading to my favorite studies. He was really 
what they call a " charming conversationalist." He 
let me do all the talking. I don't know about his ear 
for music, but he certainly had two extraordinary 
long ones for listening. Of course, our chat was 
quite private. If I had the least suspicion that any 
of it was being treasured up for print it would not 
have come off, that's certain. I confess it pleased me 
to learn that my opinions were highly valued by a 
person so acute as my worthy friend Quillcraft. It 
does a man good to know that his qualities are most 
appreciated hy his cleverest friends. I felt that in 
impressing some of my well-pondered conclusions 
upon a public instructor of Mr. Quillcraft's eminence, 
I might be beneficially influencing thousands upon 
thousands who are more or less swayed by his 
masterly pen. This led me to speak with a sense of 
freedom and confidence that can never be enjoyed 
by one who condescends to be " interviewed " for 
print. Remarking that the whiskey was wonder- 
fully quiet, considering it came from the turbulent 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 185 

" gim of the say," my friend asked what I thought of 
the drinking customs of society. 

Well, I said, I regard what is called the temper- 
ance question as a question of diet on the one side 
and morals on the other. We all agree that exces- 
sive indulgence is an immorality, but so is excessive 
indulgence in eating, only we feel a delicacy in con- 
demning ourselves for our favorite sin. For one 
drunkard who drinks himself to death there are a 
hundred unconscious gluttons who munch themselves 
nlong the path of dyspepsia into a grave that is hidden 
under the alias of some disease. Over-fill a balloon 
with gas and it bursts, over-load a ship and it sinks, 
over-crowd a street car and somebody's toes get trodden 
upon. Give any organ in the human frame too much 
to do and it weakens or breaks under the strain. 
Keep on over-straining it and it will give way, slowly, 
if you overstrain it but little at a time, but surely, if 
3^ou keep doing it for years. The advantage of in- 
toxicants is that they ring their own alarm bell, let- 
ting you, and all around 3^ou, know when you are 
"full." It's a pity pies, puddings, and all our foods 
don't have some automatic signal in them, to serve 
the same useful purpose ; there would not be nearly so 
much over-eating then. I wonder our teetotal friends 
don't go about chanting the praise of alcohol for pro- 
claiming its dangers so philanthropically. We drink 
from necessity, and we drink for pleasure. The more 



186 DTNNEROLOGY : 

fresh fruit we eat the less our thirst. I believe the drink- 
ing of impure water, iced with impure ice, Lreeds more 
disease than water into which a little good whiskey is 
put to kill the bacteria germs. Excess either way is 
bad, especially in entertaining animalculse in our in- 
sides unawares. I believe in temperance, not in in- 
temperate teetotal intolerance. Given self-control 
and self-respect, a man should be free to act on his 
own judgment, liable to be punished if he interferes 
with the rights of any other free man. For m^^self, 
friend Quillcraft, I try to strike the golden mean ; 
not whiskey only, not water only, but a gracious blend 
of both these good gifts of Providence. 

He asked me whether I had any views upon the 
alleged habit Americans have of eating too fast. I 
told him there was no disputing the fact. A visit to 
any down-town restaurant settles the question. For 
those who like dyspepsia nothing could be more 
successful than this hurry-up way of hurrying down 
victuals. ' It is not dining, nor is it eating, for these 
belong to the fine arts. It is hog-feeding on two legs. 
The contrast between the dandyism of these men in 
their clothing and their boorishness in eating is one 
of those m^^steries I hope to see explained on the 
Judgment Day. The exquisite manners exhibited by 
the back-country holiday maker, who goes through 
the streets chewing a toothpick to advertise that he 
has been able to afford a fifty cent lunch, are another 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 187 

puzzle. When I look at him I fancy he must have 
the uneaten remains stowed away in his hat, ready 
to begin again when he reaches a doorstep, for a gen- 
tleman never parades his toothpick outside his dining 
room. 

" How if he carries a cigarette in his lips ? " 
A capital disinfectant for his toothpick manners. 
The virtuous vice of smoking needs no defence in this 
free country, but the right to expectorate on your 
neighbor's shoes or his wife's silk dress is quite a pop- 
ular delusion. There is no such right, nor even the 
right to soil and disfigure the public sidewalks where 
ladies promenade. There are no such rights for gen- 
tlemen ; others claim them, and we ought to thank 
them for marking the distinction so clearly. If a man 
is so miserably organized that he cannot let his salivary 
glands do their natural work in their natural way, he 
has far too little of the Man in him to trust himself with 
a cigar. So that, either the gentlemanliness or the vir- 
ility of the spitting smoker is all wrong, or perhaps 
both. I think of inventing a neat portable cuspidor, to 
be worn like a respirator, for saliva-stricken smokers. 
Hygienically and artistically I guess it would be a 
sweet boon. The ease with which it might display an 
enamelled coat-of-arms or monogram in gold would 
reconcile the most fastidious to its adoption. Public 
decency might suffice for others. 

Talking of the cigarette, have you noticed how cer- 



188 DINNEROLOGY : 

tain newspapers have been paid of late to head their 
frightfullest paragraphs like this — " Suicide through 
cigarette smoking," " Sudden Death through " ditto ; 
"Awful Railroad Disaster through " ditto ; "Terrible 
Mortality in the Infant Asylum through" ditto ; "A 
Nonagenarian's Career cut short through " ditto / 
" A Fearful Earthquake in Timbuctoo through " ditto, 
etc. When you see any more of these exquisite jokes 
just reflect how hard the wicked cigarette is upon the 
cigar-maker's business. He must figure up whether 
he had better give up, change his factory system and 
make cigarettes, or "pull" the pullable papers. The 
wise cigar-maker keeps on making his good cigars 
better than ever before, and holds his tongue. A cigar 
has, say ten times as much deleterious nicotine in it 
as an ordinary cigarette. Which is the stronger? 
The cigar has a leaf that has been soaked in dirty 
liquor, fingered by dirty hands, pasted with dirty 
paste, and this we suck in our mouths. The cigarette 
has a bit of clean paper. Which is the nicest ? The 
sucking of a cigar end will yet be commonly confessed 
to be the filthiest performance in the vegetable-chew- 
ing line an ordinary eater does in a life-time. It is 
harmful as well, but the other objection is the stronger 
one. If mouth-tubes were used this objection would 
die. Dr. Wm. A. Hammond, late Surgeon-General of 
the army, says, in a recent article on smoking, "As 
to cigarette smoking, properly practiced and with due 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 189 

regard to moderation, and provided also that pure 
tobacco be used, I cannot see how it is more injurious 
than cigars or pipes." 

A clean pipe, or better still, a succession of clean 
pipes, is by far the best plan for strong smokers. 
Lunatics who chew the cigarette by the score or hun- 
dred a day are as well shelved by that as by any other 
stupidity. But the cigarette is and always will be 
the safest, cleanest, least harmful, and most conve- 
nient way of using tobacco for temperate men. The 
sturdy Turk, bravest of all brave soldiers, hardiest of 
all hardy toilers, is a cigarette smoker from his cradle 
to his grave. So are Spaniards, Frenchmen, Greeks 
— but why enumerate almost all the nations ? I have 
been a smoker of cigarettes and nothing else ever since 
my college days, and still my patriarchal form is not 
bowed before the storm of the jealous cigar trade. 
Prove all things, hold fast that which is good, i. e. 
the cigarette made of the best tobacco by your own 
hands, smoked while fresh, and always through a 
a mouthpiece. I have spoken. 

" Don't you think exercise has a deal to do with 
the good or bad effects of our eating, drinking, and 
smoking habits ? " 

Exercise is the alpha and omega of the dietetic 
alphabet. It is more than a cure, because it can be a 
preventive of almost every trouble these things cause. 
Let us think of it squarely. Our bodies are machines 



190 DINNEROLOGY ; 

driven hj steam power. Our stomachs are the engine 
boilers. We feed the furnaces with a certain, or, 
rather, with an uncertain quantitj^of fueh The boiler 
does its work in making the steam, which the engine 
takes up and uses to make its wheels go round. But 
it passes the power along to the machine it is sup- 
posed to drive. Then all goes well. But if the ma- 
chinery of our limbs and organs is allowed to stag- 
nate with disuse, it is not only a waste of power but 
a positive injury to the whole structure, to go on cram- 
ming the boiler-furnace with more fuel than it uses. 
If we eat we must work, and in real earnest if we eat 
freely or stimulatingly. We see people every day, 
women, men, and even children, whose wizened faces 
show that they prefer to let off their steam in over- 
working their nerves rather than in reasonably work- 
ing their muscles. Well, it's a free country to this 
extent at least, we needn't be sensible if we don't 
want to. Think what lessons and " awful examples " 
we should lose if the tribe of obliging fools were to 
die out ! 

There are shrewd people wdio trade upon this prev- 
alent or fashionable aversion to common sense exer- 
cise. They furnish elegant parlor inventions for 
playing at w-ork. You catch hold of handles and 
watch a gilded seven or ten pound weight slide up and 
down over a pulley as you tenderly move your muscles. 
Nothing could be nicer than this mild apology for 



OUE EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 191 

health exercise. It is quite as delightful as writing 
an erotic shocker under the flattering delusion jou are 
exerting a brain. 

There is only one way of exercising, and that is the 
way of nature. It gives each muscle and organ a voice 
that asks us to give it work when it needs it. Listen, 
obey, and you will need no books nor rigmarole 
articles by advisers who have advice or inventions to 
sell. The first and best exercise is that of walking, 
which brings every part into play just enough and 
none too much. If our women, young and old, would 
cultivate sufficient sense and strength of mind to defy 
custom, wear sensible flat-footed shoes, and loose 
clothes, and make up their minds to take a good, free, 
swinging five-mile walk every morning for a month, 
they would find that kind Mother Nature would free 
their bodies from aches and pains, and reward their 
confidence in her health-giving powers by painting 
their prettj'- faces with an exquisite bloom utterly be- 
yond the alchemy of the quack face-disfigurers. 
After a year or two of honest walking exercise, (never 
to be mechanically done when disinclined or ailing) it 
will be time enough for every-day folk, such as most 
of us are, to consider the needless risks of the more 
violent and less natural strainings of the gymnasium. 

Better to roam the fields for health unboiight 
Than fee the doctors for a nauseous draught, 
The wise, for cure, on exercise depend ; 
God never made His work for man to mend. 



192 DINNEROLOGY : 

"You spoke of ladies' clothing — " 

Yes, or, to speak more accurately, their dress, for 
it is not always clothing. They are giving more at- 
tention of late years to the question of how to combine 
ease, comfort and elegance, and, so far as the first 
layer, there have been some successful improvements. 
But the unseen has still to play second fiddle to the 
seen, and is likely to do until fashion reverts, perhaps, 
to one of the primitive modes, in which the simplicity 
had a tendency to drive all other artistic considera- 
tions out of sight. The Queen Anne farthingale 
appears to contemplate its own resurrection, a highly 
convenient waist-shelf for ladies who like to turn 
themselves into a walking tea-table for the company. 
At present, aspirants are only able to carry one small 
tray, and that not in the place of honor in the van. 
Tight lacing does not exist. Everj^ lady assures me it 
does not, unless it be in the next house. When it did, 
somewhere back in the earlj'- years of the century, it was 
a riddle of the period to ask why a wasp-waist either 
caused or was caused by a cherry-nose. Nobody could 
guess, every woman gave it up, and a mystery it re. 
mains unto this day. I know there are no artificial 
wasp-waists now, because there are no cherry-tipped 
noses — unless the puff slipped that way. There is 
not a sensible woman in the land to-day who does not 
keenly realize that extremes in any direction have a 
reaction of ridicule, or loss, or physical suffering of 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 193 

some sort. In clothing, both of women and men but 
particularly of the former, the golden mean is again 
the path of safety in every sense. Fabrics chosen for 
warmth, lightness and softness rather than pattern or 
fashion, and made to give comfort rather than to ape 
French pictorial impossibilities, this is the wise 
woman's chief concern. 

" Would you advise ladies to share the duties of the 
kitchen to any extent with their help ? '' 

Certainly, and to a considerable extent. First, 
because the " help " need a great deal more real help 
than they get, or sometimes give, help in mastering 
the meaning of cookery, help in acquiring correct 
ideas of taste in dress, and help in overcoming the 
pitiable pride that makes them ashamed to admit that 
they are servants, doing the honorable duty of serving 
those who pay them for service. You are a servant, 
I am a servant, the President is a servant, and we 
don't blush with shamefacedness when we talk of 
serving our employers. We don't merely " help," we 
do the grander thing, we serve and minister to our 
masters. Tliis cant of false sentiment strikes me as 
.thoroughly and disgustingly, un-American, yes, un- 
womanly and unmanly. So I would have a republic 
in each household, all being on an equality as regards 
their duties, rights and responsibilities to the domes- 
tic government, but all with a clear appreciation of 
their several aptitudes and qualifications, which is 



194 DINNEROLOGY : 

nature's own way of classifying us all, according to 
our native worth. On this understanding, the Presi- 
dent and Presidentess would interchange views and 
experiences with their officers and ministers, for the 
common welfare, and tliese would no longer feel that 
honorable service loses its dignity by being service. 
But I only intended to remark that if housewives 
would regard and treat their servants as royalties and 
presidents regard and treat their ministers and officers, 
there would be a great deal less friction and a good 
deal more home-likeness in our homes. It is for our 
wives to start the reformation. 

" Then I understand, that you want the ladies to 
share some part of the household duties, manual labor, 
more or less ? '^ 

By all means, the more the better. Because of all 
forms of exercise, the everj^day work of the home is 
about the best a woman can do, in the way of actual 
work. The wives of farm laborers and cottagers, in 
humble circumstances, are, as a rule, healthier and 
more robust than the wives of the rich, notwithstand- 
ing their plain, if not scant}^, food ; lam inclined rather 
to say because of it. The making of beds, sweep- 
ing of carpets, and moving of tables and chairs is the 
best gymnastic training any woman could have. An 
occasional trot up and down stairs would prevent or 
probably do much to cure dyspepsia. That's why 
women prefer to live in houses with elevators. 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 195 

You are not going already, are you, Quillcraft ? 
Well, if you must, you must, I suppose, but I've en- 
joyed our talk immensely, my friend. It does any of 
us good to hear a sensible man talk sense, you know. 
Well, good-night ; be sure and do the good Samaritan 
by that interloping interviewer I kicked into the gut- 
ter there — he's one of your own gang, don't you know. 
Ha ! you don't catch me giving into Mr. Paul Pry 
Interviewer ! Oh, no, not much ; good-night, good- 
night I 



196 DINNEROLOGY : 



CHAPTER XII. 

THE RETURN TO SIMPLICITY. 

We Review our Experiences— We have Profited in Health and 
Pocket.— National Losses and Dangers from Individual 
Luxury.— Wliy Buy from Foreigners the Foods We 
Ought to Grow for Ourselves ?— Personal, Commercial, 
Patriotic Reasons for a Return to Plain Living and 
National Health. 

Talking over the results of our second year's experi- 
ment in simple, but practically unrestricted living, 
Patty and T cordially agreed that we had managed to 
strike the golden mean we used to aim at. We were 
hoth in perfect health, we were able to walk our ten 
miles a day with nothing but pleasure and benefit, 
and we did it perhaps twice a week the year round, 
besides a minimum of five every day, as a duty. We 
had reduced every superfluous ounce of flesh. The 
children looked models of physical beauty, a thing we 
were far prouder of than mere doll prettiness. We 
enjoyed all we ate and we ate all we wanted in the 
way of dainties, both of food and drinks. The kitchen 
folk were as content as we were, and our friends 
seemed to enjoy our little dinners and suppers more 
than ever. And the best of it was, speaking now from 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 197 

the financial stand point, we had 1700 in hand, clear 
saving, to start the new year, there were $28 more, 
which enabled Patty to thank our cook and housemaid 
for their co-operation in her own tasteful way. Of 
course we decided to keep on so good a track, the 
experimental stage was over. We were often urged by 
our friends to make a little book of our experiences. 

" Adcentures in a Dining-Boom ! Oh ! wouldn't 
it be fun, just ! George, dear, you shall write a book ! 
You know you are longing to show " 

"Patty ! " 

In some of my moods levity distresses me. This 
was one of them. The reflections our calculations had 
stirred in my mind were soaring to loftier regions than 
those of after-dinner frivolity. If ever a person of in- 
telligence does deviate into imbecility, it is when he 
stands up to chatter to the clinking of his friends' 
glasses. Patty never got to that. She kept her seat, 
the next wisest thing to keeping one's post-prandial wit 

"to one's self. 

"Patty you know, in your lucid intervals, that, 

neither you nor I have the least fitness in the world 
for authorship. It's one thing to talk,— some of us 
excel in that ;— it's another thing to utter consecutive 
thoughts in an effective way for an hour, a few have 
that gift, but neither of us could— and I'm quite 
sure we won't— go into the ' popular ' book-making 
business." 



198 DINNEROLOGY : 

" Bless its ruffled feathers ! it was only being encour- 
aged to try a flutter out of its gilded cage, poor dear 
magpie ! — Now George, kiss me and stop my nonsense. 
— There, now go ahead with your — ' Heflections on 
Things in General ' / " I did. She was good as 
gold in a minute. 

" Hasn't it struck you, my dear Patty, how this 
simple experiment of ours bears upon some of the 
gravest problems of our commonwealth ? Wherever 
we look we see social convulsions, evolutions, perhaps 
revolutions in process. As our people multiply, and 
invite foreign immigrants to come and settle perma- 
nently here, they are finding out that three are 
scarcely so comfortable as two, unless, or until, the 
two acres that feed them grow into three or yield a 
third more. The town laborers are making a similar 
discovery in the matter of wages. The employers are 
discovering that there are limits to production, because 
there are limits to purchasing power and therefore to 
profits. The prosperity everybody has been enjoy- 
ing makes it hard to lop off our indulgences, reason- 
able though they may have been. Harder still for 
the toilers to see their comforts pinched while luxury 
flaunts itself more exultingly than ever in the face of 
poverty. Luxury, too, which surpasses the wildest 
fancies of our ancestors. Just about the time when 
the Pilgrim Fathers stepped on to Plymouth Eock, 
old George Wither was satirizing the mischievous 



OUR EXPEKTMENTS IN DIET. 190 

growth of luxiuy, which Goldsmith a hundred yenvs 
later rebuked so pathetically in the Deserted Vil- 
lage. The picture drawn by Wither has a histori- 
cal interest and, perhaps, a present moral that justify 
its repetition here. 

The Diet we are grown unto of late 

Excels the Feasts that men of high estate 

Had in times past, for there's both flesh and fish, 

With many a new devised disli. 

For bread they can compare with Lord and Knight, 

They have both ravel' d, manchet, brown, and white, 

Of finest wheat; their drinks are good and stale, 

Of perry, cider, mead, metheglin, ale, 

Of beer they have abundant, but then 

This does not serve the richer sort of men ; 

They with all sorts of foreign wines are sped, 

Their cellars are oft fraught with white and red, 

Be it Italian, French, Spanish, if they crave it, 

Nay, Grecian or Canarian, they may have it, 

Cete, Pument, Yervage, if they so desire, 

Or Romney, Bastard, Capricke, Osey, Tire, 

Muscadell, Malmsey, Clarcy — what they will, 

Both head and belly each may have their fill. 

Then if their stomachs do disdain to eat 

Beef, mutton, lamb, or suchlike butcher's meat, 

If that they cannot feed of capon, swan, 

Duck, goose, or common household poultry, then 

Then their storehouse will not very often fail 

To yield them partridge, pheasant, plover, quaile, 

Or any dainty foul that may delight 

Their gluttonous and beastly appetite. 

So they are pampered while the poor man starves, 

Yet there's not all; for custards, tarts, conserves, 

Must follow too, and yet they net be lot 

For suckets, march-panes, nor for marmalet, 

Fruits, Florentines, sweet sugar- meats and spices, 

With many other idle, fond devices 



200 DINNEROLOGY : 

Such as I cannot, name, nor care to know; 

And then, besides the taste, this made for show, 

For they must have it colored, gilded, printed 

With shapes of beasts and fowls, cut, pinched, indented, 

So idly, that in my conceit 'tis plain 

They are both foolish and exceeding vain, 

And howsoe'er they of Religion boast, 

Their belly is the God they honor most. 

The fare that was luxurious two hundred and fifty 
years ago is ahuost sneered at by the professional 
ward jDolitician of our day, and the change is proudly 
instanced as evidence of national prosperity. I sup- 
pose tlie miles of columns of advertisements of quack 
nostrums for curing dyspepsia point the same noble 
moral. So do our Sybarite banquets in the halls of 
Dives, decked with " floral pieces " nineteen feet in 
circumference, and a centre Cake eight feet high, that 
cost a thousand dollars, at which each cup of concocted 
wine is worth a dollar and a half, and each " favor " 
bestowed upon the guests is a jeweled gold toy worth 
fifty. 

Patt}^ ! when I read of atrocities like this in the 
papers I think of 

The grandeur that was Greece, 
And the glory that was Rome," 

and of old France, now celebrating another '89. 

Look at the toothsome preliminaries to the making 
of the loathsome Pates de Foie Gras, as lovingly 
dwelt on by the elder Alexandre Dumas, in his 
DictioQinaire de Cuisine. He lays it down that the 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 201 

liver of the bird can only be fattened by the tumefac- 
tion of that organ, and that for pie-making purposes 
the goose livers should be ten or twelve times the 
normal size. To secure this torture he says that the 
wretched bipeds are nailed by their web-feet to boards, 
in a heated room, that their eyes are put out, and that 
they are incessantly stuffed with pounded nuts, 
and deprived of water. The earthy truffles that ac- 
company these swollen livers in the pie remind me 
that in a district fitly-named Solitude, in Ashe 
County, N. C, there are people who find a delicacy in 
eating the clay itself. A recent visitor records his 
talks with these primitive American Hottentots. He 
describes them as lean and lank-visaged specimens of 
humanity. He handled some of their "eatin clay," 
taken from a bank near the shanty. It had "an oily 
feeling, inodorous and rather insipid, the chemical 
compounds of which were water, silica and alumina, 
firm and compact, slightly tinged with the color of 
iron." One winter, the tribe practically subsisted on 
this clay for three weeks at a stretch. Which is the 
savage, the clay eater or the goose torturer ? 

We have viewed what we call " The Eeturn to Sim- 
plicity" in living, at least as regards diet, from the 
Personal standpoint, and we have proved its immense 
advantage. We have included in that its Economical 
gain to ourselves, but we should also consider its 
Commercial aspect. 



202 dinnerology: 

Luxurious eating and drinking means an extensive 
importation of foreign products. In proportion as we 
import, we cease to produce. Middle-men profit by 
importing goods, but our home producers and makers 
don't. Now, consider this, if you buy goods which 
are grown or made by our own working-people, you 
are helping them to earn their living. The soil is the 
ultimate source of all men's support, and agriculture is 
the direct support of an immense proportion of our 
people — about ten millions. With all our millions of 
untilled acres, (540,000,000 acres of farmed land in 
1880, out of 1,815,000,000) and with five hundred 
thousand immigrants pouring into our country every 
year, it seems strange, it seems wrong, and perilous, 
that we have to import from foreign countries food- 
stuffs which can and should be raised by ourselves. 

In the year ending June 1887 we imported 

Eggs 14 million dozens. 

Lake and kiver fish 28 " pounds. 

Barley 10 " bushels. 

Plums and prunes . 71 " pounds. 

Hops 17 " " 

Eice 90 " " 

Cheese 7 '• " 

Potatoes iK " bushels. 

If it is "prosperity" that has turned the peoplj 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 203 

against that best of flesh-and-muscle-formiiig foods — 
Cheese, they may yet live long enough to thank the day 
of adversity for reconciling them again to one of the 
three truest friends a poor or a rich man can have. 
This country produced in 1860, 103, 663,927 lbs. ; in 
1870, 53,492,153 lbs. 5 in 1880, 27,272,489 lbs., or 
only one-tenth of what it produced twenty years be- 
fore, allowing for the increase of population. Which 
shows that in the multitude of feeders there is not 
always wisdom, nor does common' sense necessarily 
increase with the years. I am inclined to think that 
if the people as a whole were to drop fancy-feeding 
for plain living, there would arise so great a demand 
for the health-giving products of our own home farms, 
that surplus capital and labor would combine to force 
our American earth to yield her increase, and there 
would be food and work for all. 

But the Personal and the Commercial blend and 
expand into the Patriotic argument for the Return 
to Simplicity. We love to boast of our greatness, of 
the vastness of our territory, of its infinite possibili- 
ties, of our material prosperity and our national pro- 
gress. Perhaps some of our boasting is premature. 
What is gained by proclaiming that "the entire 
wheat crop of the United States could be grown in 
that part of Texas " which would be left as a margin 
if the entire German Empire were placed in it, when, 
as a fact, the whole of the United States . fail to grow 



204 DINNEROLOGY : 

enough potatoes, barley, rice and hops to feed our 
people ? 

Mr. I. Eichard Dodge, of the U. S. A. Department 
for Agriculture, cautions us against drawing false con- 
clusions because we export a surplus of some of our 
farm products. '^ No doubt it is well to swell the 
plethora of national wealth while relieving needy 
nations ; but on the other hand, it tends to the over- 
production of certain crops, with the inevitable result 
of reducing prices for the benefit of the foreign pur- 
chaser without any corresponding advantage to the 
producer.'^ Mr. Dodge says that our surplus is gen- 
erally exaggerated. He puts the value of our agri- 
cultural exports, at farm prices, at $400,000,000, 
while we have to import $375,000,000 to supply our 
deficiency. " This is the net result of our boast of 
feeding the nations (he says) ; we feed them just a 
little more than they feed us." The lesson he draws 
from these facts is that we cannot afford to have a 
deficiency of the raw products of agriculture. We 
should try to sup|;ly our deficie'icies rather than swell 
surplus crops, to meet our present domestic wants and 
create i;ew wants b}'' producing a greater variety of 
edible products, especially fruits. After we have done 
this national duty to ourselves, then it wiil be early 
enough to begin selling our surplus crops to foreign- 
ers at a loss to our farmers. 

True patriotism should make us well-wishers of our 



OUR EXPERIMENTS IN DIET. 205 

fellow citizens as well as of our institutions. They 
have bodies as well as votes, and we must not expect 
impure or imperfect feeding to produce perfect health, 
nor an ailing body to develop a philosophic mind, 
either in a politician or any of his followers. The 
cultivation of simplicity of life clears both mind and 
body of hampering distractions that have no compen- 
sations for the delights they destroy. The silly craze 
for the costly becaiiseit is costl}', for the incongruous 
or the outrageous because our rich neighbor, whom it 
befits, possesses it, these are the cankers that eat the 
heart out of any stupid society that persists in mis- 
taking apishuess for progress, and inflation for happi- 
ness. Greater is the happiness, purer the ambition, 
profounder the common sense of the man who can 
say — " My richness consists, not iu the extent of my 
possessions, but in the fewness of my wants. ^^ 

" See here, George, if you don't say all this right 
over to me again to-morrow, so that I can take down 
notes and make a book of it — all by my own self, I 
shall think you are real mean!'' 

But I guess I won't, all the same. 



Belford, Clarke &- Co.'s New Books, 



Woman the Stronger. By W. J. Flagg. 12mo, cloth, $1.00; 
paper cover, 50 cents. 

" An unique sort of a book." — Albany Express. . 

" The book is delightful in its wild freshness and strong local cofor." 

—N. Y. Truth: 
" True to life. Is founded largely on facts, and is charmingly told." 

— Pittsburgh Press. 

Poems of Passion. By Ella Wheeler Wilcox. Edition de Luxe. 
Cloth, $4.00 ; full Morocco, $7.50. Small 12mo, 27th edition, red 
cloth, $1.00. 

"The poems fully deserve the handsome setting in this beautiful book." 

— Chicago Inter-Ocean. 

" Mrs. Wilcox's poems are all rich in ideas. She often condenses a whole 
page in a stanza, and leaves the great truth sparkling and clearer than the 
orator would make it in a labored argument." — Chicago Herald. 

Poems of Pleasure. By Ella Wheeler Wilcox. Small 12mo, 
red cloth, $1.00. 

"Mrs. Wilcox in this collection runs the whole gamut of the emotions. 
She is decidedly the most successful of the poetesses of the present day." 

— Baltimore American. 

" Contains many of the writer's most delicate and refined fancies and self- 
communings. ' ' — N. O. Tivi es- Democrat. 

Maurine and Other Poems. By Ella Wheeler Wilcox. With 

Photogravure of the Author. 12mo, cloth, $1.00. ' 

" This edition embraces the best specimens of her work, and is graced 
by a striking portrait of the popular authoress." — Public Opinion. 

"Is a story of woman's love, friendship, and capabilities for sacrifice." 

— Evening Sun. 

Eros. By Laury Daintry. 12mo, cloth, $1.00 ; paper cover, 50 

cents. 

"Both fascinating and remarkable, and sure to be Tea.d.''''— Baltimore 
American. 

" For dainty delineation of character, intricacy and mystery of plot, this 
story takes rank with the first.'' — Patriot (Harrisburg). 

Miss Varian of New York. By Laura Daintry. 12mo, cloth 
$1.00 ; paper cover, 50 cents. 

" The author of ' Miss Varian ' has studied fashionable life to some pur 
pose, and has written a novel which deals with the vices and follies of a cer- 
tain class of rich men, with perfect candor and fidelity. 

The Masque of Death, and other Poems. By Charles Lotin 
HiLDRETH. 12mo, cloth, gilt top, rough edges, $1.00. 

a volume of rare beauty and brilliancy, in which at times the pen seems 
a brush also, so frequently is the thought, which is always pure, elevated, 
and original, steeped in most exquisite color. Mr. Hildreth has already won 
his way to the hearts of all lovers of good poetry, and it may be safely 
predicted that this volume of his collected works will win him enduring 
fame as one of the few great American poets. 

Poems. By Carlotta Perry, 12mo, cloth, $1.00. 

" Mrs. Perry's songs are often songs in undertone, but the music is rich 
and deep and true The writer of this tasteful little volume has proved her 
right to an enviable place in the American world of letters.''''— Inter-Ocean. 

CHICAGO, NEW YORK, and SAN FRANCISCO. 



Belford, Clarke &- Co.'s New Books, 



Kisses of Fate. By E. Heron- Allen. 12mo, cloth, $1.00; paper 
cover, 50 cents. 

"A collection of clever tales, three in number, the merit of which is not 
suggested in the title he has chosen to give them, while in grace and finish 
they reflect to his credit."— ^iftan^/ Union. 

Princess Daphne. By E. Heron-Allen. 

"Somewhat unorthodox, but highly interesting." — Reading Union. 
" Weird stories are in vogue at present, and some are good and far more 
are the reverse. This is one of the best." — Baltimore News. 

" The book is written in an attractive style, and is intensely interesting." 

— Albany Express. 

Among the Tramps. By "Uncle Tim." 12mo; cloth, gilt top, 
$1.00 ; paper cover, 50 cents. 

A volume of rare interest and information, from the pen of a writer thor- 
oughly conversant with that philosophy which bears upon the well-being of 
society and every-day life. 

Confessions of a Society Man. 12mo, cloth, $1.25. 

" The book is interesting throughout because of the rapid and continual 
shifting of incidents which is its chief characteristic." 

— Philadelphia Bulletin. 

" The love-making in it is charming. It is interesting up to the very end." 

— Nashville American. 

A Tramp Actor. By Elliot Barnes. 12mo, cloth, $1.00 ; paper 
cover, 50 cents. 

" There are good things in the book, and it is endowed with an excellent 
moral."— iV^. Y. Su7i. 

Forty Years on the Rail. By C. B. George. Illustrated, 12mo, 

cloth, $1.00 ; paper, 50 cents. 

"The book is destined to have a very extended reading, as its pages are 
not only interesting, but instructive. "-iTeo/cit/i; Democrat. 

The Friend to the Widow. By Maja Spencer. 12mo, cloth, 
$1.00 ; paper cover, 50 cents, 

"This is a love-story pure and simple, but just one of those stories that 
form most delightful reading, free froni heroics and wild sensations." 

— Chicago Inter-Ocean. 

Why Was It? By Lewis Benjamin. Cloth, $1.00 ; paper cover 
50 cents. 

"The chief charm of the book lies in the simple manner of telling the 
story, and in the fact that its basis and its incidents are precisely such as 
may be picked up almost anywhere, at any time." — Nashville American. 

The Wrong Man. By Gertrude Garrison. Paper cover, 25 cents. 

" ' The Wrong Man ' is not in the least sensational— not the kind of a story 
to set people talking about its possible consequences on the minds of un- 
seasoned readers. Nothing feverish, questionable, or coarse in it. Much 
rare qualities does it possess, which give it distinction in these days of 
rankly flavored Rctioii.'' '— Philadelphia Herald. 

A Boston Girl. By Rev. Arthur Swaze. 1 vol. 12mo, cloth, $1.00. 

" Those who rt-ad ' A Boston Girl ' will like it, and those who do not read 
it will, if they only knew it, miss spending an agreeable hour or two." — San 
Francisco Call. 

CHICAGO, NEW YORK, and SAN FRANCISCO. 



Belford, Clarke &- Co.'s New Books. 



Tom Burton. By N. J. W. Le Cato. 12mo, cloth, $1.00; paper cover, 
50 cents. 

"Full of historic interest of dramatic fervor.'"— Boston Traveller. 

" A strong story, and decidedly interesting.''^— Pittsburgh Press. 

" There is a great deal of life and movement throughout the story, and it 
is thoroughly readable."— PFoj-cesfer Sjiy. 

" The story is interesting for its swift movement and its abundance of 
action, especially as the writer is evidently well acquainted with the region 
where most of the story is placed." — Chicago Times. 

"The story deals directly with a period during; the late war, and con- 
tains a spice of adventure which will surely interest both young and old. 
A feature of the book is the clever character drawing, and it teaches a 
lesson to all young Americans.^''— Boston Times. 

Aunt Sally's Boy Jack. By N. J. W. Le Cato. Paper cover, 25 cents. 

" An amusing and interesting story, the scene of which is laid on the At- 
lantic seaboard of one of the Southern States, and the plot turning on a 
secret marriage." — Neto Bedford Mercury. 

The Serpent Tempted Her. By Saqui Smith. 12mo, cloth, 
$1.00 ; paper cover, 50 cents. 

" One of the most intensely interesting stories I have read in many a 
day."— iV^. Y. Truth. 

"The reader will not lay it down until the very last page is read."— C/iai- 
tanooga Times. 

Janus. By Edward Iren^us Stevenson. 12mo, cloth, gilt 
top, $1.00; paper cover, 50 cents. 

"A fascinating romance with an art motive. A brilliant succession of 
dramatic and powerful scenes hurries the reader onward to the end without 
a moment's pause. There is no straining for effect, yet the situations are 
intei7sely dramatic, and the closing scene of the domestic tragedy is thor- 
ouFlily consistent and iinely sustained." — N. Y. Mail. 

An American Vendetta. By T. C. Crawford, of the JVew York 

World. With Characteristic Illustrations by Graves. 12mo, 

cloth, $1.00; paper cover, 50 cents. 

A remarkable story of the truth which is stranger than fiction, being the 
liistory of the Hatfield-McCoy Vendetta, a feud more bloody and inveterate 
than any of those which have given Corsica, the birthplace of the Vendet- 
ta, its evil reputation. 

His Fatal Success. By Malcolm Bell. 12mo, cloth, $1.00; 
paper cover, 50 cents. 

a novel, founded upon the occult, but in an entirely original manner. 
The possibilities suggested by this story are startling, almost terrifying, 
and might well serve as a warning to the many who in these days are 
blindly groping into the spectre-haunted gloom of Spiritualism and Theoso- 

Hagar. A Novel. By James A. McKnight, of the Editorial 

Stalf of the Mw York Tribune. 12mo, cloth, $1.00; paper 

cover, 50 cents. 

This is a work of the most telling interest from the first page to the 
last. It deals with some most exceptional scenes and episodes in connec- 
tion with the late War, and in relation to Mormonism. 

CHICAGO, NEW YOKK, and SAN FRANCISCO. 



Belford, Clarke &- Co/s New Books. 



Mapleson Memoirs, 1848-1888. With Portrait of the Author. 3 

vols., 8vo, cloth, $4.00. 

" To the professional singer they must be of absorbing interest, for in 
them may be found sketches of the careers, of leading events, culled from 
the lives of almost all the best -known singers of the present or last gener- 
ation." — St. Louis Republican. 

" Replete with humorous stories, incidents, and anecdotes."— TTorcesfer 
Spy. 

" We have in these volumes a great part of the public life of Patti, Ger- 
ster, and a host of other renovi^ned artists. In places the account becomes 
dramatic in interest. The story of the season during which the two artists 
named were new in San Francisco is positively exciting.'"— Ftiblic Opinion. 

*' Col. Mapleson's masterly achievements as an impresario, together 
with his idiosyncrasies as a man, have made him a conspicuous figure in 
the musical world. Most people will be ready to admit, from what they 
know of him, that any memoirs of his must be interesting, but very few 
will be able to come anywhere near the mark in the estimate.'"— Cleveland 
Leader. 

Under the Maples. By Walter N. Hinman. 12mo, cloth, $1.00 ; 
paper cover, 50 cents. 

" An American pastoral, redolent of the woodlands, and glistening with 
the shimmer of brooks."— iV^. Y. Truth. 

"It is a relief to come across a book which makes no pretence of reform- 
ing the world, which has no ' mission,' and in which the author is content 
to picture for us the simplest scenes of daily life."— iV. Y. Journalist. 

Star Dust. By Fannie Isabel Sherrick. 12mo, cloth, $1.00. 

"They are forcible; their imagery is at once delicate and beautiful."— 
Chicago Herald. 

" All through the book we find descriptive bits which show that the author 
possesses that love and appreciation of nature which characterizes the true 
poet." — Burlington Post. 

Song of the Haunted Heart, and Other Poems. By Minna Irving. 
Cloth, $1.00. With portrait of author. 

" The ' Song of a Haunted Heart,' from which the handsome little volume 
takes its name, is a poem of great pathos and beauty. The volume is made 
up in great variety of miscellaneous poems, most of them sung in sad re- 
frain, yet always elegant and musical."— C/izcasro Later-Ocean. 

The Land of the Nihilists : Russia. By W. E. Curtis. 12mo, 
cloth, $1.00. With over 100 Illustrations. 

" Is one of the most excellent books of the day on the people, palaces, and 
politics of Russia."— Sosf on Traveller. 

" The book is crammed with information of the digested sort, and put into 
lively, readable form.''''- Evening Sun. 

" This work, by a practical journalist, is a narrative of travel in the Czar's 
dominions. It is therefore a series of vivid pen-and-ink sketches by a prac- 
tical trained observer, and his sketches are vivid and very readable."— 
Baltimore Argus. 

Off Thoughts About Woman and Other Things. By S. R. Reed. 

13mo, cloth, $1.00 ; paper cover, 50 cents. 

" Mr. Reed has the faculty of making keen hits, and that he does it mock- 
ingly does not much matter in the resulting impressions on the mind." — 
Youngstown Telegram. 

CHICAGO, NE'W YOKE, and SAN FBANCISCO. 



$1^.50 FOR S^.SO. 

A CLEAN SAVING OF $8.00. 

Tie Most RemartaDle Literary Offer Ever Made. 

100,000 new subscribers are wanted for Belford's Magazine 
and to get them we make the following great offer: 

FOR $4.50 

We will send to each new subscriber a set of 

CEORGE ELIOT'S COMPLETE WORKS 

In six large, lamo volumes, containing 4,600 pages, ele- 
gantly bound in the best English cloth; large, clear type, 
good paper, gold and ink embossing; each set in a neat 
box. Published at $10.00, and 

BEIiFOHD'S ]VIflGflZI|lE 

For one year, postpaid, containing over 1,800 pages of read- 
ing matter. Published at $2.50. 

The magazine is under the editorial management of 
the keenest and most slashing writer of the day, 

Ool. IDOnSTKr X^I^^TT, 
And, besides a complete original novel from the pen of some foremost American novelist 
(alone worth more than the price of the magazine), contains vigorous discussions on the im- 
portant political, economic, social and literary questions of the day, written in a fearless, able 
and independent manner by the best authorities, and articles, sketches, poems and stories by 
gifted and popular writers. 

The highest place in the realm of fiction has been accorded by universal consent to 
George Eliot. No writer, living or dead, has covered the ground she has swept with the wing 
of her commanding genius. 

The set includes Adam Bede, Romola, Felix Holt, Middlemarch, Daniel Deronda, 
Silas Marner, The Mill on the Floss, Scenes from Clerical Life, Theophrastus Such, 

AND JUBAL and other POEMS. 

Over 2,000 newspapers speak in the highest possible terms of Belford's Magazine, and 
commend it to all who want a fair, able and fearless exponent of sound principles, combined 
with the literature of a first-class magazine. 

Subscriptions can begin with any number, as each number is complete in itself, and may 
be sent to any of Ate,7!HwpBS)!Br-m,rTir»y7^^ 

''lil"l'flliilLllllllllLlllliimi.i..nn:mil»M ,„i,„ I|j 




Actual Size, 9^ x ^M. 



our offices. 

Remit by Post- 
office or Express 
order, or Bank 
Check. 



eELFORD, 
CLARKE & CO, 



Publishers. 

CHICAGO: 
109 & 111 Wabash ATe. 

NEW YORK: 
82 East 18th Street. 

SAN FRANCISCO: 
884 Market Street. 




Actual Size, 8 x 1% x 0^' 



67?^ 



vU C 



,0 



v^^ ^- 



\^^... 









-^^^ * 



'^V- 



♦■^' r 



^ .«^' 



.•^ <i 



,^ 



G> 






'\^ 



.A 



-v. ^ 












.:^^ 



^V 



^<> ''t 









s - ' *■ / 






\- 









.'X 



^'^^ 



V-- 



.0 -3 












-.. .^• 



;"(^^;^^ 






cf- 



•^ 



-^ 



^^ . '^ ^ '- 



-^^ 



r-.S~<N\ 



1^ 



x^ 









'^ 



i 1 • 



'O 






'\ ^^ 






V ^ ^ '^. 



^ u v> ^ -^ 



:>' *>^ 



u^- 


















a o. 






CO 



A' 



^■^^ 









\^^ O ' ' ^ 



1 A - A^' 



A^ 









/\ 



.-^ 



V\^ ^ O N r; ^, ^ 



■^ '^/ 



^^. ^'^^ 



■,\^ 



% 






0- 












\' ... 



•-^^ 









:^*'^Va-/S3»., 



o. 



' .> . ^ ^ <^ 

,0^ , 






^'^i^:^^^•^ 






v^> 



3<< 









OO 









,*^ 


^*. 


.0' 


\ - f) 


:% 












>''>. 





yVJ O 









•^/' ' ^:^-^ -^ 



-/ 



,-0^ 



'< . •i?'. 



c>^ ^v,.,,^,^ -^ 



V' 



• L'* 



M> '^C*' ^ ^ 



-JO 






V 



^^ '^>. 



\N^^ 









.0- 



,-b- 



.'N'* 









0' ^^^ 












\,N<' 



t/> 



..^^ 



r> 








>* 


\ 


'^^ '. 


-i. 




s . \~ 






"V 


I> 





.* ^o' 












0°\^\ 










\., 








.%. ' 


I/O >> ' 






■/>, 









■^*A V*' 



vOo. 






'^n/> ^^ 



^^^ 



.^^ -Cf^ 



'» >? •<-, 






o. 






X^^x. 



